I think deep depression for me has meant, something is shifting.
The last time I have felt this low, was when it was discovered how much I actually wanted change, big change. like moving. So we changed our lives.
I’ve been shifting constantly since John died. I’ve been changing. I’ve watched friends change, and I think I’m ready to say, I’ve changed.
Getting in deep to myself, means I get to be super selfish. It’s like the closet no one wants to clean out but one day, there you are.
I’m like, fuck, oh man, I forgot about that. Well, guess what I don’t need that anymore.
I’m like, oh, well lets just get rid of these things cluttering up your brain. Let go of the past.
let go of what you think you should be doing.
let go of silly dreams
be present. be present with Ashley. So I have been doing some major Ashley time. I am finding myself again.
I found myself reading again. oh man, it’s so juicy good. it’s like brain food and my brain is like yum yum yum.
I lost my appetite so if I eat, I’m like well, is there anything in the fridge that actually might be good for you? ok, Ashley, I’ll eat this avocado. ok, I’ll have a salad again. ok, I’m not going to finish eating something if I don’t want to eat more.
whew one thing with this closet though is that when you move stuff around you don’t know where things are, so like calming down.
my house land lord came by to change out a micorwave. they gave me their black one and took away the not working stainless steal one. what I was caught off guard was how suddenly I felt second class. I get it, it’s their house, she wants the pretty one and so she give me the 2nd class one. this sent me into a panic attack. I felt it though come. I got quiet. I got nervous feeling. I ate to make sure I had food. then I took my pill and asked my daughters to hug me. I watched someone else strong choose themselves first. They are very nice people, but they were not chatty. they were there to do a job and so I walked away and just was present with my child. and I calmed down. I calmed down. I thought about it.
she puts her self first and does not think a thing about it.
who does not put herself first? me!
I also had been having jealousy feelings that day, and then yesterday I had Way more. It really pissed me off because it was towards people I liked but then I realized. they put themselves first. they love themselves and that helps them love others.
I’m going back to my closet cleaning. I have a few ideas.
One thing in my closet that I”m working on is, letting go of things that don’t do anything for me. which means a couple of friendships.
I’m not calling again. I did that and it fell through and for now on. if someone wants to see me, then call. no more of me.
that friend that keeps calling. yep. I’m calling her and I’m making a date. she loves me continuously and she does shit that I don’t even ask for. I need more of that.
letting go of the family anger. so it’s not what I dreamed. but that’s ok. So what can I do? I can pray that I find more friends that can be like family.
I used to give back, though volunteering my whole life. I met people, I had great experiences, that taught me cool things in life. Like…. I was a candy striper y’all.
I served on student council my whole school life.
I cleaned up the earth
I played music.
I’m also putting my bottles up a bit more. meaning. I’m not drinking as much. it’s been really slow which is what I dreamed of. So I’ve been going to bed earlier and I remember now.
I’ve found a new thing to study that effects my work with babies and well, guess what I think the world needs more Ashley Parks, child development thoughts. so I”m exploring writing.
this closet of me is a mess. but gosh I love her.
I love my short statue.
I love my hair long and wavy and natural. (sorta).
I love being without makeup
I love not shaving.
I love wearing whatever I want.
I love my humor and my joy at finding a new funny show.
I love reading and pouring myself into a book. I love finding deep, books that are real and so beautiful I read them aloud just to enjoy the vocabulary words that the author found and used in the most poetic way.