I can’t not write about today. I have to. because I saw it coming. It’s really weird. well maybe not, but I just knew that this would mark a year AND another half of a year. like halfway to two years.
a year and a half of my kids growing up without him.
a year and a half of not having the life we might or would have had with him.
The other day, I was telling some students something and somehow I said, yeah i’m a single mom. just 9 months of really being able to say this. I”m a single mom. I”m a graduate student.
At the dental office, so … what do you do?
well I’m in grad school.
It used to me, I’m a Child development specialist, I’m in grad school for a masters in child development, I have three kids, and my husband is a teacher. 🙂 smile….
then chit chat about that.
I’m a grad student.
I say that because it puts them off a bit.
then they say in what, and I say Child Development. Oh…. they say.
what do you want to do?
I feel so weird at that point. sometimes I say, i want to teach and sometimes depending on if they actually look me in the eyes to really listen, I’ll say more.
Later as the dental hygienist was cleaning my teeth, she lectured me about my plaque. She said, you really need to floss, floss several times a day, she got stern kinda.
I kinda stopped, put my hand up and said.
before you continue you your lecture, My husband died a year and a half ago and well, you are lucky i showered today. so stop.
every flipping thing has changed. even lectures at the dental office have changed. see, now somehow, I end up having to tell one to please shut up. please. please shut up on how i should floss. I know you are perfect looking and blond and then and you must be like what…. 23. I know you don’t have plaque but please shut the fuck up.
what else? oh yard work
John would have cleaned the gutters and cut my God damn bush so the dead limbs would not show.
I would have gotten to walk for graduation, because I would be finishing now. not one more class … I would have walked.
I could have said, see John, I did finish.
I would have still had my job.
I would have been able to put more on my resume.
I might be driving the mini van.
and then as I look up and around, I think about how I kept going. I bought the hammock you promised me. I made a front yard living room with a fire pit. I bought a basketball goal for the kids. and redneck pool, i took them out west. I’m going to Italy, I got up everyday and I took care of our kids all by myself. let me repeat. I got up every fucking day and I said all the mom stuff and got them in the car and I took them to school and I said I love you and said have a nice day.
I did not want to get up I want to be held. I want to scream. I want someone to say it’s ok Ashley, sit down. I will take car of this.
For a year and a half I put your death benefit in a money market account. I put over half of our tax return in it and money I spent to have my bother bonded so he could oversee our kids estates that you left them. I’m going to pay off the jeep. I’m going to pay some taxes in Va and I’m going to go to Italy and hope that I find a job.
I wish i could hug you. You would be so stressed this time of year with testing and shit. moving forward. moving forward.
so a year and a half. I passed my comps. i got our kid a pug last aug. Kaegan is in D.C. Anna is on her 2nd grade field trip and she knows she did not get to go on her first grade one because you had died. I know you would look at me right now and cry too .
it’s a new life John, it’s flipping new life now. We kept on mowing the grass, I got the blades sharpened without you. my parents are going to move here to help and be around more.
the kids are just gorgeous and good. They miss you so fucking much but they would not say fucking.
it’s so weird, to let this out every now and then and when it comes out, it’s huge. HUGE.
THIS WEEK has been lots of huge waves of grief. I slowed down and looked at it and allowed it. before, there was not denying it, it just came out. now, I can kinda not cry and keep moving. apparently though, today I decided to pause and look at grief and allow myself to miss you fully and completely and so much whooshes out of me.
i miss you so much a year and a half later.