I’ve said it on Facebook and I might still. 7 months. Everyone thinks it’s getting easier. I want to punch them. it’s not. I don’t know what it is, I don’t cry everyday from the shock or PTSD of watching it happen anymore. but
My best friend came to visit with her kids, we got busy, we played, I totally forgot what day it was, we talked about him so much. It was great, we drank, ate, laughed, yelled. it’s like being with family with her and the kids. I love them so much. Thank you Amy. She is the only friend that comes to see us. Everyone says they are coming but they don’t. some we have missed due to weather or whatever but really no one comes. I have some good friends here but man is it quiet.
I talked this weekend with a man who is a single father, our kids go to school together and he just let me ask questions. We talked about dating, not he and I. He just brought it up and asked me about it. I shared with him about my close encounter with a male friend that did not go well. It was nice he gave me good feedback and we bashed this other man. He gave me good dating advice and I shared later with my mom. I just don’t know what to think about it. and it makes me mad at John that i have to deal with this.
I’m so fucking lonely. I have 3 kids running around but everyone kinda is happy with neighborhood friends. I really should be walking to help pass time and to get healthy. Instead i’m staring.
So 7 months and staring. laughing, talking, eating, playing, taking pictures.
anyway today Amy and I got on the carport and looked around. We stared at the mess. I picked up a few things and we got out John’s truck carrier thingy. I opened it and pulled out all the tools. I have no idea what the name of them are. Amy even knew some, rachet. We loaded up the truck tool keeper, found the key and crossed our fingers her hubby would know how to fix the lock. Yeah it’s off my carport and I feel good about it going to Jeremy.
I am giving John’s beer making stuff to a friends husband who is a science teacher and he is quitting teaching. John would have so been cheering him on. I”m excited for them. I can’t wait till they brew. I’m sad too to watch this move on but glad to make someone happy. John would be high giving me from wherever he is (heaven). 🙂
The only thing that feels good right now in life is goodness. I love goodness. I love giving and I love passing it on. Life is short make the most of it.
I”m watching Mad men and that is getting me through nights right now. I started a book it’s ok. I start classes back in a week. I’m excited.
my kids are doing ok. we are making it. 7 months without you John. I miss you so much. I know you loved us so much and everyday I ache for you in not being able to love our children like you would want to. If I did not have them, I would give it up. but I am promising us that they are going to be ok and we will keep on going.