empty

so i’m going to have to just go through this.  I have to grieve.  I guess I’m embracing it.  Yesterday was a long and empty day.  I got up.  i drank coffee. In an effort to change mood, I went outside to drink coffee.  I see the awesome plants, I stare at the empty and weedy garden.  weeds and weeds. leaves…. I sit on my chair and stare.  I get up to piddle and I look back and just felt the empty.  He is gone.  There is a hole I feel right now.  It’s because we slowed down, school is out, vacation is over. real life of working on our new life is slow and tedious.  I feel it much more.

empty.  I miss him so much.  I am so mad at myself.  I say sorry to him all day.  I tell him i miss him.  I pray that I could just hear his voice say something back.  oh God, this is awful.  The kids walk up a lot on me crying and give me a curious stare.  I just say- I miss dad and it’s grief.  I label it and say it’s ok and keep crying. I see worry on their face?  I don’t force conversation about it.  

At night Anna has like a recap of our day and how it may or may not relate to Dad.  We finished the girls room.  IT looks great.  We have a few more detail things to do but overall- it’s like a new room.  We are on the hunt for affordable and matching comforters.  We will cute it all out.  So Anna says, “Daddy would have made these lofts.- anna

 no Anna, I don’t think Dad could have done this.  -me

“oh yes he would have -anna

I see the look in her eye of adoration and love for her dad, she adored him and her way is talking about what he would have done for them.  Yes, he would have made these and he would have liked it?  He would have loved them having the lofts and he would have talked and taught them as he went a long.  

At midnight I was still awake and went to stare at the kids hoping I would calm down.  I found Will awake still, so I made him go to bed.  He saw me crying and hugged me.  I crawled in his bed with him and just put my arms around him.  I miss having John beside me.  Although I have had Anna so much beside me, I just miss a person when you cry.  but that’s not good for Will.  So I ruffled his hair, told him I loved him so much and said goodnight.  I crawled in bed and fell asleep finally.

I woke up and just appreciated, I made it through another day and wondered what would today be like.  

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