As time goes by and I am more and more clearer in the head, I have more time of not drinking and I also accept that I cannot drink, I think about why I continue to not weaken and have a beverage that I used to have every single day/night.
Just the other day, the weather turned warm and driving home that afternoon the sky was blue, my sunroof was open, and as I was enjoying the moment, a thought slipped in. yummm. a beverage. A beverage to enjoy looking at the sky. A beverage that I might have had to stop for. I would have poured the beverage and I would have sat outside and drank it. On days that it was the middle of the week, I might have not have drank it so fast. on the weekends, I would have sucked it down.
I may have had food in my belly but the last year, not much sometimes. So by the fourth glass, my buzz had been achieved and I was humming along with my relaxation. Most would have stopped but at this point, is when the problem started to become out of control. I would have not thought, I. need to not have more. I would lose that ability to stop. I would keep drinking.
sometimes I might just eat a bunch
or fall asleep
I found out that I texted people that I don’t remember
that I called people and sometimes talked but then I did not remember the conversation.
I did at times, get upset with people on the phone and get mad and say things I should not have said. To my mom, my brother, a boyfriend, a good friend.
I would spill wine on the side table and then use towels to soak it up. Then I would have to wash the towels and spray them with wine stain remover.
I would have wine bottle trash on the side table.
my recycling can was full, I had a cork collection.
I spent at least 60 bucks on wine a week.
That is $240 bucks a month and 2,880 a year. The thing is..
I think I spent more than that.
I’m sure it was at least 3,000 a year on wine. So maybe in the 10 years that I have been drinking…. this much…. I have spent 30,000 on wine.
that’s what I don’t remember.
I could have gone on more vacations. I could have had more stuff. I could have done some cool things but I drank it up.
I just want to sit with that.