3rd Christmas- year 2.

We had our 3rd Christmas without you this year, In Year two.  We actually had good memories of our first year at Folly without you, when we were in shock.  but head in sand was full on.

Year 3 brought changes in that my parents have bought  a home here to be closer and yet, in this year of new home, they have had a full yuck year of bad health for my father and man that is quite a hardship.

I have had graduation from grad school and travel and yet… no job.   A move to bigger home and feels safer for us, or maybe leaving memories that were mixed with bad.

So here we were, in our new house, new bed, new stuff, new yard, new family abode.  New traditions.  in just 3 Christmases.

no family called to check on us.  Just us.  Good friends now help take care of my babes and help them carry on traditions.  Smuggling liquor in Church during the Christmas Eve service to my underage teenager to give to me later.  I mean …wow… that’s some love.  I am blessed.

So I cried.  I cried that he did not get to see them serve in Church at the  Christmas Eve service that we had once dreamed of taking them to.  He would have loved it.  I cried for his fatherhood that he so loved.  I mean, if anything about him, I knew, he loved his children and he loved being a father.  I mourn for that so much.  I mourn that they have lost that amazing love.

I’m doing my best to help keep up the love and gifts and guidance.  Sometimes I rock it, and sometimes I flop.  I do think it’s ok to have both but I can’t help but to aspire to be the best or more.

So here we are, tomorrow we will rake my parents new lawn, help to hang pics, play with sweet cousins, look at antiques and just be.  family is now small.

I am honestly okay.  I wish for a job to stretch my mind and give me my fill of children some more.  I do wish for love and company but I do tell myself that , I at least experienced good love.  I wish for a best friend to be close by and love my children and this could be happening.  I have so much and I miss so much too.

 

 

year 2 and loneliness

So when I quit my job 6 months after John died, it was because I was not really functioning well and I put in a plan that allowed me to have some time, but to also finish my master’s degree.  I also thought I would pursue a PhD.  My last year combined as a graduate assistant though, gave me perspective of not liking being an hour away from my children, when I’m the only person in their life, and sometimes academia shit is silly.

So I thought I would pursue the next job and just knew I would land one soon hearing that some were going to be opening up.  Well..   yeah, this is not working out like I thought.

The master’s degree worked out.

The time with the children worked out and who knows, the job will eventually come but what I did not factor in was .

loneliness.

I’m here to tell you that, it sucks.

It’s year two and well.  it sucks.

I’m fatter than ever and even more isolated than last year.  I’m not doing so great but it has given me another perspective.

I don’t really need to be alone this much.

It’s a gift I guess for being a single parent, and giving me some time, not overwhelmed.

It’s quiet.

It’s time, to volunteer or be available to the kids.

I can run errands for my parents if they need me to.

I watch tv shows.

I take naps.

well here it goes.

I play on facebook

I stare

I cry

I write

I lay there.

I’m really still.

this past weekend, a new friend invited the children and I to a Lake house. It was lovely and had all sorts of gorgeousness.  But my favorite part was, she took us out to a field and we all laid down and looked at the stars.  It was then, I was thankful for having a friend that liked to just lay down in the dewey grass to look at stars.

We also stayed up late and just talked by a fire and drank good wine.   I’ll be honest.  This was kinda bliss.

We all have breakfast the next day and went out on a boat and I watched my kids smile and enjoy a new adventure.  We drove home and that night as I got into bed, I remembered why I was so very thankful.  It was a break from loneliness.

Not only did I lose John, my best friend, my partner, my co pilot, my bed buddy but I lost my former life.

I fit into a new mold and it does not match up so much with other things.  or others.

I’m thinking I should be like Brene and really explore the lonely and be one with it.