Well, that’s kinda wrong already. I took Will to camp for 2 weeks and well that has been a bit stressful but they report he is ok. I feel like I trust them. 🙂 I hope he is ok, I hope he laughs and does things he never has done. I hope he is a boy. I hope a guy pays attention to him. I hope he feels a hole filling. spirit entering the soul.
Kaegan had band camp and really enjoyed herself.
anna and I well…. we kinda took everyone everywhere, I read a lot, wrote a lot for grad school. Anna was bored some. so i went out an bought her some new stuff. Like she really needed that but as I unwind into this new life, I’m sure things will get easier. This week was trying to do something with the house. I’m happy to report that I did make some progress.
it was quiet.
a friend that had kinda been MIA popped up, I decided to just take it as it was and just hang. I gave him a present that I had ordered to help him with his healing. He cried. we enjoyed a breakfast with Anna and then he kinda crashed so we went home . I invited him to come to kaegan’s concert. He seemed game and happy to go. later I regretted asking him. I think I want Kaegan to feel like she has a crowd to watch her. I thought she would feel special if he watched her. she kinda rolled her eyes at me. I wish i was like her more. long story short he bailed on us literally a half hour before. I was crushed. we enjoyed the concert, Always Anna and I together. We are the crowd. i was so mad at my friend. I don’t like to be let down but don’t do it to my kids. Kaegan said she did not think he would come. I tried to think about if it was because it was him – what if it had been another one of my friends? Well actually I have invited some of my friends but I kinda don’t want to make them do this. but i wish they would. I wish one of my friends knew how hard it is to be alone in the crowd. My family did come up to her band concert but not the choir or soccer games.
but it’s just going to be like this. this is what life is going to be like.
Just the kids and I. sometimes it really sucks. Like thurs it really sucked. i cried all day. friday i woke talked to my friend that then later let me down. I decided to walk. ouch. back not likey. sign……
someone said, i’m worried about you not having your work support. well. ummm guess what. that support was just for a few minutes. I got several hugs but besides that. my support is gone. I’ve learned that I have to put myself first. that’s all that matters and I mean myself and kids.
When I do, then goodness does come. quietly, but it slowly circles us. I was reading about the Holy Spriit and it being goodness. I thought, wow. that’s what I have been feeling since John died. I have felt the Holy Spirit. It seems strange for me to say this and even blog about this but lately I’ve been thinking bout this. I tried to tell another friend about it this morning but I”m not sure he bought it.
but lately, I like that Holy Spirit. I want to be with it more. My time comes when goodness is flowing. Or following a job all the way through. keep going. put the clothes away. waaaaahahhhhh you feel good because your room feels good. go ahead, vacuum and mop. it will look and smell good. Go ahead and read that chapter and take your time. highlight, think and reflect. goodness.
Go to church. wait what did I type??? what? yep. i wrote that. this church i’m going to, had people that are nice.
we went to bible school training for kaegan and I met another nice lady that goes to our church and a cute kid. Kaegan and Anna start Bible school next week. I’m excited because they are excited. goodness.
i’m going to wild goose. I have curiosity. I hope it’s going to be good. I hope I don’t get disappointed. I wanted to go and well. I got a go for it. We just have to pick up Will in the middle of it. I think though, because this is about goodness then surely I can’t get hurt.
church today felt so good. I prayed. I prayed for others. I prayed. I loved the sermon of Jesus asking me .. .what can I do for you?
Jesus, what you could do for me would be to help me not feel so broken. Jesus, I’m so tired of being so damn lonely. I thought what would Jesus do for me. Part of me thought that he would say, if you trust me and listen to me, you will not have that. I wonder though…. I have to say that when I met John, he was so nice and no games were played. we were ourselves and we were kind to one another.
toward the end.. yeah, we forgot but i miss him anyway.
Jesus, you could hold me. You could make me not ache for a male to hold me to make me feel loved. Jesus you could give me a friend that shows up and loves me and my kids often.
oh crap now i’m crying.
I’m trying Jesus. I”m trying more. i’m doing a bit better. Did you know that if you buy yourself some clothes and get your feet rubbed and toes painted. it makes you shave your legs? Did you know if you shave your legs you put lotion on. Lotion makes you smell nice. If you feel better then you want to take a walk. if you walk you celebrate that you walk and you drink some water. see goodness =more goodness.
Kaegan is talking to me more, she laughs more. she is happier.
Anna and I giggle more together. She is going to remember one strong momma.
Will is going to remember camp.
We will talk still about John and laugh. We miss you John so much but thanks for sending Jesus to bring me some goodness.