Double Digits

The youngest turned double digits.  The anticipation for this age, started at age 8.  As soon as she turned 8, she said, two more years… then I”m 10!  Then a year passed and she turned 9.  Still. she said…. one more year till 10.  So the day arrived.  Due to the 5 inches of snow, the schools were cancelled for the second day in a row.  The thrill could be seen on her face when her brother squealed the announcement, MOM, SCHOOL IS CANCELLED AGAIN!!!   The baby of the family, almost knocked herself out jumping in the year.  I was even caught up in the sheer joy she was expressing and I teased her and said, they found out, they found out, Anna, they knew it was your birthday so they cancelled.  Later I decided to enjoy the new movies out on Amazon.  1st mistake…. sweet/sad movies.  Between being hormonal and birthday grief, I lost my grief guard.  I cried through 2 movies, and finally crawled in the bed and cried myself to sleep.

Because, Birthdays are hard.  Hard to be so happy for the birth of your child when you feel that deep pang in you, wishing they had the one true wish.   Pang, of missing him so much and missing that he loved celebrating with them.

Lately, we have been going through the holidays and some family drama of the grandparent in the hospital.  Our holiday was just get through it.  I have to create magic, all while wanting to just fall down and stomp my feet.  I don’t want to adult.  I want to have the facade that everyone else puts up that Christmas is so freaking great with your weird in laws and we are not broke.

This year I had to rob retirement to pay for Christmas.  There is more to it, like quitting my job but Christmas kept seeming to not be in my financial monthly check.

anyway we made it.  Then she turned 10.

I just cried.  I do this alone.  I grieve basically alone now.  No one checks in anymore.  Not even family.  I do this alone.  So I think I have developed grief guard.  I don’t go down memory lane, because it opens up.

This past fall, when I was so miserable, it was a distraction to grief.  ha.

Now, I have a glimmer of hope in new professional plans and so I don’t have a distraction. I have happy stuff to think about but then when grief hits, it does not bounce off, it goes straight to my heart.

I can feel it, I see whatever that triggers a memory, thought, and I can honestly feel grief.  My right side of my back tightens up.  It’s the oddest thing.  I can feel my jaw clinch, and I close my eyes.  I inhale and when I exhale, it comes out with tears.  I breathe again and just close my eyes.  I have noticed that since I’ve gotten better with my chest, that I don’t gag as much.  Her birthday though, made me cry in my pillow and wail.

I begged again, please God, let me talk to him.  please.

I want to tell you how much she loves you.  Our baby craves you.  She wants love so much.  There are only a few of us to tell her that we love her.  She eats it up.  It’s on the edge of obnoxious but I know that honestly she is just so thirsty for affection and love.  She has always been this exuberant joyful and dramatic child.  but damn, she loved him.  The attachment to all three was so strong.  He was not like other dads that I observe.  John was there with our kids.  Sure he annoyed me playing battle pirates but he also put them to bed every single night.  Three years have passed and finally we are losing the sacred bed time ritual.  mostly because I suck and I’m out of mom giving at night.  but the eve of the 10th birthday was different.

the baby-Mom-

me- yes

the baby-, pray for daddy.

me- ok.

every night for 3 years.  pray for daddy.  I don’t know why?  I think it’s to tell him that we love him and to come back.  Maybe that is is ok in heaven?  I’m not sure and I don’t have the strength to ask her, what are we praying for.  Maybe it’s all of it, maybe it changes as the time has gone on.

Happy Birthday my double digit and Golden Birthday girl.  Mom and Dad love you.