I”m on vacation and I’m having the strangest dreams.
Last night I dreamed of John, and it was so vivid. I was so happy to see him and I kept telling him, John are you alive? Are you really alive. He kinda seemed annoyed but he was. I just hugged him and hugged him.
In the dream he had to run an errand. I remember thinking, oh wow, I remember what that was like. He got back and in my dream I worried, I would never see him again because he had died. then he pulled up.
I was so happy he did an errand and I was so happy I could see him , again, I told him over and over.
I missed you so much John. I missed you. I just hugged and hugged him.
It seemed like the dream kept going on and in the dream, I would wake up and then go back to sleep and he would still be there. In the dream, it seemed like, I was not dreaming and I kept trying to believe that it was real.
We had a big house and it was messy, but he was there.
He had a truck, he was there.
I told him, he could have his jeep back. he was there.
It was the realest thing. In the dream I relaxed and believed he was back. I dreamed that him dying was just a bad dream and life was ok.
then I finally woke up, stumbled to the kitchen for coffee and sat down and begin to remember.
It’s so freaking painful. It’s like a year and 8 months laster and here I am in tears again. again.
and it was a dream that he was here again.
but I could see him and I felt him.
It’s been awhile since I posted. Things had gone south for a few weeks and then we changed up some anti depressants and Lexepro is a dream. but it seems like I don’t really feel though.
It seems like I just go and move. I did get really sick so that sucked. I”m still sick and that sucks on vacation but I think it’s gotten to the point that my life sucks still and I’m getting used to it that I don’t realized how much it sucks and how much it hurts.
and then I dream and this really makes me feel. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel like I remember what it is to love someone so much after so many years of marriage and children. that love hate husband wife relationship you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them. yep. I miss that so much.
in my dream, I saw him though and I told him. I told him, how much i Loved him and how much he meant to me and i just hugged him.
what really really gets me is that how much my kids miss him and I have to be here on earth and help them deal with that. I keep moving us forward and living life but it’s constantly with this void and love that we have for him.
my god John parks. I miss you so damn much.