It is looming in the near future

It’s coming….

the anniversary.  Lately, it seems like I really can remember more details of what we were doing last year at this time.  It seems like it was just yesterday.  Everything has changed so much and yet, same house, cars, and kids.

Things that changed.

1.  John died

2.  I seemed to have had a complete personality rehaul/adjustment.  I am not really sad about it.  I just changed.  I had to but also in some ways my attitude towards life changed for the better and I unfortunately need to thank John.

3.  My kids are happy but there is something in each of them that is so mature now that they blow adults away in their ability to handle some touch shit.  I don’t know how they got that but it’s something to do with a good soul.

4. I had to let of grad school then i’m still catching up and still going and I don’t know how long and how far.  what dreams will come true about this, I don’t know.

5.  I did not get to go to New York City.

6.  I did not get to present a workshop at NAEYC.

7.  I gave up on lots of things that was heading my way because I had to be a single mom, to grieve and to walk us through this journey.

8.  I am one strong person.  I became stronger again. and everyday I become stronger.  there is little I am afraid of now.

9.  I quit my job I moved down here for, having to walk away from all my best friends.

10. I became a grad assistant and got financial assistance and work and experience that I will forever be grateful for.

11.  I became a Christian again.  It was slow.  It was gentle and I’m ok with this.

12.  I got another dog- a small one, an ugly one and she makes me giggle.

13.  I went out west finally.

14.  I met Juli

15.  I bought stuff and it did not make things better.

16.  I heard from people, and then they stopped calling.  they showed empathy and love and I counted on it and thought I had it and then they just did not show up anymore.   Losing John was tough and is. but also losing friends has been a bear too.

17.  but the reason I am a Christian again is that new friends found me.  I made such new good friends.  they keep coming and God knows how much I love this.  🙂

I gave up so much and it was not a choice in a lot of it.  I’m getting over that.  I cried a lot though.  I often want to call old friends up and call them names and tell them, you are sorry.  I even want to call some family members up and say, what the hell?”.  You make me sick.  but I don’t.  because… of … I changed. I forgave.  I forgave so many and grudges don’t do anything for your soul.  in fact it eats at you

when John died, John’s mom and I had to do stuff together and I thought it was going to be ok.  It’s not but it’s ok.  I don’t have time to deal with stuff that is hurtful and not healthy for myself and the kids but I am letting go of grudges.

It still hurts but I roll it off easier.  that must be john massaging my soul, because it’s like I got some of him in me to help me let go.

I’m slowly getting organized.  but I don’t do housework very well.

I am not eating healthy like I need to but it will come.  please God, let that come.

I’ve discovered that staying busy does me well.  even if I don’t want to, I need it.  I mean getting out but only if it’s good for me.  I’m not doing things that may involve stress that is not good for me.

It’s coming up and I see it.  I”m going celebrate him and love our kids that day and I’m going to keep going.

the blue and a puppy

it’s been awhile. I just could not write.  it seemed like i was in a way trying not to go there .  

Will wanted a puppy for his birthday. I tried to talk him out of it.  but he won.  we love her!  Willow is her name and she is a black pug.  she makes us all smile.  I pick her up and you cannot help but not smile.  you talk in a baby voice.  you cheer for poo poo and pee pee.  it’s so much different from a big dog.  I dream of out fits to dress her in.  I created a pug page on pinterest.  so i have company during the day to keep me a bit busy.  I do well caring for others.  because i’m blue.

i started school and that will help.  i’m overwhelmed.  and i’m blue. 

i miss John.  I miss him so much.  I have been dreaming about him.  No one calls to ask how are you.  No one really asks.   I’m not talking to my mom because she wrote me some email and that’s what i’m dealing with in therapy.  John’s mom is psycho and I have to deal with her due to the kids who love her.  

i miss John.

I miss his hugs.  I miss our humor. I miss him killing wasps or whatever.  I miss him taking care of the camper and us getting excited and trying ideas.  I miss him in the bed.  I miss him on the chair.  I miss him.  I miss cooking for him. I miss him so much.  I miss him being a dad.  

i hate not putting his name down.  I don’t want to not feel this but god it’s so damn hard.  just misery.  I don’t want to be around people because then I have to pretend i”m not sad because no one wants to be around  sad person.  I try to pretend.

i tried to eat healthy.  I will try.  

boiling eggs. 

i just want someone to take care of me. I”m so tired.

i would choose suicide but I would not do that to my kids so I have to just stay in misery.  

i miss you John.

when i write it, it feels good to say it.  but when i let it out, it comes out.  and it does not stop for awhile.  so here it is.  I opened up and said the most painful words. i miss you john. 

10 months and a bit more.  oh god.  this is awful.