The 14th.

I don’t know really what is happening in my grief process.  I was kinda settled in a  routine of nothing because of no job and then a job happened and I have had some stress.  The stress is others not sure of my role and ideas that I have shared.  Honestly it hurts my feelings because it’s about something I’m so passionate about and yet, when I step back and think, I know that change is hard, especially when it’s a direction that you are not sure of who and why is leading this way.  Wow it makes me even feel better to type that out and help myself reframe my thoughts.

So anyway.

I’m really tired and I’m not waking at 4am as much.  Which is nice but lately I’ve  been having some really emotional dreams.  about John.

I think it’s just stress and not having my someone.  Even if he and I go on each others nerves, he was my person to help me steady out when I got home.  Now it’s these 3 beautiful children that need need and need.  I get a lot from that but security and love in a different way is what I long for.

So my dreams are seeing him and crying for him.  I woke up 2 nights ago, sobbing.  I woke up enough to know I was just crying for him.  I remember feeling relief in that I just could cry.  I have not been crying lately, but maybe it’s because of time.

Last night was more vivid.  I saw him, I was sitting in a bed and he walked in and I gasped.  I said, I thought/wondered if you really had died.  He said no, but he could not tell me why yet.  He started to walk towards the door outside and I grabbed him and said, don’t go.  He said I”ll be back on the 14th.

I remember thinking, remember that, remember that.  what does the 14th mean.   So I woke this morning and I looked at the date.  It’s the 13th.  Tomorrow is the 14th.

I really want to wake up and there be a sign.  A big change, a big relief.  Love or just some goodness. I just want something nice to happen to me, that I don’t have to go get or provide to myself.  That comes from somewhere besides my children and my mom.

I know that God gave me guts and a heart of gold.  I’ve really messed myself up sometimes by choosing things that were not good for me.  but this grief and loss has really changed me.  I’m not the old me.

I thought I had settled into this loneliness that seems to be my life, that I was finding ways to be ok and not sad.  Another dear friend moved away.  jobs that I thought would come, did not but one with flexibility did come.  I’m reading new things to keep my imagination and joy of reggio emilia going.

I just miss love.  I miss being held at the end of the day or especially fridays.  Friday’s with a beer or glass of new wine.  Just chilling on the couch.

I miss someone else going to the grocery store, or picking up a kid or taking a kid.  or cooking or cleaning or just something.

I’m already exhausted from the change/stress of the anxiety of others.

 

I wonder what tomorrow will bring, the 14th.