Today, 5 years ago, John died. 5 years ago, I was telling my children that their dad died. After I watched him die and said to the team after they said, I don’t think he is going to come back. I finally said ok. So they stopped and I came over to his side and he stopped. I only remember parts of it. I was stunned. I was using my manners and I was so afraid. I wished I had stayed longer but this intense feeling of needing to go to my children took over. My brother drove me home. At home my friend was with my children and we walked in and I said to her , just leave. She said what happened. I pulled her into my room and said, he died. I have to tell my children, just get your daughter and I need to tell my kids.
So Sean my brother and I sat down and I told my kids. it was awful. it was in some ways worse than John dying. Kaegan screamed a scream that I will never forget and Anna begged to go to the hospital. Will just folded. It was horrific and I don’t even want to type the details because I want to just put them to rest.
and then other people arrived and then they left and I cried and then I got on facebook and somehow that night I went to sleep. but it was not good.
so the next day started, some bread arrived. people started calling and so it began.
3 weeks later, I went back to work.
7 months later I quit my job and started over. I don’t really remember much of those 7 months but getting by,
We traveled, I went back to school, I tried a job, I started my own business, the kids did ok.
This year, I started to love myself, I got a new job, a boyfriend, I had surgery, life got happy… but man did it take awhile. I have cried so much, for forgiveness from John, from loneliness and then begging God to please let me find someone to love again, I guess the worst part has been the loneliness.
I had to stop there and pause. I was overcome with being so thankful for not being so lonely anymore. I picked up the phone and called Dennis to tell him, how glad I am that he is in my life. I wondered earlier in the week if I would be able to feel ok talking to Dennis on John’s day, but I was fine. He lets me share as much as I want and he said, he wanted to give me space on this day and he mentioned that five years is quite the milestone for all of us. I cried some more that he said this to me. He is as gentle as they come, as sweet as I dreamed of and I can’t believe that I get to have a chance to love again.
My kids did well today, no one was really sad or shared that they were. Anna who is more verbal, did say as she kissed me good night that we got through another one. Kaegan was stressed with her senior project, Will was mad I did not take him to a soccer game. Life goes on.
Earlier in the day, I overheard Kaegan talking to someone and I figured it was John’s mom. Kaegan had called her. She never usually calls, and if she does it is usually Kaegan. I think that she probably talks to the others maybe 4 times a year on the phone and maybe and if she also see’s them. They usually see her in the summer but this summer she said she would come down here and see them. It never happened. First it was her house was going to be painted and now she is says she is paying her credit card off. I listened to Kaegan tell me this and she even rolled her eyes. I thought, how in the world do you put off loved ones, especially grandchildren for a credit card. What possesses her to even say this out loud to Kaegan? I have used this blog to vent, when I was angry and so much as been towards her and her treatment of me, and now the kids. Part of me always knows that this is how she is, and in some ways it means less visits which can possibly less hurting feelings of avoiding her and the things she says. The kids now just only want to visit for a couple of days and especially not on a Sunday.
I am grateful to God to have a full and loving heart and I pray that I will never ever be like her. I will though pray for her and her waking up to her mistakes.
So that’s five years. Grief, trauma, loneliness , anger. So much as eased off and mostly love and joy surround me. I don’t think I look like a widow. I’m fine with being a widow, I am proud of it and my journey. I will always miss John but somehow I know he is always present in some way in my life.