The GA Gig is up.

So another door is closing.  The saving door.  Plan B door.  This door came open when plan A life blew up.

Plan B

Plan B was to be a GA and finish Master’s.  Then apply for fellowship and get Ph.D.

Plan B, winter semester 2015 kicked my ass.  Her name was Trivette and she gave us a lot of work.  I had two classes with her and thankfully had an independent study in research that I trudged slowly along with and took an incomplete to get my head around literature reviews.

whew.

Now PlanC…….  I can’t see the door?????  Hello….. Plan C door where are you???

IN the meantime, plan B.5.  is to finish incomplete, take one last glorious class in environments, take children on beach vacation and then take myself to Italy and dream about Reggio practices.

Perhaps a millionaire will meet me on the gulf shore and give me millions to write grief stuff.

Perhaps I will make a new best friend who says, come live with me and let’s watch Netflix all day and everyday.

Perhaps my dream man will come from out of no where and say, marry me and I’ll take you to Montreat?

Perhaps in Italy, I’ll get lost on a train and sit next to a hot stinky italian man and he will whoo me with his pasta?

perhaps….

in the mean time, I’ve got to write a lit review, take pics of my girl’s first formal, attend a few more events for children and pack for vacations.

i say a prayer now, daily.  almost.

God, work through me.  God, thank you.  God, help me.  God, keep leading me and I’ll be ok.

I thank him for my beautiful kind kaegan, for my brilliant shy Will and for my joyful exherberant Anna.

Thank for my plan B time.  Thank you God.  When I choose that path, I knew you were there.  I knew it was where I was supposed to be and right now, I’m looking for the path to C… maybe even C then D.

i hear a thought in my mind.  wait.

i hear wait.  be patient.  it will come.  believe.   make the most of this time.  savor this.

I have new meds that have steadied me out.  I’m back on stable ground.  not sure if it’s the semester over, or really chemicals my body desperately needed.  Thank you Lexapro.  Wellbutrin, thank you.  2 drugs to help me.

grief is there but I can be with it.  Today, I was asked if I will have more children… no.  i said,  my husband died.

It was easier to say that instead of no.  the reason I said this is because she looked at my hand and saw all my children.  so i gave her what she wondered.

in a way it was gratifying because she said, oh you have 3 children you are raising on your own?

yes.

oh wow.

I mean, thank God, I have like 2 degree’s in children but this teen thing is mind boggling.

anyway I felt like someone validated my exhaustion.  not just physical but my daily psychological challenge and  yet they are what keeps me up and going.  I don’t know how I wold have kept going.

Plan C…… hmmmmmm

Blue Soup

So a bring a meal email went out to the church ladies….(so much fun to say that) and I decided to bring dinner for someone who is new to the church, and just battled and kicked some cancer ass.  She had reconstructive surgery on Monday and I just really felt called to do something.  I’ve had three friends battle cancer twice.  Breast cancer is a bitch.

So she is vegetarian and I decided to make something veggie which is so not my forte.  I wanted it to be comforting too.  I choose soup because you never know what you feel like when you have surgery and I don’t know her pain level.  So I got some of my soup things on Sunday which probably was one of the worst days of my life lately…. another story …

So today I cooked.  I got home from taking all three kids.  I just want to say that again, because, I got tickled at a girl who could not meet me early one morning to pick up something from her mom, I was bringing to her.  I said I could meet her at 8am.  She said, well that’s early, are you sure?  I was like, um yeah, I’m up,  I leave at 7am to take the kids to school.  “oh”

anyway I just wanted to say that.

So soup……  So I cut some beautiful carrots, I had blue ones and yellow ones.  So I cut those and used my blue potatoes and i just had all sorts of color up in there.   …..

later I added the flour and half and half.  guess what…

I made blue soup.

well it’s kinds purple blue.  🙂  I should make a card and say, BLUE SOUP FOR YOU!  🙂

I”m going to get them some crusty bread and I got some yummy drink and I even got mints.

As I cooked, sliced and added in, I prayed.  I prayed for her.  please let this nutrition go into her, please let this make her feel loved.  Please help her heal.

I felt a calmness today settle in.  It’s gorgeous outside, I cleaned the camper up a bit.  I cooked.  I played.  I relaxed.

