So i’m in the bathroom, they tried to interrupt this solitaire time once. I yelled at them.
I came out and there was a big fight.
Anna- MOM, TELL WILL THAT DAD DIED OF DIABETIES.
Will- no he had a cardiac arrest.
me- What the fuck are you all saying, why are you all saying this/ why? why?
Me- he died of acidkecidosis.
Then I explained this to them. the process but not the bad parts.
why are my kids fighting over this. this is what puts me over the edge.
well we made it past the one year mark.
wow and man did it rip off the scab of healing. that chunky scab that I had picked at and then it would real heal then I’d pick at it, I did all the therapies I could, I had the house cleaned and then it hit. I think as it should.
It hit. I let it hit. and I got raw. crying. the kids saw this. So I got up the next day and called the beach house of healing and reserved it. threw clothes in the suitcase and we hit the road. by thursday night I was hearing waves crash.
Fri morning was beautiful. it was warm and healing. sun on my head. I was ok. then I headed into the afternoon. I was fine I guess until about 4? I drank too much. Never saw it coming.
so I slept after some behavior in front of the kids I”m not proud of. (not that bad) but not proud mom moment.
but i’m going to chalk it up to my husband died. I also apologized and plan on having a talk with the kids about drinking.
with that said. I slept from 5-8 during which John had died. I slept through the part I have replayed over and over in my head and would have made me more of a mess.
the weird thing is that usually it takes more to get me to the point I was, but I think John helped me go to sleep and just not have to work through that. like a message to let it go. I saw it, it was bad, but I cannot torture myself with it over and over. I can’t do this. I cannot live like this. but I have done the year thing now.
As my mom and uncle said to me the two best things.
Mom- you just lived the worse year of your life. (we later said we hoped it was)
Uncle Marshal- no more firsts.
Those two things were really good to hear.
I can’t even begin to write the one thing that made me think of doing this. I better think of other things. ok I will.
1. food. glorious wonderful food. When John died, the food that came to us. (I also can do an imitation of my mother talking about funeral food in asheville and hummus.) The food. oh Faccia bread with pesto and cheese and some kinda cumulus. potato’s. oh potato’s. lasagna. desserts. OH AND WHEN SOMEONE DIES IN MARTINSVILLE and they know a certain lady, she makes the best damn chicken casserole you have ever had and it makes you want to fight your aunt for the last bite. i’m serious.
2. friends. you can’t even begin to party plan, i mean funeral plan because so many friends are coming by. friends you have not seen in a while and they drop everything and they show up. like touch my heart and make it pitter patter.
3. random lovely thoughtful gifts, like a home made fortune cookie with peanut butter icing and a fortune for good that was personalized for just our little family. paintings, swwwwwweeeeeeet jewelry, food that took a long time to make and they gave it to us.
4. Nothing can honestly touch the pain you feel in that all of a sudden you realize that nothing else matters anymore. nothing. the best earphones do not make it better, expensive clothes don’t fix it. nothing fixes it. so it makes you really strong and you see things really clearly. you don’t really have to put up with jack shit. that’s kinda cool. I don’t have time for bullshit and I can say that and people kinda have to understand. Like when people complain that it’s hard to get going in the morning. HAAAAAAAAA! fuck you all, I fucking rule that one. I fucking get up, i shower, sometimes makeup. I cry, sometimes I dance, I sign kid stuff I look them over and make sure they are dressed- i drop three kids off in the morning, we talk, we laugh, fuss, sing. I fucking rock it out in the morning and I got to work on time or drive another hour to go to work at my new job. I fucking rock it out. step off bitches cause I can spin circles around you.
5. people call you randomly to tell you they love you. that’s really really nice and I really like it. so i decided that I would do it to people alive. I try to call the people if I don’t hear from them so I can say, i love you and I miss you.
6. Someone dying makes you do the things you should have done, like go see people you needed to go see OR THEY drive to you. I’ve really enjoyed me going to go see people and I have really enjoyed making it a mission to have lunch or see people out. all because John died.
