No grief group for me

Well.  I guess I’m a bad kid finally.  My whole life I usually followed the rules.  (ok maybe not all the rules in college)  I’ve been a good momma, I know I have.  I’m a pretty good worker.  I could have been a better wife.  How am I at grief?  I think I am AWESOME!  I bet I am the best griever.  Apparently though, when doing intake to be a part of a grief group, don’t mention the real amount you drink.  Don’t be honest.  because….. then……. you are not allowed to go to grief group.  

I noticed in my first grief intake, my “grief lady, felt the need to impart wisdom to me” about how to get through this.  (I know she is married still). She suggest to me, (the mother of 3 children in 3 schools) that every morning I should get up and walk and then also when I get home, I should walk.  hmmmmm…… I wonder how I should do this?  Get up at the crack of dawn and go in the dark?  Should I get home and tell my kids to suck it up and pretend they are not hungry so I can walk?  WTF grief lady?  Anyway those are the thoughts I had in my head.  All I said to her was … “Do you have children?”  she said she did.  I think she has one.  I goggled her to see if she was really something.

You see my grief lady has her masters in social work and had been a grief person for awhile.  SHE also happens to be married to a Death Doctor.  I’m sorry, I mean a hospice doctor.  So guess what they talk about at dinner. She does have cute dogs, in which I did talk to her about her dogs…

Anyway.  I talked to my REAL awesome super duper therapist and told her about my 1st meeting.  I told her I did not want to work with grief lady.  She said ok.  We talked about how pushy grief lady was and so my therapist decided she would call.  She mentioned later that the grief lady had called and they did chat.  Never did she say she agreed with grief lady.  She shared with grief lady that we were working on some issues.  I had asked my therapist to not tell her all my stuff.  She mostly asked about what they offer at the “grief place” so she would know more.  I felt ok, and thought well I’ll finish up my intake and see if I’ll get into grief group.

well…. not so much.

We did a few more grief questions about support and she seemed really pleased with my support network.  we smiled and laughed…. then she said we needed to do a grogram of my family, she seemed very excited about this.  She wanted to know everyone’s name and ages.  I did not know all of my 15 uncles and aunts ages memorized.  She seemed a bit miffed.  oh well, we plugged along.  Finally everyone was in their circles and squares on a paper with lines of support drawn.  Yeah for those family members…..!!! (they got a line) because they call and shit.  Others that don’t call or write or just sit there.. guess what mutha fuc8uH(P*HHO&*rs, you don’t get a line.  whoops I’m sorry that just slipped out.  I think grief lady put me over today.  anger… stage.  (that’s me being sarcastic).  Anywhoooooo all of a sudden grief lady says, well … who in your family has issues.  I would like to say, my family really did not mis behave that much, we have a few glitches but honestly, according the questions, we looked like the best family ever.  I was feeling really good about the genetics.  Then we got to alcohol .   She wanted to know how much I drank.  Well… grief lady, I told you last time and well I’m trying to back off.  Well that was not good enough.  She decided she should tell me I better get a hold of myself or i”m going to die.  Ok so she did not say it like that but ..

What infuriated me was that she judged.

She jumped to conclusions.  She said, I could die by mixing my drugs and alcohol.  I kinda sat up.  WHAT?

I said, “what drugs?”

She rolled her eyes and reached for my paper.  I asked her, “did you just roll your eyes?”  She said no, she was reaching for my paper.  She then told me that I was taking Ativan and mixing that with alcohol could be VERY VERY DANGEROUS and that I could even die from it.  I then said. immmm I don’t mix them. She then said, you can’t mix zomig with alcohol .  immmmm yeah, I don’t mix those either.  I told her I was already working with my doctor who knew what medications I was on, and I also had a therapist.  She then said she wanted to do an alcohol intake on me.  I said no.  I did not want anymore of her having any information.  She then said well, maybe we should end then, I said yes.  She said when I was ready, or better yet, when my therapist said I was ready then I could come back.   She wished me a nice day, I wished her one as well.  We walked out, and she wished me a good day again.  (ha, she did it twice cause she was nervous. )  She treated me like I was a bad girl.  I am a bad bad girl.  

I walked out calmly, got in my car and drove away.  I called my WONDErFUL SUPER DUPER therapist and left a voice mail telling her about my lovely intake that went wrong, realllllly really wrong.  Then I drove.  

As I drove I thought of the other things she said to me.  

She mentioned that I was headed down a road that was dangerous.  She said I could lose my children with my choices.  (I never ever told her anything except what I drank normally)  that’s all.  She said I might drink and drive.  She said I could lose my children.  

Why in the world would you say that to a widow that has 3 children, who is in grief, who is working, who watched their husband die, who is dealing with so much shit.  I said I drank wine at night and yes sometimes I have drank a bottle.  Suddenly with this information she decided that I was going to die or tell me I would lose my children.  

I drove.

you stupid bitch grief lady.  

