I forgot to say 7 months

I’ve said it on Facebook and I might still. 7 months.  Everyone thinks it’s getting easier.  I want to punch them.  it’s not.  I don’t know what it is, I don’t cry everyday from the shock or PTSD of watching it happen anymore.  but 

My best friend came to visit with her kids, we got busy, we played, I totally forgot what day it was, we talked about him so much.  It was great, we drank, ate, laughed, yelled.  it’s like being with family with her and the kids.  I love them so much.   Thank you Amy.  She is the only friend that comes to see us.  Everyone says they are coming but they don’t.  some we have missed due to weather or whatever but really no one comes.  I have some good friends here but man is it quiet.  

I talked this weekend with a man who is a single father, our kids go to school together and he just let me ask questions.  We talked about dating, not he and I.  He just brought it up and asked me about it.  I shared with him about my close encounter with a male friend that did not go well.  It was nice he gave me good feedback and we bashed this other man.  He gave me good dating advice and I shared later with my mom.  I just don’t know what to think about it.  and it makes me mad at John that i have to deal with this.  

I’m so fucking lonely.  I have 3 kids running around but everyone kinda is happy with neighborhood friends.  I really should be walking to help pass time and to get healthy.  Instead i’m staring. 

So 7 months and staring.  laughing, talking, eating, playing, taking pictures.  

anyway today Amy and I got on the carport and looked around.  We stared at the mess.  I picked up a few things and we got out John’s truck carrier thingy.  I opened it and pulled out all the tools.  I have no idea what the name of them are.  Amy even knew some, rachet.  We loaded up the truck tool keeper, found the key and crossed our fingers her hubby would know how to fix the lock.  Yeah it’s off my carport and I feel good about it going to Jeremy.  

I am giving John’s beer making stuff to a friends husband who is a science teacher and he is quitting teaching.  John would have so been cheering him on. I”m excited for them.  I can’t wait till they brew.   I’m sad too to watch this move on but glad to make someone happy.  John would be high giving me from wherever he is (heaven).  🙂

The only thing that feels good right now in life is goodness.  I love goodness.  I love giving and I love passing it on.  Life is short make the most of it.  

take pictures.  

I”m watching Mad men and that is getting me through nights right now.  I started a book it’s ok.  I start classes back in a week.  I’m excited.  

my kids are doing ok.  we are making it.  7 months without you John.  I miss you so much.  I know you loved us so much and everyday I ache for you in not being able to love our children like you would want to. If I did not have them, I would give it up.  but I am promising us that they are going to be ok and we will keep on going.  

wonder

I wonder when things will not be, “my husband just died”.

it’s how I think.

soccer game tournament, pick up child, rush home, errands, have to take youngest child who wants to play with friends, while other child stays home.  get to game.  rush to field.  “mam, it’s 5 dollars.”  I don’t have my purse.  they stare at me.  I go back to car with Anna to get $ which I do have at this time in my purse.  I come back, pay.  I say, hey i’m a widow and single mom.  and I stomp off.  I feel bad. I should not have said that. I was mad. 

After the game, all the families were going to go go a restaurant.  Oh no I thought.  I don’t want to pay to go out to eat. I have to watch money.  will is at home, anna wants to play.  Kaegan wants to go to the restarunt.  I can’t do it all.  This morning she told me she signed up for cross country in the fall.  I was like hey, I have to be able to take Anna and Will places they need to do something.  

today I was stopped in front of my road with blinker on, I think but I could be wrong I heard it ticking though, a crazy person beeped at me and went around me and gave me the bird as I waited to cross the highway.  really person?  really?  oh they were mad, I thought they might even turn around and come get me.  I stood in my yard halfway waiting for this angry crazy person to come up.  and you know what I would say.  Hey – my husband died.

This week or the weekend, no one has called. I got a card from my aunt.  My bff sent me a text that counted down the days till I see her.  yeah.  my house is just here.  I have to make myself do stuff.  I don’t want to be around work people that are not supportive.  I don’t want to go there.  I’m stalling now. 

