me and my church tantrums

well yesterday started out with a bang.  we overslept.

K was going to start confirmation classes. (I can’t even believe this is happening so different from a year ago) anyway.  so we decided we had to leave A with W and I got dressed.  K grabbed us 2 banana’s.  We made it there on time and she went into her group.  I had barely any coffee and I needed it bad.  I walked around and did not see the coffee station, I looked but saw no one so I decided I needed to just leave and go get some.  I drove a bit around and admired some houses and felt sorry for my poor ass.  (shut up me) anyway I found my way to bojangles and I did have a new bo biscuit with some delicious cheese and that was pretty much worth it.  I got annoyed that they do not fix your creme and sugar for you but whatever.  I got the coffee going.  I sat in my mini van with the heat on outside the church and played clash of clans like a loser.

finally I walked in and waited for K before finding a seat for church.  I chatted with a new friend.  and K came out.

K- “mom can I sit with my friends”?

Me- “what?”  look of shock and despair.

but i let her.  then I stared.  what was I going to do?  I did not want to sit by myself.  I looked around.  My dear friend Heather was in wild mode on one of her busiest sundays.  I could not bother her.  so I sat down. I thought, I can do this.  I remarked on someone’s fb page and well… i started to feel teary.  why am I sitting here alone, while my younger two are home alone, and my oldest is somewhere else.  she never wants to sit or be with me anymore and I know it’s normal but it is heartbreaking.  I texted her and well, get ready.  I said some things.

I said.  this fucking blows.  I want to go home.  I sit by myself all the time.  she showed up fast.  I just started crying so I bolted with her beside me.  I got in the car and started sobbing.

I sobbbed and sobbed.  finally i just started talking.  she started crying.  I talked about being alone all the time.  I talked about not being forced to go to church and i told her how I came back to church for her.  I talked and talked and cried.  I came home and went straight to the bed.  I cried but I needed to vent.  I needed to tell someone who understood about not being alone for everything.  I recently befriended someone on one of the grief sites.  He actually lost his wife the day before John died.  He has 4 kids and they look to be around the same ages.  It’s just him.  he seems like he is making the best of it.  I admire him.  I decided I needed to vent to him.  He later asked me why and I said because he had more kids than I.  I also liked his thinking.  He wrote his wife a letter and posted it on the widow site and it was beautiful.  I told him.  I felt like she would want me to tell him.  anyway, I got on fb and sent him a message because we are “fb friends”.  He answered.  and I vented.  I vented about sitting alone.  I was so sick of it. sit alone at games, concerts, meetings everything it seemed.  watch other couples snuggle.  It’s hard.  but church.  I mean I Have 3 kids.  I should not have to sit alone.  I need to want to sit alone.  but church hits me in my sore spot.  I’m still not sure about being there sometimes but do not make me sit alone in church.  I will cry.

so I vented and vented to him .  finally he replied.

he said he was smiling.

so I paused and I smiled too.  ( not sure why this hit me right)

I waited to hear why he smiled.

then he said, he has the same thoughts.  he did understand!  He understood me!

no one really understands me much these days.  and in that moment.  He understood me.  I know i know, God and jesus and buddha and krishna understand me too.  John in heaven understood.  knowing John, he probably teared up for me too.

but my new friend understood.

and then some how or another we slowly chatted about… everything.  He was wasting time in publx and he had a sense of humor like instantly.

I think he even said something smart ass too.  I was so happy to be understood by a witty smart ass.

I pulled out of my tantrum.  I stopped crying.  I was exhausted though.  He picked up his kids and I took a long nap.

I freaked my kids out.  they cleaned and did the chores.  they left for a bit.  I finally woke and ran an errand to get Anna’s birthday cookie cake and cupcakes.  alone again.  another errand that I have to do.

I came home and ate leftovers.  I slowly turned it around.

Will came and sat by me while he did his homework, we talked about poems.  and my new witty smart ass friend messaged me.

I could not talk to anyone else.  one friend tried to call me (from church friend) and another called too.  I could not talk to them.  they don’t understand.  they would listen.  and offer some idea but it’s not the same.

I don’t know how I’m going to keep doing this alone thing.  it blows.  but I will somehow.

today I woke up and I was a lot better.  I did not feel exhausted like I had the day before.  I could do work I needed to do.  I even said good morning to my new friend and we even talked and he told me more of his story that I really relate to.  I’m not ready to talk on my blog about my other issue but one day I might.  right now I’m just going to get through this alone shit.

I even sent him my blog link to let him read my stuff.  I don’t let many people read this that I know can handle it.  I do want some feedback though.  I don’t know if I need to go public.  I find that helping other people helps me also.  I feel iike I need to let the world know about grief because …. well, actually the world did know, I just did not.  I had no idea about grief.  I don’t want people to know my world unless they can handle it.

My friends have changed, some kinda…. meandered off, and some stayed a bit and then they get busy, life moves on.  even family forgets.  everyday I hurt.  but i have to keep going.  I was mad at everyone but that went away.  now I just am sniffing around trying to figure out what path to take in life.  sniffing around for new friends and reaching out to those that will have me.  I wondered when God would talk to me about this?  I thought I would hear a message or something.  I thought I would have a understanding about my temper tantrum.  I don’t .  I don’t know if I learned anything, I don’t know what good it did?  I don’t know why I did that really.  It leaked out of me. I guess I had not cried a good cry in while.  I can’t wait to find my gift from God. Maybe it’s my new friend.  I hate to put that type of pressure though on him.  I am a force of nature and honestly I feel like I’m too much for everyone.  I’m just too much.  too much love, too much emotion, too much happy, too much passion, too much.  too much bitch, too much advocate.  too much mom, too much friend, i know i’m honestly too much in body.  I get so excited about something and I always go after it with passion.  Like….. my mac.  I freaking got my mac and I mac tified everything.   I got my redneck hot tub and I went total hot tub crazy.  I read a book and I read everything about that book, reviews, author, the author’s dogs shit collection.

so I don’t think my new friend is my message.

I feel like its not revealed to me yet.  I’ll know soon.  oh great, what if God does not send something like he does when things are tough.  he always sends me a message.  like 4 chairs or perfecct songs, or a job, or a grant or something.  he sends me a message to say, i’m on the right path.  where is my sign baby jesus?????  where is my sign for my church tantrum?

I was thinking about one of my favorite weeks

I was thinking about the summer of 2006.  We had a whole week without children.  John was not working.  I was preggo with Anna.  We decided to knock a bunch of stuff out in our house.  John painted.  I painted.  we cleaned.  We fixed.  We went out to dinner at night.  We make lists and we went shopping for frames for pics.  We finished our living room.  We hung pics and it looked amazing.  We were so proud of ourselves.  I loved the kacki color of the living room and the white trim.  I hung a saying above all the pics saying.  “It all started with love”.  I have these memories and I’m so thankful for them  I had such a life.  Our sweet house in Virginia, beautiful gardens, veggie garden, fruit bushes.  but I was not happy after having my babies.  I wanted more, I was bored.  we looked beyond.

I can’t say I regret it, but I do miss it.

last night I dreamed of him.  I miss him so much.  As I move further away from the date, I feel like I am losing my memories.