Friday night life

So it’s a lovely friday night.  I’m exhausted because I was up last night with stomach issues, deciding if my appendix was going to explode and when I should wake my mom to take me to the ER, or just praying to pass gas.  Thankfully it was the last.  but 4 hours of extreme pain, always kinda helps you have your best pity parties.  I called in backup and the girls got rides to school.  I fell back asleep for 2 hours and then just was exhausted from feeling so sick.

As the day went on, I had time to admire my screen porch and catch up on a few simple errands from my couch.  I drank water and just kinda relaxed.  and I thought about my life.

I need to take better care of myself because I need to…

the night began and I checked Facebook and I found that 2 of my friends had re posted a girl from Austin’s blog.  about how hard your 30’s are, when you have young children.  I laughed. a snarky laugh.  more like.  HA!

no it’s not Austin girl.  I mean, yeah you are tired but it’s a good tired.  You probably have healthy kids.  You probably have a nice laptop to type on and time to write about how tired you are.  You have someone that you made your babies with probably still around to annoy you but hug you too.  I’m sorry 30 year old whiney woman.  Shut up.

Have you ever had a sick child like, really sick, because I’m reading about brave parents as they watch their child battle cancer.  now that’s tired.

I watch women I work with, work like dogs, and be a single momma to a child with significant cognitive delays and she works 2 other side jobs.  oh the main job- she is a toddler teacher and manages to have the most understanding attitude I’ve ever seen with this age group.  She is tired.

I watch a Dad with two small children, take and pick them up from care and go home and design things and manage to be 2 parents.

Austin mommy, you don’t know tired or how hard life is.

because it’s friday night and I’m tired because i got sorda sick and was up, but then I also have to think, what if, something happens to me, because Austin mom,  my children’s dad died suddenly and life really got complicated.

I do everything.  and I do it also with my children who can help.  but I sign all paperwork, and pay all bills, and run all errands.  I get my oil changed, i plan a vacation, I work a job, i take kids to school, meet them int he afternoon.  but you know what is really hard Austin mom.

It’s holding your 9 year old when she cries because I did not eat lunch with her and when she see’s Dad’s eating with their kids it reminds her of how much she misses her dad, so she cries and then I cry.  That’s hard.

When I’m puking, there is no one to call to, to get me a wash cloth or just say, are you ok?

When my teenager gets obsence texts from boys there is no one to calm me down when I want to hurt the person, or to help me protect my babies from this world.

There was no one to take my kids to get a momma’s day present.  and instead we smile and  laugh at fun cards but we all think about Dad even on Mothers day.

God forbid and help me get through father’s day.  that one really fucking hurts and is hard.

I title it Friday night because it’s so quiet and I have no one to talk to, my kids are good and chilling out, but I don’t have an adult to tell about my week or pick on.  it’s so quiet that I think about him and allow myself to just go ahead and not fight the wave of grief rising and I feel it.  because there is no other way to be.  I have to keep feeling grief over and over and over and over and I have to stay strong, because I have to support 3 children who feel it over and over and over.

but Austin momma.  I know I”m lucky as hell to have my house, my dogs and cat and 3 healthy kids.  I thank God for his blessings of health and for giving me tenacity.

Austin momma, stop it.  stop.  I know you are tired but go visit a pediatric cancer ward, or go to the assisted living village and watch that mom, balance taking care of her parents and her children.

Eat your fancy Austin food.  and drink a glass of wine and watch your kids favorite movie with them tonight for the 9th time because they can see, you can afford and take a moment.