7. You get to change your life. well it’s not really an option…. for some. I mean you already had to change when someone dies. but then, the deep grief hits and well, it paralyzes you. you are different and it’s ok, because you have to be, it happened. I took my new reins and I fucking changed it up. I QUIT MY JOB. I said hell, i’m going to go this master’s degree and maybe more. I’m going to be around with my children more because it’s all I care about and I can because someone died and it’s awful but I’m going to change my life and it’s going to be good. and it is.
8. If you want to lay in the bed with rolo’s a wine box, books, remotes, 9 pillows, new bed linens. you can. yes you can. you can do this all day if you want to. You DO NOT HAVE TO SHOWER IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO. BECAUSE if people want you to come over and you decide you can’t, you can just stay home in your pi’s and not shower and eat rolo’s. there are some issues after this, like you fall asleep with the roll’s and you wake up sticky but you make yourself giggle with thought of sex and someone being able to lick you and you would taste like a rolo. that did not happen so I”m just going to think about it and that is good.
9. I’m going to go there. wine. wine is my girlfriend. I know I can’t be with her as much as I have this year, but damn she was good. She made me feel better. sometimes she changes it up. I get her classy, high dollar sometimes and sometimes, I get her in her comfy’s, a box. I take her anyway I can. sometimes I like a little but this year I have liked a lot. sometimes she makes me feel bad later but I forgive her. I think I have her balanced in my life better now but God I love that wine.
you can buy music and it helps. and then because you changed your life, you have to do research for classes and you make it whatever you want it to be, and then you go out and your find out information about it. So you go have lunch with people and have conversations bout stuff and you learn about how for children they can access their emotions better through movement or arts. and after you have been so fucking brave and positive you can listen to music and it cracks you wide open and you cry and cry and you get present with it and let it rain in on you. you say, hello tears, hello hurt in my throat. I know you. it’s ok, you can be with me. Be with me hurt, it’s ok, I’m going to be right here with you too. I will fucking love you too hurt. I will love you. you represent my old awesome life and my kids and my family and love. you were are first kiss and our lovemaking. you ARE FIGHTS, YOU ARE annoying as hell. hurt i love you. You are the best thing about someone dying because I can be ok with you. I am not afraid of you. I will jam out some music and cry and scream and huddle. I know you hurt are going to subside and happy will come again. I love you hurt, it’s ok if you don’t come as often now, or stay quite as long. I love you.
it hit. with my song
one week until one year. that’s fun to write.
I don’t know what is happening to me.
like i’m ok.
i’m really ADD ind I’ve been playing a lot. I am also kinda cooking again today, so stand down. 🙂
yesterday I actually dressed decently and put on make up and my hair looked good. I felt good about the whole thing. I ate salad and had a good day. I also drank only ONE GLASS OF WINE. I was fine. I was kinda awake falling asleep but i was ok. I did have bad dreams but it’s only because my stupid ass ex boyfriend sent me a Facebook message and he had not even written me when John died to say sorry. He sent me a message and said, he hoped everything was great in my life. Then he asked me what some random woman and a 22 year old daughter should do in asheville. REALLY?
I would like to say that I do not like this ex boyfriend,I care but not like. I do have some resentful feelings though for people who totally said nothing to me. but anyway i digress.
So I had this dream that John and I broke up and then he moved next door to me, and he was drunk and causing issues and I had to scream and he mom came to help him and then I found out jOhn cheated on me and i thought oh no, i’m really getting a divorce. and i cried in my dream and john’s mom felt sorry for me.
i was glad when I woke up, that I was not divorced. and then I kinda was like whoops, wait, I’m a widow.
The college kids are fun to mess with now about me being a widow. they think i’m funny but it’s always interesting to watch when it’ comes out. yeah…. actually I don’t really smoke pot anymore because well. I have 3 kids and well, my husband died last year so I kinda have to not break as many laws.
i’ve fumbled the ball lately on introducing myself. I blurt it out like I’m going to burp. i say really fast (i recommend you saying it fast as you read this to get how akward it is for everyone involved when i do this.) hey my husband died last year and i’m a widow and i have 3 kids.
yeah i’ve gotta work on my pitch.
i don’t know why it bothers me. I guess I don’t want people to think I just am having 3 kids and chilling while my husband is not there OR that my children’s father does not have them this week and I get some time to myself. OR most of all. if they meet Anna at all in anytime near now, it’s going to be said. Cause Anna will say it. my dad died. just like that.
how are we, we are good. like oh yeah, I MEAN WE ARE HAVING A PARTY.
how the fuck am i supposed to answer this without being fake OR being so real that it get’s akward.
apparently I was talking about grief too much on Facebook so I’m all fake happy now but the thing is, is that I am a bit happier. actually a lot happier.
now I”m expecting some breakdowns soon. I’ll pull through. I can do this. I’ve got this.