This life is hard.  this life is very hard.  I keep hoping that loneliness will empower me and so far it seems to sink me into a hole.  

Being a momma was all I ever dreamed of, being a momma was success to me.  Loving children was all I knew.  Then they came out of me and a love like I can’t describe happens and to watch them grow and hurt and I can’t do any thing about it.  

I keep waiting for it to get better, so I won’t have to say.but my husband died.  It’s almost 7 months and I want to scream.  no no no.  please don’t let this be our life.  please let my kids have their dad back.  They miss him so much.  They need his arms.  I need his arms.  I need my best friend back. 

What in the world can turn this around.  because living with grief every second, minute, hour, day, week, month is just exhausting.  

 

 

Jesus and Chickens strikes again

Well

It was mentioned again.  Thank God, it was not to me.  It was to my mom.  

Apparently my mother in law has been making “calls” to family members just not to us.  She even tells everyone she calls us but… I can’t find it. Love caller id and such cause guess what Mary, it aint there.  

Anyway my mom told me Mary had called a few weeks ago.  She said she was asking about the kids.  As time goes by I keep finding out more about what was said.  

Then on Sunday my brother mentions that Mary called him.  WHAT?

“oh yeah, she called to tell me that she is going to Israel and she has established Trusts for the kids and she was telling Sean. “

What???  why would she tell my brother?

wait.  we did not even know she was going to Israel.  She never told us.  But she tells my family.  

Anyway I calmed down some and actually wrote her an email telling her about the band concert and rescheduling it.  I shared our summer plans and camp stuff.  She replied that it sounded like we were going to have a good summer, that she would like the see the kids.  Never a word about Israel.

but the best part was what my mom told me.

Apparently when discussing the band concert with Mary, she told my mom she had to get back for the chickens and prissy (the ugly dog that barks all the time).  Later Mom asked her who was taking care of them when she went to Israel?  WAY TO GO MOM!  

yeah… seriously Mary,  who is taking care of the Chickens and the dog?  Did you let my brother know about that?  

  (prayer to John)  John- listen up, I am really trying not to strangle your momma.  I’m glad you are not here to have to deal with her in the future because dealing with her and I really got you upset.  but John.  your momma is so freaking crazy.  

 

 

 

 

15 more work days

15 more work days till I’m done.  wow.  I’ve been working since…. well college.  I’ve had summers off before but this will be different.  Except I’ll be taking 2 classes and still a single momma.  one thing that will be different is that I will be more alone.  I”m alone a lot already but this will be more alone.  I’m sure I”ll talk and see people but it’s the day to day and getting into that is the hour by hour.  Recently I reached out to a blogger/author and fellow widower.  I asked this Dad of 3 girls about how to get through the holidays especially for me Father’s day coming up.  I don’t want to deal with it but I’m going to have to.  He traveled a lot and stayed/stays busy.  He said he does not like to be alone and so he stays really busy.  I know I need to go more.  

I need to bike more with kids

fish

walk

hike

ask people if they want to do these things with me.  also.  I don’t have to do it alone.

I just need to get out of my bed.  

It’s like I get going and do some things like flowers and yard stuff and then I fall back down.  Today though I’m going to therapy and meeting a lady from the church to just have coffee.  I need to do stuff when I get home like bills and homework and laundry.  I need to keep moving.  I look at my new friends blog and book and pics and he is making memories with his girls.  They act silly and they are making the best of it.  I think I do this to an extent and everyone would say, give yourself a break ash, I know.  I just need to not act like a turtle as much as I do.  I guess though eventually I’ll break out of this whatever.  

I”m staring out of my window at my desk right now and I see my hammock right beside the rodedendren bush that has been in full bloom for almost 2 weeks.  It is so gorgeous.  I see my front yard living room I created.  My yard looks great.  I need to work on the carport and my roses are blooming.  I need some trellis or something.  I see a million projects for me to do but that’s when I get all sad because I don’t have help.  

