First I wonder am I supposed to write and think about step 2 already, or am I supposed to still be thinking about step 1. The twelve steps of AA are a bit mind boggling to me. They push the 12 steps of AA but I can’t seem to find the rule book to explain them or I should say, “work them” as they advise. The blue book definitely goes over the 12 steps and has stories but I’m frustrated with the male voice so it’s having a negative effect.
Now to my reflection.
Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
This is simply the baseline of my personal faith. For me I would say, as long as I have a mustard seed of faith, then God is with me. I personally can attest to the above statement due to losing John and losing my faith and saying, it’s all done God. and… then God was not done with me. I know in my heart that I have witnessed the love of God or the action of God because there is no way to explain how he/she/it showed up in the darkest moments for me after John died. I do tell people about this when I am asked to talk about “faith”.
But this… this step 2 is hard. I really felt it this past week when my therapist told me that all I have to do is ask God and he will help me. and I thought again some old thoughts but I know it’s because it’s such a primal thing.
- I asked God to save John and John died.
- I told God to fuck off and he did not. He sent me love in every way possible that only I could know it was God. and maybe John if John got to be an angel in which I hope to God that he did because that thought makes me so happy because John would be the best Angel.
- If I ask God to help me now, will he really?
So I am asking God, please God, do not let me drink again. Please lead my thoughts and cravings to somewhere else and instead help me heal myself. If I have to be with my thoughts, please let me use what I have learned of going through the trauma and replaying it and or not replaying it and be ok.
I’m asking God to let me be ok without numbing myself because it’s too much. and if it’s too much that I’m asking God to walk with me through it, help me feel it knowing that I’m going to be ok and it’s going to subside and I will find happy again.
When I can love myself and take care of myself and put myself first then I will know love. I want to find love with another person so much but why I spontaneously choose to put another person who I do not know ahead of my desires without even establishing a good relationship, I know that is the problem.
I need God’s help with me not drinking and not using the “buzz” of someone’s attention as a way to not feel.