I am about down to my last iota of patience, soul, and ability to function at this life I have now.. I am failing left and right. I cannot stand it. I usually do ok if I want to, well I can’t seem to make the mark. This week Will having strep throat threw me off. I ran around trying to get work stuff done to never feel like it meant jack shit. I feel guilty for not working, then I get to work and bust my ass playing catch up for when I’m not there physically and mentally. I can’t win to lose. I run home to a disastrous house, beg the younger two to do some things, leave to watch the oldest play soccer, I watch the whole game and get two calls from the younger two afraid. fuck me. seriously fuck this. Finally, Kaegan gets to play, I sit up, and watch, I get a phone call from Anna who wants to play next door.
me- “not right now Anna”
Anna-but i want to.
Me-Anna, I said no.
Anna-but Charlie is here.
Me- Tell Charlie to go home.
Me- Will, Charlie cannot be there.
Me-Hey guys I want to watch Kaegan play finally.
I’m not there. I”m not at work for a night event. My boss just looked at me. I felt like a shit.
Why do I even care? I mean seriously. I cannot care anymore. I have to let go. I have to really let go of things I cannot help.
I am a single momma now. My friends are busy. They have lives. my family is busy they have lives. I am alone.
I”m going to be ok, but damn it hurts. At the game, families sit together. and I feel alone. I”m there though. I’m watching her sit on that bench and when she finishes the game, she looks for me and there I am. I am here .
I’m going to be here. I’m going to try to be over there too, and there and oh yeah, there.
I’m going to put you all to bed every night. I’m going to wake you up every morning. I”m going to drive you to school and we are going to talk about how you are. I”m going to be here.