The best damn therapist

I have found myself the best damn therapist. I had a great one for grief but this time she was busy and I’m glad because I decided to dig deeper and find someone who knows how to deal with trauma and addiction. and boy did I find a goodie. Last week she kicked my ass figuratively in getting me in a head space to take care of myself.

Since October I had been nipping, slipping, sneaking myself wine, vodka, bourbon wherever I felt like I had a sneaky moment . then it lead to having leftover the next day so I would of course drink that. Sometimes it was just enough to make me sleepy but sometimes it was enough to remind me that I’m not supposed to drink anymore because now my brain goes to black out. I don’t know why quite yet, but I think it’s because of my surgery but also because of the years of abuse and my brain just now thinks that’s what it’s supposed to do. most of me goes to sleep and the rest of me does God knows what. I lost my ear pods the other week and thought I had laid them somewhere else. no….. I found them. they were in the bed because when I was drinking, I got on a phone call and had a conversation that I put on my ear pods and then I passed out and so my ear pods were in the bed all along.

So once again, mornings are more clear and no guilt. but late afternoons and evenings are still stumble some. Walking the other evening helped. and I need more of that. and writing too. so here I am with my coffee and music and candles and writing it all out. processing my shit.

My oldest is home, and we all went out last night. I was happy, we went to mile and we all tried each others food. It was delicious. Then we went into a book store and they were a big fidgety. but we were all together. laughing, teasing, arguing. it was nice. Today I will make myself be productive and clean so we can get ready to decorate for Christmas. I need to get geared up for my party with the staff and create new traditions. Cookies. 🙂

staying sober

apparently sobriety is like an everyday thing which means it’s really an every hour thing, and minute by minute thing. I learned in therapy that a craving lasts 7 min.

apparently my cravings show up unannounced and if they had come perhaps one minute before, I would have walked right past but then sometimes cravings show up like a stealth move, just like I dream a man would. It’s just there and I decide so fast if it’s a go or not a go. Last night I said, ok again. I did it when the kids were not around and it was knowing that I would feel guilty. I knew it would not land me in a drunk moment but the buzz was what I wanted. and it did give me that.

I sat there with the buzz and numbed and just admired it. but I knew there was nothing else to drink to take it down the road that would hurt me. Because what happens is that I can’t control it. especially since surgery. When the amount hits my brain now, I don’t know when it will and then my brain shuts off.

I did it the other day and I must have gotten my ear buds out to talk and I lost them. I found them 2 days later in my bed. what? I don’t remember that. I find the missing sneak wine box in the bathroom trash can and I don’t remember doing that because that is not where sneaky me puts it. but when I black out, I just do stuff.

today I start over again and there is nothing here for me to drink. wait yes there is. kaluha. I need to take that somewhere else and not being in my house.

also I need to start writing. So here we go.