Am I ok alone?

In the last 3 months I’ve had more people ask me, have you thought of dating again?   See if you have been with me on this grief journey, I saw a really strange reaction from myself since John died.

  1.  He died= me shocked.
  2. Me shocked and realizing I’m a widow.
  3. Me realizing raising 3 kids is going to be hard.
  4. Me being in such mourning that I think my thinking was off and I thought about who will I date.  Odd to think about this now.
  5. just a few months later, I was chatting with a couple of males and I myself thought romantically about them.
  6. Sudden realization they are assholes.
  7. Lonliness
  8. alone
  9. a quick 3 month Match membership.
  10. booty call
  11. busy life, busy life….. great friendships…
  12. Realization that I’m ok.
  13. All of a sudden more people ask if I want to date.
  14. Me weighing more than any time of my life but not really feeling like changing that.
  15. Watching Whoopie Goldberg say, she does not want to get married, she wants to just be with herself.
  16. Me grinning.  Then someone asks me again, have I dated ?

So yesterday I was fine being by myself.  Then I have a dream of someone just hugging me and I could feel their sweat shirt in my hug.  I burrowed my nose into their neck corner and breathed in their scent.  For a dream, this was especially vivid.  I woke up and relished that feeling.  I do missing hugging.

I have a few people who hug me.  I mean I don’t really want to cuddle with a girl.   I have a guy friend who seriously hugs me and has held me. but he is married and well, it’s just not ok for me to ask for that.

So today, I wish I could snuggle and hug like crazy.  So I thought of all the other things that you forget.

like fartting.  I don’t want anyone to fart on me.  well, I guess it’s ok if I really know them.

ok but I don’t want to be fussed at.  I just want someone to really like me and I not ever be wrong and that I”m a dream to be around even if I”m not.

I don’t want someone to get on my nerves.  I don’t want to be mad about their mouth noises.  or smell or if they don’t do something I wanted them to do.

I don’t know what it’s like to date anymore. I don’t know the rules of dating and I don’t really want to.

When I tried the thing, a man that I talked to, seemed so nice, and we had several common things then…. he did not like my dry responses of humor and said that I was mean.  I’m not mean? what dude?

then one day he just did not reply and I was ok with this and so I did not pay 50 bucks to look at other single men and not really like anyone based on pics and strange bio’s.  I mean, how weird is that.

So if I do it again which I think might be the only way to date again, what would I say about myself.

Hi, I’m a mom of 3.

I like to watch TV shows and read.  I love music and occasionally like to go hear music but I also don’t like to be hot or too cold or too wet.  I”m 43, I’m done with that.

I love to camp, and have campfires.

I like to cook.  I love to travel.  I really like being with my girlfriends and laughing.  that is my most favorite thing to do.

Dear men,  I’d like to do something with someone nice.  I would like to go see waterfalls and views.  I would like to travel to places I’ve never been to and see stuff.

I would like to watch tv shows.  I will also sometimes go to the movies.

I would like to try new foods.  I would like to be treated like really well. I would like you to adore me a lot at first and then it can calm down.  I would like to have surprises a lot.  I would like to laugh loudly.  I would love to have someone make me laugh.  I would like your ideas to sometimes be better than mine but I want to come to that conclusion.

I’d love for someone to do something for me that I hate to do.  like get my oil changed.  go get groceries.

I would like to nurture someone that is male and hug them.  I’d love to make them laugh and also make them yummy stuff and watch them enjoy it.

but I don’t want to fight.  I don’t want to hurt your feelings or hurt mine.

crap, someone sent me a pic of a winter walk and frozen water and that’s what I wanted to see today.  but with someone to admire it with me.  then they send the pic and it’s what I literally just wrote about.  yeah, I like that.

so now because I wrote all that I feel sad.  it’s winter and cold and I think I like winter.  and I wish I had someone to bring me a beer or glass of wine and make me dinner.  then watch a movie.  or meet some other couple to have dinner and we all laugh.  that would be nice.

fuck now I’m sad.