empty

so i’m going to have to just go through this.  I have to grieve.  I guess I’m embracing it.  Yesterday was a long and empty day.  I got up.  i drank coffee. In an effort to change mood, I went outside to drink coffee.  I see the awesome plants, I stare at the empty and weedy garden.  weeds and weeds. leaves…. I sit on my chair and stare.  I get up to piddle and I look back and just felt the empty.  He is gone.  There is a hole I feel right now.  It’s because we slowed down, school is out, vacation is over. real life of working on our new life is slow and tedious.  I feel it much more.

empty.  I miss him so much.  I am so mad at myself.  I say sorry to him all day.  I tell him i miss him.  I pray that I could just hear his voice say something back.  oh God, this is awful.  The kids walk up a lot on me crying and give me a curious stare.  I just say- I miss dad and it’s grief.  I label it and say it’s ok and keep crying. I see worry on their face?  I don’t force conversation about it.  

At night Anna has like a recap of our day and how it may or may not relate to Dad.  We finished the girls room.  IT looks great.  We have a few more detail things to do but overall- it’s like a new room.  We are on the hunt for affordable and matching comforters.  We will cute it all out.  So Anna says, “Daddy would have made these lofts.- anna

 no Anna, I don’t think Dad could have done this.  -me

“oh yes he would have -anna

I see the look in her eye of adoration and love for her dad, she adored him and her way is talking about what he would have done for them.  Yes, he would have made these and he would have liked it?  He would have loved them having the lofts and he would have talked and taught them as he went a long.  

At midnight I was still awake and went to stare at the kids hoping I would calm down.  I found Will awake still, so I made him go to bed.  He saw me crying and hugged me.  I crawled in his bed with him and just put my arms around him.  I miss having John beside me.  Although I have had Anna so much beside me, I just miss a person when you cry.  but that’s not good for Will.  So I ruffled his hair, told him I loved him so much and said goodnight.  I crawled in bed and fell asleep finally.

I woke up and just appreciated, I made it through another day and wondered what would today be like.  

it’s ok, I still have an uncle don.

So I gotta write about my adorable nephew, Conor.

Conor is 5- and he is a boy who says it like it is.  When he says No, he means it.

Last November after John died, Chriistie my super duper SIL got a chance to go see my bro who was in Utah on business.  My new motto is “Do it”.  So I pressed her to go and I arranged to go stay with my nephews with my parents.  Anyway I wanted to do Christmas pics with all the kids in jeans and white or Sean’s kids in denim and button downs.  ummm yeah.  Conor was not having that.

He freaked out on me.  He screamed.  “I DON’T WANT TO WEAR A HANDSOME SHIRT”  (but when you yell it make the r a w. ).   It was so funny.  and I laughed and that made him even madder.

Anway after I offered him all sorts of bribes (forget my early childhood degree and parenting classes I have taught on behavior).  I said fine.  He won.  so no pics of Conor. 

Anyway I wanted to give you a bit of an idea of him.

oh he is also a rule follower.  At the pool- if it’s adult swim- don’t even think if you are not an adult you can sit on the steps.  Officer Conor MAC will let you know that it’s illegal.  He even told a mom and grandma and adorable baby girl with floppy hat on that technically they were illegal.  This was while policing his cousin Anna who was enjoying a step in the pool. ummm no says Conor.

Anyway my oldest Kaegan was visiting with Sean and family.  I dropped her off on what would be 9 months without John.   She and I had time to just kinda check in.  She is just amazing.  She misses him but she keeps on keeping on.  So she gets to Greenville and apparently at the dinner table with about 8 people Conor decided to….. say……

“Your dad died.”- C

“yes he did”-K

“he went to heaven”- C

“yes he did”- K

“he rose and went up”- C  with hand gesture of rising.

“yeah”- K.

end of conversation.

Later that night, Sean called me to just give me heads up.  He said Kaegan did great and it kinda threw them all off.  

I thought about Conor and him saying this.  I wonder why?  I wonder how he thinks it through?

So a few days later I arrive to pick up my girl.  We all went to the pool (hence pool story).  

