dreams

I”m on vacation and I’m having the strangest dreams.

Last night I dreamed of John, and it was so vivid.  I was so happy to see him and I kept telling him, John are you alive?  Are you really alive.  He kinda seemed annoyed but he was.  I just hugged him and hugged him.

In the dream he had to run an errand.  I remember thinking, oh wow, I remember what that was like.  He got back and in my dream I worried, I would never see  him again because he had died. then he pulled up.

I was so happy he did an errand and I was so happy I could see him , again, I told him over and over.

I missed you so much John.  I missed you.  I just hugged and hugged him.

It seemed like the dream kept going on and in the dream, I would wake up and then go back to sleep and he would still be there.  In the dream, it seemed like, I was not dreaming and I kept trying to believe that it was real.

We had a big house and it was messy, but he was there.

He had a truck, he was there.

I told him, he could have his jeep back.  he was there.

It was the realest thing.  In the dream I relaxed and believed he was back.  I dreamed that him dying was just a bad dream and life was ok.

then I finally woke up, stumbled to the kitchen for coffee and sat down and begin to remember.

It’s so freaking painful.  It’s like a year and 8 months laster and here I am in tears again.  again.

and it was a dream that he was here again.

but I could see him and I felt him.

It’s been awhile since I posted. Things had  gone south for a few weeks and then we changed up some anti depressants and Lexepro is a dream.  but it seems like I don’t really feel though.

It seems like I just go and move.  I did get really sick so that sucked.  I”m still sick and that sucks on vacation but I think it’s gotten to the point that my life sucks still and I’m getting used to it that I don’t realized how much it sucks and how much it hurts.

and then I dream and this really makes me feel.  I feel sad.  I feel lonely.  I feel like I remember what it is to love someone so much after so many years of marriage and children.  that love hate husband wife relationship you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them.  yep.  I miss that so much.

in my dream, I saw him though and I told him.  I told him, how much i Loved him  and how much he meant to me and i just hugged him.

what really really gets me is that how much my kids miss him and I have to be here on earth and help them deal with that.  I keep moving us forward and living life but it’s constantly with this void and love that we have for him.

my god John parks.  I miss you so damn much.

grief and sickness

I’ve learned over the last year and a half that I don’t do well without human interaction. more importantly, adults.  more importantly, lots.

cue transition music of changing lfe again….. and enter….. surprise off guard… virus.

in form of snot.

snot hit me thurs night.  first a little bit of tickle in the throat.  then a sneeze attack.  I wondered then.

then some sniffing and by the next morning, full on sore throat and snot.

snot coughing.

lots of coughing and I want to add that I had just quite coughing from allergies maybe a mere 4 days before.

so snot coughing and yuck.  i mean motrin taking sore throat .

fri night, I did find that jim beam did help some in the form of diet coke with lime.  ahhhhh

but seriously that’s now…. 4 days of sick and feeling like doo doo.

I had meals to cook, shopping to do, relaxing to tend to.

so it’s been a lot of netflix and grilled cheese and ……. ramen noodles.

but I knew it would come up.  and it did.

yesterday.  because I read the words of someone else hurting and I hurt for them and with them and then I remembered my hurt. Joe Biden is hurting and I forget how much he knows hurt.  The more I read about that funny man, the more I like him.

He lost a wife and child and watched two boys heal.  and he survived and now he lost another son.  What he wrote about grief really resonated with me.  He just knew.  I admire him for sharing with others when they hurt and I admire him for pushing on and being so successful.

I have pushed on but the grief is still holding on.

Sat I took myself and Kaegan for a pedicure.  As the woman hacksawed her way around my feet, I thought about not taking care of myself.  I think she wondered too.  She looked at my youngest, she looked at my oldest and I saw her look for my ring.  she asked if I had more children, yes, a boy.

oh, you want to have more children?

so no my husband is dead.

eeerrrrkkkkkkkk

Then yesterday while in the store grabbing  more musinex and pain reliever….. aka white wine. I ran into one of kaegan’s friends parents, who have been quite nice to us.

hey!  how ya doing?

I never really answer in stores.

I’m great!  (oh really ashley?)

i mean i can barely talk, i have not showered in days, i’m shopping for wine and musinex.  my throat is so swollen.

The paused to chit and chat.  they complained.

they complained about working all the time.  I asked specific questions to relay I was really listening.  the answeres they gave just seemed.  not authentic.

well i’ve got to work for….. so and so (the child)

oh.

ok

and i just looked at them.  and it’s like I knew then, oh yeah it hits them.  damn, she does not have a husband or father to her 3 kids.

nothing seemed to help him as he tried to finish up the chit and chat.

yeah I gotta go,  my baby does not feel well.

yeah, i know, I”m here getting stuff too.

really he wanted to get away.

you see he told me about the fun time they had going out to dinner at a new place, the great beer they tried.  while they waited for their daughter.

I realized that, I don’t get to go out with my friends anymore.  I don’t get asked for dinner out. by myself.

recently a friend wanted to go out with the kids and I.  that was very sweet.  no one also says let’s all go out to eat.

then I pause and think, is this what this is, or maybe I”m just paranoid and being all grief sorry.

no, i’m no longer like the other parents.  I”m the single mom with 3 kids with age ranges that are hard to keep up with.

i don’t know and then a dream where John seems so real, so there doing what we do, park a camper and then I wake up and it’s back to reality.

i took the kids to school this morning, dosed up on so more drugs and laid there.  finally I made 3 eggs in a nest, like John taught me.  lots of salt to kill my throat pain.

grief. you find me again.