Grief again

When I started this blog, it was to release emotions.  I started writing pretty soon, because even in the beginning,  Finding the words, or just being able to say it out loud and typing it also helped me.   As time went on, I typed.  Less people showed up to listen, now three years later when grief shows up, life has continued on for everyone who does not feel the numbing effects.

2 nights ago, my son at 9pm handed me his report card. I realized I had not seen it as it was tossed to me.  Then he casually says, it’s not good.  I opened up his report card that will also be going to the STEM school to show his grades as they review applicants for the lottery of getting in there.  They will see a D in language arts, and a low C in social studies.   I am not worried that I am not getting him help.  He does not need help in this way.  I don’t know why he has low grades.  well I do, he has not motivation.

We just got back from a trip to the outer banks where I could take them to see history and they loved it.  They loved seeing so many things and Will continually commented about how awesome the trip was.  On the trip though, I discovered that he did not bring a tooth brush.  He barely changed his clothes and he never showered on the trip.  So I got upset with him.  I noticed this week, he was picking up speed in the hygiene area.  but then I got the report card.

I have also back slid as a momma.

I have been floating too.  His behavior is not that far different from mine.

I have not filled my prescriptions.  I have not been taking my medicine.  I have not been eating healthy.  I have not been walking.  I have not completed some things I need to.  I am avoiding what I’m afraid of.  my credit.

I numb myself at night with wine so I can fall asleep.   I have a nice pattern of it.

His report card cracked me open because I”m his person.  I’m his life vest/life ring.

because no one checks in on him.  He does have a big brother that does.  but what really cracks me open is that my family does not check in.

so then I sit with that and feel what that feels like.  No one cares.

It’s 3 years later, and the most sensitive time in development for a young man, is early adolescence and I see him struggle.

He is an introvert and I totally respect that.  I allow him to not do sports, I get it.  He gets uncomfortable.  He does not like competition, because he knows he is not as good and it feels sucky to feel sucky so he avoids it.  He does what feels right and what he has been able to be good at, He tinkers with things, he fixes electronics, he does ride his bike and tinkers with his bike.  He likes tinkering.

I don’t know why though he is not doing his work.  I emailed 2 teachers and a guidance counselor.   I heard from no one.  I do know that the one male teacher pulled him aside and it sounds like gave him a stern “turn yourself around talk”.   I gotta say, I was disappointed.

I as a Mom reached out to his teachers to ask, what can I do?  Help me.  = silence.

No one calls Will to say, I love you.   =silence

it fucking blows.

I fluctuate with crying right now, and being mad.

I called in my meds yesterday.  I’m going to go get them and take them.

I’m going to go pray near John’s spot and our spot in Montreat.

I”m going to go through his book bag.

I took away the phone.  I took away internet except for an hour a day for homework.

I am allowing TV.

I made a list of chores to complete

oh how I wish John was here to tell me to calm down.  I wish he was here so Will if he does this anyway, John would make it better.  I wish Will had his Dad back.

Prom is tonight and it will be just me watching her.