Conor rode in my jeep while the others took the golf cart.  To make it fun, Conor wanted to race them.  🙂

Anway while waiting for the LOSERS to get on the cart, Conor says….

“your husband died.”- C

“yes he did”- me

“it’s ok, I still have an uncle don”.  C

“oh ok.”  – me

that’s it.  Of course friends my mind spins 89 miles an hour analyzing this and wondering where he is with this.  I know in order to process something, especially kinda abstract like death, and not being able to say goodbye or whatever, he has to sort this out.  Children need to say it.  They need to say it different ways.  They need to hear others say it and absorb the knowledge and work it out.  This is what happens when children are playing with others but we all are so busy with out lives and doing stuff we don’t always listen.  (unless you are documenting cognitive and language examples)  (early childhood nerd speak).

Anway later I asked Christie about the conversations.  I found out that on John’s birthday, She and Sean brought it up and made a point to say Happy birthday to uncle John in heaven.  She said he had questions.  

Conor is my first kid to sort it out.  

Anna I think because she was with us and she watched us and she herself took in the news, then she saw John.  She demanded to see John.  I did not blame her.  She did really well in seeing him.  It was matter of fact as well.  I will never forget doing that with my girls.  

Anna went to the service, we played songs, we laughed, we cried.  people loved her and told her.  she got cards and presents.  she ate food that people brought.  she cried for him.

Anna does not have another dad.  but conor has an uncle don and that’s how he is working it out.  

grief with a five year old.  

 

 

 

I don’t even know where to begin

home from vacation

done with summer school.

start relaxing…..

CRASH

while having someone build some lofts I ran into emotional anxiety.  I don’t know if it was from someone staying at the house and me having to wait on them and help and such.  I don’t know if it was severe pms.  I don’t know.

I do know that by sunday I just laid in the bed. I cried a lot this week over stuff.  like buying lumber and being in lowes and not knowing stuff about construction.  I cried over missing him so much and him making me feel secure.  I cried over taking apart furniture that he had put together last.  

then I just laid there.

I took a nap.  i dreamed. I cried.

I finally said enough.

I put my clothes on, I had kaegan paint my toenails blue.  I headed out.

One of my new friends who I really really and really like, helped me brave a new crowd.  I was going to a cool thing.  I choose a bar seat.  I happened to sit beside a lovely lady who happened to know early childhood and peeps I know. I met another lady who had a heart in her glasses and writes a blog and notecards that say lovely off color things.  yum! 

So it’s like this speaking on a topic thing.  the first person got up and started.  it was a chaplin.

he talked about a family right after someone dies in a hospital and being there.

needless to say he also had some descriptions of what the person looks like when they die.  

I ummmmm i lost it.

i lost it bad.

like bolted.

ran

on a sidewalk against a wall and wailed. 

I let it out. 

I had been holding it in for a long long long time. and this opened my scab up.  

My friend followed me and held my hand.

How do I get to have in these moments of awful, these people that show up and stand with me when it hits.  I am so thankful.

I got to a table.

i drank tea.

we ordered food, she talked.

gosh i really liked her.

grief. never ends.  it just won’t stop.  it aches.  it aches all the time.  I have never ever in my life felt anything so intense.  I have felt and lived depression, I have feared for my children, I have felt joy beyond joy=children.  this grief is tough.  it sucks it all out of me and whips me around.  I can see myself changing into someone now that I don’t know.  I do know she is tough but she is transforming.  I lost myself too when John died.  I lost everything we were.  I lost my dreams.  I held tight to hold my children.  I”m holding tight to make life right for them.  I want to make life right for me but if I had to describe it, the floor is still not stable.  

I can be fine most of the time now but man, tonight sucked the spirit out and spit it and I stared.  but I”m still here.  I wanted to hear those stories so bad. I wanted to be with all these cool people.  I want to make life better.  I’m trying.

then the jeep broke down.

why?  

I do know that when God is strong, so so strong and in so many people and love is around then I can feel it.  it is amazing to be in a room with so many that share my interests and have a connection to God that is not about judging others.  it’s just amazing.  

the journey continues.