As part of recovery in AA, you hear about members/alcoholics meeting with “sponsors” and doing something called Step work. This is doing a lot of self work/evaluation by using the twelve steps of AA and “working” through them and applying them to how you view life, how you operate in life, especially now in Sobriety.
As I enter into Month of sobriety, I am still stuck on step 2. I had recently come to terms with this because I was puzzled and not quite sure of how I felt about it.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Jesus. … literally.
I think when I first read this and began to think about the steps, this step long with step one was kinda, like, ok. yeah.
Well though as I thought more about it, I had some feelings about God. First of all, I get all messy when I think about God being male and I have big feelings about having to do what a male/masculine voice says for me to do.
I have to pick this apart.
- God is not a male. He or She, She is a God, they do not have a sex or gender. It’s bigger than that.
- just accepting that first thing I just wrote I should be Able to keep going. but
During this step work along the way, I became distracted in my life in my pursuit of love, of companionship. I met someone who distracted me quite a bit and I put them first all while denying it. It was only after a month in what is now the pandemic and being isolated AND staying still long enough to read or listen to things that are about life.
Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle, Specialists of Trauma, Doctors, and Ministers, I suddenly was able to pry open myself to being open.
I”ve been working so damn hard to not feel so much because frankly I was sick of it.
I no longer had my best friend … red wine to numb me. So catching a dopamine buzz off of “being liked” was pretty cool. I found that a quick fix to having my heart squished by someone was to go out and quickly dig up a new one. That is, not doing self work and evaluation. also
Choosing not not focus on that second step of “realizing that God can restore me to sanity.
Finally I found some writings that began to make this clearer to me.
First hearing Glennon Doyle being so freaking vulnerable and sharing her work in her latest book.
Brene Brown on always bringing in wisdom and highlighting the deep work of being vulnerable. I should be given a honorary doctorate in this because I don’t know how to be anything but when I am being myself and I realized that I had NOT been myself lately because I was trying to be whatever it might be that might possibly attract someone to love me. Therefore squishing my thoughts and impulses and words.
Sue Monk Kid sharing her spiritual journey and reminding me that it’s ok to question.
Jen Lancaster in that sometimes doing the right thing is hard.
My AA small group of sharing the phrase, doing the next right thing.
My therapist of making me call my damn doctor
my sponsor that was like…. um yeah, call your doctor
and finally hearing and being open to listening to a random devotion by my minister. She focused on what it’s like to being in the now. being with the uncomfortable. Being in the messy and noticing what it’s like and noticing when you move through it and what were the things that you noticed and found joy in. Whoa.
and finally she said, oh yeah, God wants you to do this and by the way, God will be there while you are in it and knows how to guide you around with this. Lean in.
Step two- letting God restore me to sanity.
well ok. ok.
If God is my guide, then I have it all, I can do anything anywhere and when I choose to pull God into my being with this, I will know …
what is the next right thing
I can do anything
I am enough
because I’ve got God. The ultimate tour guide, sherpa, guru, mentor, sponsor, advisor, and companion.
Step two- ok. I’m going to finally be with this step and I’m going to dig around a bit and look at life a bit with these God glasses on and see what else is out there that I walked by when I was looking all around instead of looking what was right in front of me.