15 more days of handling work stuff.  It will be so strange to walk away from what was my dream job.  It is.  I just can’t do it and kids and roller coaster that work is.  I have to let go of the roller coaster that it is, so that I can stabilize and be healthy.  I can’t handle teachers and drama.  I can’t handle people freaking out about change.  because then I do and I love change.  My plan B is continually getting better.  I got the Graduate assistant position and I got a $1000 scholarship too!  Yeah!  Now to finsih the incompletes so I can just do 2 classes this summer. I think I said that already.   

Ok so I”m off to process more with the world greatest therapist.

 

I was a bit of a spoiled brat mother

I would like to apologize to myself and my pretend world of readers that I acted like a spoiled brat yesterday.  but the truth is, I am. and I would like to blame this all on John.  

What a jerk he was to always make sure something nice was given to me every mother’s day.  Look at what it did to me.  I woke up not married anymore, missing him, and blamed it on my kids and family.  what a brat I am.  damn.  

good think I got jerk kids.  My oldest kid made me breakfast that John always made me, then she tried to make coffee.  She then rallied the gang and they paraded in with home made cards and school made stuff.  They did proceed to lie to me and say they picked up but really they did not.  I will post pics.  BUT.  because I am a spoiled brat, I threw a royal tantrum for my children and I drove myself out to get a vacuum cleaner.  I showed them.  I did not brush my teeth or put on deodorant.  I also got a new duvet and shams.   Not only that but I got a FABRIC SHOWER CURTAIN LINER.   Take that world.  This spoiled brat mom took care of business and got things I really wanted.  😦  

In one hour of leaving the children swept, wiped and picked up.  My son who never busts ass did.  He even mowed the front yard.  The youngest brat.  She just managed to pick up a few things, sing about it and stare at stuffed animals.  I finished cleaning, I cleaned my room and sprayed Rosemary spray everywhere.  It makes me feel better.  Pretty soon, the house smelled better, it looked better.  I watched a movie and settled down.  I cooked a nice dinner.  I made it through.  I still later blogged bitched but I just read it and felt like I needed to explain why I acted that way.  but with time, the day passed and I made it to today.  Thank GOD, I’m like a whole new woman now.  When asked how was my day, I said it was horrible, it sucked.  I feel better .  Guess what no one will ask tomorrow maybe.  So it’s over.  Now… for Father’s day, let’s see what kind of tantrum I throw then.  

p.s. my kids are not brats.  I was being sarcastic.  They are very special children who I love very much and we will get through this.  

Last Mother’s day an so on…

yep, i think this one was enough for me to call it quits.

the kids came in carrying cards they made.  I think Kaegan made her’s in the morning.  Will made me a paper coffee paper flower with his guidance counselor.  Anna did all the first grade class stuff like no body’s business.  My parents never thought or my bro or my friends thought to support my kids.  they gave me my shit and then layed around the house.  they told my brother they cleaned the house.  I took pics to show him they did not.  Finally after crying all morning about feeling so shitty I left to go buy myself a vacuum.  while I was gone the kids freaked out and cleaned the house.  it still was not great.  They did like the vacuum I got.  we all cleaned some more.  I made dinner.  I cleaned. it was really different.  I hate about everyone.  i’m mad at how everyone deserted my kids.  I count on no one.  no one but me.  so I guess new types of holidays and stuff for me.  

i hope everyone is happy .

 

 

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to all you momma’s and daddy’s.  I’m a momma and this day is hard.  Father’s day is next month and I might as well start taking my meds for that day now.  I got mother’s day presents for my mom and John’s mom.  yep even John’s mom.  She called and talked to Will and said thanks and she emailed me thanks.  yeah whatever.  I still though as a mom, could not let it not go without sending love.  I can’t imagine how hard it is to have lost both children and your spouse.  Especially losing your spouse and child within 6 months of each other.   Even though we are very different and she has not reached out to us that much, I know John would have wanted me to reach out.  I did.  

My mom- I feel really good that I got something there before the day.  she even said so.  double edged sword she uses sometimes.  but I did it.  