I’m thinking my next posting might be about the best things about death.
so when your husband dies and you are young, people kindly say at odd times…. “you will move on” or you probably will re marry, or he would want you to find someone, or so on…
one of my first thoughts was…. am I ever going to have sex again?
I know, right?
I did. i’m sorry but I did.
If you know me, then you really are not surprised.
I discussed with a few people who could handle this, we all decided I would probably figure out something.
now I think, I just want to snuggle with someone.
or have them go get some coffee.
a hug when you get home. a hold and hug. yeah I hold and hug. I love hold and hugs. fuck now i’m crying.
i’ll be honest. some people lose appetites. I did at first the only thing I could consume was potato’s, wine and pesto faccio bread and I like to pronouce it fuckia bread. I can’t spell it either.
so now I eat everything. I quit cooking – when I did it wasted. Like today I made a big ass POT OF SOUP. oh man, why did I do that. It’s looks so good. I can’t wait to have some. I’m going to have some for lunch and for dinner and I guess have it everyday. I hope Kaegan eats some.
anyway. what if I dated.
well I’m going to need to drop some of my 5×5 look. i’m like a roly poly now. I can weeble wable. so i’m trying to get back on that train. I even bought fat free half and half for my soup. 🙂
i called people to help me. let’s see if I do it.
I’m going to do some more stuff and move again. I might find Ashley again who liked to go go go. I might dance in my living room. I might walk and dance to music alone. I might now not hurt to walk anymore. I’m taking care of me now. I am going to the dr for everything and I’m taking meds. I’m working on rebuilding me. I got worn down.
i have dating thoughts.
like real dating thoughts. like I wonder what it would be like? how would I do this? what do you do when you date when you are 40? Can I talk about my kids? Will I act like John never happened? Will I go on a date and I get grossed out?
I don’t know. I just know I”m kinda missing hugs and snuggles and the male chest and stuff.
I’ve been thinking about the coming time a bunch. I have thrown plans around like I was throwing a frisbee. i’m going to go to the beach, alone no . with friends. no. camp- yes. wait no. rent a place. yes then wait no. ok stay home. NO! people come here? no.
I go there? no
light candles and sing songs… no.
go to gatlinburg? yes, wait no.. wait … I don’t know.
Go on a cruise? ???? yes.- wait no.
how much to fly to florida? oh.
go the nation’s capital? no
I just don’t know what to do. What would John say we should do? Fish?
Yeah he would say fish probably. Maybe we will. I don’t know. Yeah, he would like camping and fishing. that’s what he would do.
well, he did like all the things I thought of. not lighting candles and singing songs.
All the kids know is that they don’t have to go to school. I already told the teachers.
I”m so lucky. I have like three invites for me to be with others. 2 friends separately and my brother.
my mom and dad have not mentioned it. nor family.
not john’s mom.
I think sometimes, like, does my family know? I asked the kids if they knew. All but Anna did, and when she figured the date out she then kinda got obsessed with it. I don’t know who she is like? 🙂
well a year ago we just got back from our last family outing. splurge to Atlanta and aquarium. I said yes to the CNN tour and I”m so glad I did. I said yes to american girl doll getting her hair did. I said yes to a super lego structure. I said yes to shopping. John got me a double bourbon and coke. oh he knew what would calm me down and the way to my bourbon heart. Now I can’t buy bourbon that much because it’s dangerous for me. yummy.
I have a year of photo’s on my unbelievable camera that I have not developed. I’m getting ready to. I year of hell. a year of making memories to help us heal our hearts. I’m trying to be more positive.
I’m healing. I can tell. but it’s gonna hurt like hell.