As I drove, I turned red.  probably my blood pressure.  but since I don’t take my blood pressure medicine then that’s why.  My mom likes to tell me I better take care of myself or I’m going to have a stroke and then someone will have to wipe my behind.  Gosh I really love to be given the visuals.  Anyway.  I felt like shit.  wow.  I just got kicked out of the grief club.  wait.  no I was not excepted into the grief club because I drink wine at night.  If I had lied and said oh yeah I occasionally drink a glass or two then I would be in the club.  I was honest and therefore, I don’t  get support.  Does this not seem strange.  I am trying to find support for myself and I”m not ok for them.  She had her reasons. I hear her.  Or as I said, I hear what you are saying but I’m not in agreement.  

She did not like me.  She was very disappointed in me, I could read her body language, I could tell by the way she looked at me with her eyes.  I could tell how she wished me a good day twice accidentally.  

I drove

I thought , you know what bitch grief lady, I don’t need to drink.  I don’t.  it helps relax me.  i fall asleep without laying there staring and worrying and thinking about him on that gurney.  I don’t think about them pumping his chest.  I don’t think about him curled up on our bed begging me to take him to the ER, and I don’t feel the guilt I feel for not getting him there sooner.  I don’t think about Kaegan screaming and I could not stop her.  I had my arms around my other two children holding them.  

I drink wine.  I don’t drink bourbon anymore.  and I do like beer.

Am I going to be ok soon.  yes.  would I like support, yes.

but if I have to be around her and her judgement on how I should grieve then no thank you.

I think I’ll sip my glass of wine, walk when I can, and one day I’m going to fall asleep without wine.  one day I won’t think about having support.  

grief bitch lady,  I guess you did make me mad enough to empower my self again.  I will make a difference for someone else.  I will complain about you.  I will talk about how you pointed your finger at me.  How you rolled your eyes, how you told me I was going to die or lose my children.  I will complain.  We grief people don’t need your non grief knowing self to tell us what is best.  

I guess I’m not reading my daily bible verse and i’m drinking wine and i curse.  great just great, BUT I THINK I’M THE BEST GRIEF GIRL EVER!  

ok i feel better for letting that out.  




4 comments on “No grief group for me

  1. Christine Pezzella says:

    Just ran across your blog and being a fairly recent widow myself, I took a look at this earliest one that appeared in the list of archived blogs. I also read a couple of the others. I don’t know if you will see this but just wanted to applaud you for doing the blog, especially with 3 kids! It’s hard enough to cope with your own grief, but you are also responsible for helping 3 others though their grief, in addition to having to take care of all the rest of the requirements of daily life. BIG job!!

    OMG! That Grief Lady was just over the top! It’s hard to believe someone who was supposed to help people with the “grief” process would actually think it was ok to talk to you like that. Wherever did she come from??

    I recently lost my husband suddenly in Nov. 2016. We’d been together for 15 years, and since he was 17 years older than I am, I always knew that “it” was going to happen at some point but it was shocking that his life ended from a fall in the kitchen one night. It is all so hard to bear, as you know. I don’t have children with him, but he was the only grandfather my 8 year old granddaughter knew, so I have to help her with her grief since he died.

    In addition, my stepchildren wanted to get all of their dad’s possessions out of the house so that they could divide it up. That was a big stress for me to go through everything of his life with me and pack it up….and starting within just a few days of the funeral. Except for a few pieces of furniture we bought while together and pictures of us, there is now really nothing of him or his life here anymore. I found that especially hard and it left me feeling more unattached and more alone than ever.

    In the first weeks I was having so much anxiety about how I would afford to keep everything going (that I had not been responsible for before his death, and being retired I was on a much reduced income). I asked my doctor for something to help with that and she refused, saying that it would interact with the pain meds I was on already. She didn’t want me to wake up dead myself one day. Gawd! So I toughed it out and slept (if that is what you would call it) with the light on for weeks….

    I don’t have all the answers certainly, but at this point, I don’t feel like going to a grief group. I can talk to anyone about my general life and what I am doing, but am just not up to sharing my thoughts about grief with others yet. I’ve noticed that talking to most people about your grief makes them really uncomfortable. In a grief group of course, they can all identify with what you are going through, but I don’t feel like I want to share yet. Friends, especially casual ones, have suggested I might be interested in a grief group, thinking it is the supportive thing to say…or that it might be “helpful”. I guess I am just a private person when it comes to this kind of thing. I don’t judge others who want to go and if it’s helpful to them, i think that’s great.

    Having your kids is a comfort, but it does make it a little hard to spend the time on yourself. But, I you can only hang in there and try not to stress about getting it all done…I know, that’s easier said than done!

    I will be back to read more of your blog…
    Best wishes,

    • mamparks says:

      Thanks for reading and letting me know. It’s good to have feedback,esp. when and if it helps any. I can’t believe his kids hauled off his stuff. I don’t see how that happened. You have all rights to stuff. I hope you stand up for yourself. you know I’m 3 yrs into this new life and I still get blown away at the loss and then some days I think, I’m ok. but it still just sucks. I slept a lot too. I stayed in the bed. Well, let me know when something resonates. Be well. Ash

  2. Christine Pezzella says:

    Hello again,
    The things that they took of my husbands were the things that he “came to the marriage with” and anything that we bought together while married were considered to be mine. But it was really the idea of purging his presence out of here that was upsetting. Anything that we actually bought while married stayed here, but his unique things that were here reminded me so much of him are gone. I’m doing a little redecorating here now, which is a productive thing and gives me something to do. 🙂

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