ouch

I”m back from the u.s. tour of the west.  wow it was amazing.  I came home though and had like  4 or 5 projects due and it was the last week of summer school.  I hit the keyboard hard.  I was busy taking Anna to camp, doing field work at my old work place.  I was busy. and then it was over.  just like that.  silence.

Kaegan is at my brothers house and so it’s just anna and will.  quiet.  Yesterday I made myself go out and get a few things.  one thing was fuel additive for the mower.  This will apparently help the mower not sputter. 

I also tried to fix my new fountain and that did not work.  the back deck was a mess and Will and I tried to clean it up.  I saw so many things that needed work.  I’m renting a man next week and I have pondered if I should do it but yesterday made me realize how much I did need it.  

I was so mad that I could not fix my fountain.  I was mad at the men at Ace hardware who looked at me like I should know stuff about pumps and just blew me off.  

I”m mad that I’m so lazy to go and pick up trash that falls off the deck.  I’m mad at blackberries and that I can’t get them and John is not here to get them and talk about blackberries. 

I looked at furniture and they charge for delivery.  They said I could pick it up.  I said “I don’t have a truck and I don’t have a husband”.  fuck that hurts.

I am so god damn lonely.  honestly I”m surprised I have not succumbed to picking up anyone to fill a void. 

I in this pain I can’t describe find a bit of strength in that now I have.  Nothing can scare me anymore. I’ve been living in somewhat of a hell for 9 months so .

I miss him.  I miss my person.  I miss my best friend, the father of our children.  I miss his voice.  I miss his strange burst of energy that usually involved something I could care less about but somehow I was glad he did it.  He would have cut down the rodedendren in the side yard.  He would have a garden.  He would have picked blackberries and had a path.  He would have cooked something good this summer.  He would have made our path different.  Oh god I miss him so much. I wish he could just hold me again.  I wish Anna could feel his arms again.  She wants to be held so much.  I wish he put his arm around Will and talk about all the things Will wants to talk about.  I wish he would smile at Kaegan and fuss at her too.  GOD DAMNit.

i fucking miss you john.  it so hurts.  like right now, if I allow myself to feel, it just opens up and goes wild.  I don’t know how I can live like this   I do it but today I actually woke up and said,  ok another day passed. 

What am I going to do for the anniversary?

What am I going to do for christmas again?

my stupid snot is back in my lungs.  it went away and now it’s back.  so I gag every morning.

if you were here right now you would be asleep in our bed.  You would sleep late.  then you would get up and have coffee.  you would stare.  You would watch the news.  I”m going to turn the cable off.  I already downsized the channels after you died.  no more 100 and 4 sports stations.  but now i’m going to turn it off.  you would be so mad.  you loved tv and computer games.  

a woodpecker just has been in the tree, if you had been awake you and I would have stared at it and I would have asked you bird questions.  

oh god I miss you.  I”m so sorry. 

have I forgotten yet?

tonight it’s quiet.

crickets are chirping.  I imagined me yelling out to John to say, come to bed.  and I paused.  it’s starting to fade .  it’s not so VIVIID  it’s more faint.  it’s hard to describe but I realized it. his voice in my mind seems fainter.  what he would do seems fainter.  slowly, bed linens have changed.  rugs, arrangements.  i’m changing things.  his things are now in smaller boxes.  still in the room but here.   one day they will leave but not yet.  it’s slowly changing into my room. i’m looking at furniture.  i’m thinking go feminine.  

i’m losing him.  it’s no so vivid.  and yet it does not cut me to the core everyday anymore.  I’m not a mess and my memory is getting better.  

I’m drinking less, I”m eating better.  I go out more.  i’m busy with our kids.  and he is fading.  I sat with his friends tonight and we laughed and laughed.  oh I missed him.  He would have loved this.  

I miss love and having a person.  but I’m getting used to my bed.  my stuff on my bed.  I’m slowly finding my way into me as momma of our family.  it’s so weird.  the jeep is good.  it fits us well.  i don’t forget like I am leaving someone behind.  

here is july and 9 months is rolling up.  wow.  just surreal.