a year and a half

I can’t not write about today.  I have to.  because I saw it coming.  It’s really weird.  well maybe not, but I just knew that this would mark a year AND another half of a year.  like halfway to two years.

a year and a half of my kids growing up without him.

a year and a half of not having the life we might or would have had with him.

The other day, I was telling some students something and somehow I said, yeah i’m a single mom.  just 9 months of really being able to say this. I”m a single mom.  I”m a graduate student.

At the dental office, so … what do you do?

well I’m in grad school.

It used to me, I’m a Child development specialist, I’m in grad school for a masters in child development, I have three kids, and my husband is a teacher.  🙂  smile….

then chit chat about that.

now.

I’m a grad student.

I say that because it puts them off a bit.

then they say in what, and I say Child Development.  Oh…. they say.

what do you want to do?

I feel so weird at that point.  sometimes I say, i want to teach and sometimes depending on if they actually look me in the eyes to really listen, I’ll say more.

Later as the dental hygienist was cleaning my teeth, she lectured me about my plaque.  She said, you really need to floss, floss several times a day, she got stern kinda.

I kinda stopped, put my hand up and said.

before you continue you your lecture, My husband died a year and a half ago and well, you are lucky i showered today.  so stop.

errrrrrrrrrk

every flipping thing has changed.  even lectures at the dental office have changed.  see, now somehow, I end up having to tell one to please shut up.  please.  please shut up on how i should floss.  I know you are perfect looking and blond and then and you must be like what…. 23.  I know you don’t have plaque but please shut the fuck up.

what else?  oh yard work

John would have cleaned the gutters and cut my God damn bush so the dead limbs would not show.

I would have gotten to walk for graduation, because I would be finishing now.  not one more class … I would have walked.

I could have said, see John, I did finish.

I would have still had my job.

I would have been able to put more on my resume.

I might be driving the mini van.

and then as I look up and around, I think about how I kept going.  I bought the hammock you promised me.  I made a front yard living room with a fire pit.  I bought a basketball goal for the kids.  and redneck pool, i took them out west.  I’m going to Italy, I got up everyday and I took care of our kids all by myself.  let me repeat.  I got up every fucking day and I said all the mom stuff and got them in the car and I took them to school and I said I love you and said have a nice day.

I did not want to get up  I want to be held.  I want to scream.  I want someone to say it’s ok Ashley, sit down.   I will take car of this.

For a year and a half I put your death benefit in a money market account.  I put over half of our tax return in it and money I spent to have my bother bonded so he could oversee our kids estates that you left them.  I’m going to pay off the jeep.  I’m going to pay some taxes in Va and I’m going to go to Italy and hope that I find a job.

I wish i could hug you.  You would be so stressed this time of year with testing and shit.  moving forward. moving forward.

so a year and a half.  I passed my comps. i got our kid a pug last aug.  Kaegan is in D.C.  Anna is on her 2nd grade field trip and she knows she did not get to go on her first grade one because you had died.  I know you would look at me right now and cry too .

it’s  a new life John, it’s flipping new life now.  We kept on mowing the grass, I got the blades sharpened without you.  my parents are going to move here to help and be around more.

the kids are just gorgeous and good.  They miss you so fucking much but they would not say fucking.

it’s so weird, to let this out every now and then and when it comes out, it’s huge.  HUGE.

THIS WEEK has been lots of huge waves of grief.  I slowed down and looked at it and allowed it.  before, there was not denying it,  it just came out.  now, I can kinda not cry and keep moving.  apparently though, today I decided to pause and look at grief and allow myself to miss you fully and completely and so much whooshes out of me.

i miss you so much a year and a half later.

marriage is more important than your kids??????

So…. lately I’ve come across several articles or posts or whatever about people who make the claim that marriage is more important than you kids and I can’t for the life of me get my head around that.

I say that with a lot of love towards John and our kids.

I know for a fact (because we talked about it) is that we were in love with our children, we loved one another but we both made vows to one another that we would both give our lives for our kids.

For example if either one of our kids were the victim of something horrible, …. John and I agreed that one of us would take the bad person out.  In fact, we fought over who would get to do it.  We would have full on conversations about who would be the best person in jail.  🙂

another is I’ve wondered if the people who wrote these stupid articles have ever had a child seriously ill or in pain and had to watch that?  Have they been told their child had cancer?  I don’t think they know truly what it is to hit your knees, together with the other parent and beg God to take your life, but leave the child alone.  I know that John and I both received this miracle when Anna did not have Cancer.  I have never felt closer to John and God than that 20 min in a room praying as we would have the scan of our child showing us cancer and we got a free pass.