I have to say it out loud though. it’s 7:53 in the morning.  I’m going to go make my coffee now.  No John walking through with it.  No John making breakfast.  No John helping the kids get me something, no John spending too much money on something I did not want.  (I’m going to go put it on right now! )  🙂  Last mothers day I wanted to go to a baseball game and I got a beautiful hanging plant and scarf.  John and I went shopping together alone at bb barns.  He got me a beautiful hanging plant. I think I accidentally killed it a month later.  John always went out of his way.  He did this for me.  He truly loved me.  He treated me like a princess on these days.  He could be a butt head on the other days.  I told my beautiful hair dresser at my twice a year appt.  That I miss John being a butt head.  I can’t even believe I’m writing that.  The last couple of years esp last year had been so hard because of depression, our rockiness, his Dad dying, his job loss.  it had been rough.  I tried because I felt so bad for him but sometimes he just was a butt head.  Now that I don’t have him to literally be mad at or resentful of, I even miss him being a butt head.  If he could come back and be a butt head right now, I would be so happy.  I would tell him, I love him. I would say I”m sorry.  I would date him more.  I would do the little things for him because that I think is what keeps the fire alive.  One thing John and I had was our coffee.  We both felt like the first cup of coffee was sacred.  The first one up usually made the pot of coffee and then carried it to the other person.   Sometimes we drank the coffee together, sometimes separate.  but we both loved our first cup of coffee.  Even if we were fighting, we did not cross the coffee line.  that is what love or marriage is. BUT, IF IT WAS REALLY BAD.  then someone else did not get offered a cup or brought a cup.  It did happen a few times.  it was a message.  it was the shit was bad and real.  It happened probably maybe 8 times at the most, and I want to think it was less than that.  Over 15 years of coffee.  I love you John Parks, I love you because you loved me when I did not deserve to be loved, I learned what love is from you.  

sprinkles of hope

I am so afraid of hope.  but I’m not afraid of sprinkles .

sprinkles of hope does not seem like it would be taken away from me.  I think life for us is changing so fast because it did change so fast.  I’m creating our new life of happy.  but past dreams and hopes are not a choice anymore.

I’m afraid to hope because I’m afraid of losing happy

happy is family, friends and play.  I keep losing these things.

I lost John, I did not think it would have happened like this but it did.  

I thought though that everyone that gathered all around would stay they would help me get back up.  well.  they helped a bit, then a few others have stayed or have helped.  but it’s much smaller than I thought.

Hope was thinking I could depend upon friends.

Hope was not having to ask friends and family.  

It feels so dirty to have to ask for help.  I’m not good at it.  but anyway I have to talk about sprinkles of hope.

camp!  Yeah camp!  A person who in my past I did not like that much because i thought she was someone out to cause issues.  boy was I wrong.  I love it that my child was the one that led me to this friendship.  Our children formed a friendship which caused us to hang out. The more we hung out the more we liked each other.  long story short, this very nice woman found out about what happened, she happened to run into me at the camp expo, i was having trouble finding financial assistance for camps.  I was quitting work so I could be home with the kids but I still wanted them to have camp or some fun.  These woman moved some mountains but most of all she provided a cheerleader and resources and ideas.  She helped me look at ideas, she gave viewpoints about all of them.  She called people .  she just was a cheerleader.  wow. 

So Anna got into Drama camp for 2 weeks!  Yeah Anna!  It’s so perfect for her!  Then we are going to tour on Monday a place for Will to go for a week.  Yeah!  AND IT HAS BOYS AND MEN!  Kaegan has band camp and maybe an animal camp.  Yeah!

I also filled out application to go to a festival that is all spiritual and shit.  (note- that is mind boggling for many that know me)  

Kaegan is playing at the Leaf festival with a featured artist and we get to go.  Yeah!  

so sprinkles of hope are…

sunshine, school in completes being completed, grad school stuff, end of year school stuff, camps, festivals, out west, 

my carrots must be in front of me to move this mule.  strange rambling.