We had our 3rd Christmas without you this year, In Year two. We actually had good memories of our first year at Folly without you, when we were in shock. but head in sand was full on.
Year 3 brought changes in that my parents have bought a home here to be closer and yet, in this year of new home, they have had a full yuck year of bad health for my father and man that is quite a hardship.
I have had graduation from grad school and travel and yet… no job. A move to bigger home and feels safer for us, or maybe leaving memories that were mixed with bad.
So here we were, in our new house, new bed, new stuff, new yard, new family abode. New traditions. in just 3 Christmases.
no family called to check on us. Just us. Good friends now help take care of my babes and help them carry on traditions. Smuggling liquor in Church during the Christmas Eve service to my underage teenager to give to me later. I mean …wow… that’s some love. I am blessed.
So I cried. I cried that he did not get to see them serve in Church at the Christmas Eve service that we had once dreamed of taking them to. He would have loved it. I cried for his fatherhood that he so loved. I mean, if anything about him, I knew, he loved his children and he loved being a father. I mourn for that so much. I mourn that they have lost that amazing love.
I’m doing my best to help keep up the love and gifts and guidance. Sometimes I rock it, and sometimes I flop. I do think it’s ok to have both but I can’t help but to aspire to be the best or more.
So here we are, tomorrow we will rake my parents new lawn, help to hang pics, play with sweet cousins, look at antiques and just be. family is now small.
I am honestly okay. I wish for a job to stretch my mind and give me my fill of children some more. I do wish for love and company but I do tell myself that , I at least experienced good love. I wish for a best friend to be close by and love my children and this could be happening. I have so much and I miss so much too.