I believe that you have to work at marriage.  I know more now about what I should have done, what he could have done, what we would do if we could be together once again.  I’m a huge advocate of spouses dating and making time for one another.  I know, God I know what I would do now for my marriage if I could have it back..

but

I would still put my darlings first and I know John would have too.

I don’t understand why people say that?  To me, real love, real love between a husband and wife that are parents is looking at one another and knowing that we would give our lives for our children.  I know John would say that same.  I just know it.  I think many of my friends would too and I think my parents would say the same.

Now…. I have not had a child that had/has issues….. I think that’s another thing.  I’ll let you know though as I parent through the teenage years…. alone.

i love and miss you John.

annoyed with word press

hummm i tried to create another blog on word press but I had to go to another one.

anyway,  i just want to say that we miss John.  Anna said she missed him, she said she forgot what he looks like.  stab.

Kaegan misses him,  I asked what did she miss, she said everything.  stab.

Will would not write his essay to go to Camp Rockmont so I had to threaten him and get mean.  nothing bad just stood my ground.   I know he missed him.

I miss him.  bad.  this is the only place where I can just say it over and over and over and let it out.  no one ever asks me how I am and means it.  well except my therapist.

I’m not ok.  i miss my husband and the father to our kids.  I miss him so much .  I don’t want to be a downer.  but god I miss being a family.    meaning, we miss him in our family.

i wish i could just tell him over and over.

I hope he is with me monday when I take my exam.  I wish he watches over me and helps me write.

IRS loving

john loved doing taxes.  He would almost tremble in anticipation of the paperwork.  A year or so after he got his groove, he would often, just “go ahead and work ahead”.   He would start telling me how and why of whatever and whenever.  I would just nod.  “ok john.”  sure.   One year, he busted out of the kitchen nook and said, “we are getting like $7000.00 back.  I was like…”WHAT?”   that night in bed we dreamed big  what would we do.   First the fun stuff… the beach for a week …. a big beach house… then heck.  .a beach house with a pool, then John would get all somber like and say, well…. we really need to pay this or that ….. i would agree.  true.. john… true.  so we would agree that we would pay off some debt…. then….WE WOULD DREAM AGAIN….. this time  a half a week….. or a week at the aunts condo… and disney…… let’s build a 2nd bath…… let’s re do upstairs… and so on…….  let’s pay off the van…. years went by….. that year, he was kinda wrong.  I remember he coming to me and saying… i was wrong  we barely get anything back.   so….. we went on our merry way, we were rich for second and payed off some bills.  and we moved along.  always bills.  lots of health bills due to John and little children.

This year.  1.5 years after John has moved to the big place of Heaven.  I’m doing my 2nd taxes alone and my first full year of “widow” apparently I get 3 years of this.  then I claim head of household.  wow.  i’ll be 45 when that happens.

kinda hit my feminism button.

oh well. let it go. embrace the widowhood.

So this year, apparently I get a good amount back and John would have stroked out with that.  I want to call him so bad and say, “you are never going to believe this, but this year is the best, it’s because you died and the gov’t finally feel sorry for us and kinda gifts us.  they are like, jesus, people, do you need some money?  no they are not.  I need to say, yeah, I do, i need some stupid money for my daughters’s stupid band trip for no reason, but she can do even though it’s for no reason.  yeah… well wait.  I have principals.  SHE IS NOT GOING.    I won’t buy every single name brand.  I will find my joy in finding it at Goodwill and from my sweet rich neighbors pass alongs.   god bless….

IRS time.  but…. the kids… oh dear… where John screwed up and named the beneficiaries… yep… guess what they owe.

Alsready they owe.  Those Rich SOB kids.  …..  it’s barely a salary for year for each of them, but it’s gonna be taxed.  Hey gov’t you bend over and let their momma show you something….

oh wow. sorry.

so they will owe but the sweet govt will pay me.  oh hell yeah you willl.

I am busting ass being a graduate student in a field that our society refuse to put on a pedestal.  I am a graduate assistant, gopher…… i file shit like none’s business.  I sit quiet like even though….

anyway…. it’s all good.

IRS,  send me my check.  bitch.