I needed to do something for someone else to help me remember what I can do, is to love others.

once again…. let’s have a “what not to say to widows.”

“you know, you have forgotten how it was, of how they ignored you or you don’t tell each other everything.  you are just romanticizing the past.  ”

this was said to me when I said, I miss having someone to tell stuff to.

silence.

hold for silent cry starting.

hello from the person.

me- you have no idea.  i am so lonely and i can feel this way.  you have no idea.

this was a good friend.

a good person closely related to this good person said.

“well now that you have all this money, maybe she will have dinner with you.”

um.  oh ok.

You are better than that.

well I just got through another holiday.  Mother’s day. Most would say huh?  but you are here.  but honestly, it just reminds you of everything.

I want to say though that it did go better.

I woke up at the LEAF festival where I had won weekend passes.  I managed to only go for a little less than 24 hrs.  IT was on my bucket list and now it’s off,  we camped in a tent.  I slept on an mattress beside one of my good friends and her husband.  So I felt safe.  I slept in my tent beside her boys so she and her hubby could go party.  I thought originally I would go but I was exhausted with the walking and the heat.  the heat. .  …. whew.

So in the morning, My friend Anna make me coffee and that was just bliss.  Then she made me a sausage, warmed up pancakes and a potato thing with a piece of cheese.  I was in awe.   I was just going to eat a pop tart.  this was gormet.

soon after, I started to pack the tent an bags and rolled up a few things and I headed to get the car.  It ended up being a good mile walk with just Will and I.  but you know what it was good.  I need to walk and it was nice to walk with just Will.  It was under the tree’s and we could stare at the people and tents.  then I drove back and the kids and Anna had broken down the tent for me.  So all we did was load and drive home by 10am.  whew…. i was so happy.

Then I got teary.

The kids brought me the handmade cards.  Will gave me his “used” old headlamp I gave him but he got another nice new one and so i got this one.  The girls made cards.  Anna’s card said she loved me and gulp… it also said.

I”m sorry Dad is not here.

so I burst into tears.

Later I called my mom and while listening to all the nice things the men did for other mothers and ladies I got jealous and said it.  So my mom got mad and then I got mad and then i yelled and hung up on her.

nice. ashley.  nice.

grief is a bitch.  It’s so selfish.  It hurts so much and you are bleeding out and watching emotions pour out.  I also think grief is now even more of a bitch when it’s a year and a half older.  Also not only is my grief a bitch but it gets even meaner when it gets compared to grief.  My mom decided to compare my grief that she has known.  I did not want that.  I know she misses her dad and her mom.  Gosh I do know that.  I know she misses her friend Anne.  but it made me mad that she decided she could tell me she understood my grief when it’s not the same thing.  It’s not the same thing being a momma of 3 and grieving yourself but also holding up your children when they grieve.

I got mad because my mom said my dad called his sister to wish her a happy mothers day.  he did not call me.

I got mad because my uncle planted bushes in a yard for a woman who is going to be a widow.

I got mad because no one helped my kids remember me.

yep, I”m going to admit it.

when you lose a spouse.  and it’s later.  people don’t think about raising children to think about others.  so it’s up to me and i have to admit, sometimes I”m good but sometimes I suck.

I read about other people getting help and I don’t.

Now to be fair, my parents are like giving up their retirement and moving here part time.  whew and it’s gonna be a ride but hopefully things will get better.

I called my mom and apologized.

I had cried and through my tears, I heard my conscience push through, let’s call that God.  God knows me, and loves me and well I choose to think that he knows me .  i heard.  Ashley that was not ok and that is not who you are.  I know you are hurting, but it’s not ok to say those things.  You are better than that.

that’s what I heard and it’s what I cling to.

I am better than feeling sorry for myself.  I make things happen.

I make happy.

I do this.

I”m am better than stuff.

I am better than people not thinking of me.

I will make a difference in this world and when I have my pity party, soon after even before I can finsih the cry, God who was there, kinda helps me get perspective and regroup.

crap- i acted stupid. what do I do?  you apologize and you mean it.  then you pick up your pity party self and keep moving forward.

writing helps. but not yesterday.  too tough.

Father’s day, will be tough again but we will be in Florida.  I plan the tough days.  maybe I should go ahead and plan for my next mother’s day.  Maybe my mom will be here and I can pay attention to her.  yeah.  maybe that will be.