Juggling.

I am about down to my last iota of patience, soul, and ability to function at this life I have now..  I am failing left and right.  I cannot stand it.  I usually do ok if I want to, well I can’t seem to make the mark.  This week Will having strep throat threw me off.  I ran around trying to get work stuff done to never feel like it meant jack shit.  I feel guilty for not working, then I get to work and bust my ass playing catch up for when I’m not there physically and mentally.  I can’t win to lose.  I run home to a disastrous house, beg the younger two to do some things, leave to watch the oldest play soccer, I watch the whole game and get two calls from the younger two afraid.  fuck me.  seriously fuck this.  Finally, Kaegan gets to play, I sit up, and watch, I get a phone call from Anna who wants to play next door.  

me- “not right now Anna”

Anna-but i want to.

Me-Anna, I said no.

Anna-but Charlie is here.

Me- Tell Charlie to go home.

Me- Will, Charlie cannot be there.  

Me-Hey guys I want to watch Kaegan play finally. 

They-click.

guilt.

I’m not there.  I”m not at work for a night event.  My boss just looked at me.  I felt like a shit.  

Why do I even care?  I mean seriously.  I cannot care anymore.  I have to let go.  I have to really let go of things I cannot help.  

I am a single momma now.  My friends are busy.  They have lives.  my family is busy they have lives.  I am alone. 

I”m going to be ok, but damn it hurts.  At the game, families sit together. and I feel alone.  I”m there though.   I’m watching her sit on that bench and when she finishes the game, she looks for me and there I am.  I am here .

I’m going to be here.  I’m going to try to be over there too, and there and oh yeah, there.  

I’m going to put you all to bed every night.  I’m going to wake you up every morning.   I”m going to drive you to school and we are going to talk about how you are.   I”m going to be here.  

My first picture with my camera that would eventually be part of my therapy

My first picture with my camera that would eventually be part of my therapy

John. How would we have known that 2 weeks later he would be gone. He just looked at me. He was playing on that damn computer I got him. I was giddy over my camera. He never fussed at me. He knew he would never ever be able to tell me no. I got the dream camera. and he was my first shot.

My Gel nails

Saturday I decided to see if anyone would want to do something with me.  I called around and finally I got to Kelly and she answered.  Yeah!  (she was like 2).  “what are you doing kelly?”……. Kelly says…”I’m getting my nails done.”   ohhhhhhhh I say.  She says, “Do you want to do it too?”   “YES, I SAY, YES!”.  So I throw on jeans and shirt and kiss the kids goodbye.  

Where are you going?  What?  Why?  How long?  Can I come?  please can we have girl time?  no, no and no and no.  I’m going for me.

so I run out of the house… . 🙂  So I head off, I get there, i see Kelly, I plop right beside her.  While sitting there she asked me to text her husband to say, “give it to me.”   I happily agreed!  Oh yeah, now this is what I’m taking about.  Later I had to call him to get the information he was not giving Kelly and I told him it was me and that I was giddy over saying , “give it to me.”  he laughed…. well sorda he laughed.   Anyway I lectured him on why his wife needed a smart phone and he said no way for paying for data charges…….

as she got her nails put on…. (giggle).

ALL OF A SUDDEN THE BOY NAIL TECH SAID TO ME….. “COME”   i was like, ok…… what is happening.  He was going to do my nails???? Not the other lady that talked to us?  I sat down and he looked and he just got his stuff out and started filing my real nails.  He never ever talked to me.  occasionally if I was not paying attention he would say, “fan”.  That meant put my hand in front of the fan to dry my nail stuff.  When you get gel nails it’s very very serious business.  First you clean the real nails, then you glue long fake nails on. then you pretend you have claws. and you do a hiss like face… well I did not but Kelly did and I really appreciated that.  my boy probably would not have liked me to make a face.  Anyway he is touching my fingers and the music was actually relaxing.  It was classical and then it was new age ish.    I really liked having my nails done to classical and he touched my fingers a lot.  

Ok- I want to pause here.  I was happy with someone touching my fingers.  I am so so so and so needing touch now.  I am so needing adult touch not child touch.  I have lots of child touch.  I am so thrilled to have child touch but adult touch is good.  So I thought well, at least I’m getting touched.  

So he is dipping and painting and dipping and painting, it was fun to watch, actually very relaxing.  and then…… i was told to dry and it was over.   WE BEAT KELLY AND HER GIRL AND THEY STARTED LIKE 14 MIN BEFORE US.  WE BEAT THEM.  MY MAN BEAT THEM.  then I looked down.  wow my thumb was huge.  my nails were huge.  they were like long and white.  Did assertive/tendency to be aggressive sometimes when it comes to protecting others say something.  hell no.  i sat there and waited for my man who disappeared.  Kelly’s girl made Kelly’s nails sticky so she consulted my man.  He told her what to do and she did it and it fixed Kelly’s nails.  I watched. He never said, ok it will be …..$$$ so I finally said ok can I pay.  He rings it up, never saying how much.  I look down and it was 45 bucks. WHAT?  45 bucks for whore nails?  there was a line for tip.  I was mad, he never spoke to me and I Had whore nails.  I decided that he would only get a 3 dollar tip.  No five dollar tip for him.  I bet he was so upset.  

So we paid and Kelly and I hugged and we looked at our gel nails.  

So I got out of my house, I chatted with Kelly and had my fingers touched.  I had an amusing experience.  and someone touched me.  

the adventures of my gel nails is now featured on my Facebook and seems to be entertaining people.  

Gobble Gobble

I guess I’m going to start a blog so I can journal. It’s been almost 5 months. I’m home with Will and strep throat and I have cried continuously. I spent the morning doing some work stuff and calling local grief places trying to find camps for the kids. I found tons of web sites that I never had come across. Life is lonely. People I never knew before reach out to me. John’s cousin’s girlfriend from bulgaria sent us cool red and white bracelets to wear so that Mother Nature will be happy. Yesterday a minister friend brought over dinner and while we all chatted, I looked outside and the BIGGEST turkey I have ever seen was strutting up the road. He was huge. We have never had a turkey walk up the road before. John Parks would have been so pleased. I honest to God, thought, It’s John, he has come back to life as a Turkey. I don’t know how many times I yelled at him when he almost took our lives in the car because he saw Turkeys in a field. He tutored me in turkey gobbling. (Also a good thing to know as a Hokie fan). So JR the Turkey for John Russell, strutted up the road. The kids and I just stared and laughed. Ironically Zoe the great dane was inside, otherwise JR might have bit the dust if she had been out. So JR the turkey just strutted and strutted. I cried and cried for that damn turkey.

Changing life up.

Hello Dear friends, Today at my work place an email went out letting everyone know that I had put in my letter of resignation. I plan on working my way out slowly so that I can spend the summer with my children. I realized in January that I was never going to be able to pull this all off being alone. I started looking at options and I decided to finish my master’s by going to school full time and also being home more with my children. When I finish I will reassess and possibly continue on for the doctorate. My children are doing well, but being their mother is my number one priority and stabilizing our family. Mountain Area/Verner has been the MOST INCREDIBLE place to work for and I will mourn walking away from them and yet I feel so supported in taking another path that supports my children. I hope with some time, I can take better care of myself and get back to playing in this life we have. Grief has sucked so much happy out of me and that really pisses me off. So I will be doing about ANYTHING therapeutic I can to heal my broken heart. Thank you for your positive as I jump off another cliff. ( I do have a parachute)