what i miss about john-

it’s a rainy march pi day.  and i miss john.  so i decided to think about why…

well it started with pintrest and pinning ideas to well, pass time…

and I saw a tuna sandwich.  yuck.

but it looked like a salmon patty.  and then i missed John.

John could make the best salmon patties.  I do not like ketchup but the only time I will eat ketchup is when I have a salmon patty.

When I was eating healthy, John baked them as opposed to frying them.  either way they were good and I have no idea of who he made them.

I also miss his onion rings.

and his french fries.

alot

I miss him being asleep on sat mornings like this when it’s raining and he slept in.  I would get up, get coffee and piddle on the computer,  talk to the kids.  and then I would sometimes crawl back in the bed to snuggle with him.  maybe bring him coffee.

I also miss staying in the bed with him in the mornings and surfing the web but he was right beside me.

I miss his skin.

I miss him hugging me.

grief finds me and i swear I almost strangle on the strength of emotions it evokes.  and I think…. how in the world did i make it through last year?

when grief finds you and pulls you down, you realize how bad you are hurting.  I’m actually trying to be really aware of it and if I need to be with grief, ok but it sucks.

I kinda don’t want to do my homework and I want to go to the movies with Anna and take her to see Cinderella.  i might do that.

oh wait.  let me remember this.

ashley- remember when you are missing John, do something with your kids because it makes it better.

I miss John being a dad.  i miss him loving anna

i miss him being Will’s dad, his guy.

i miss him guiding Kaegan through ideas and life.

i miss him liking his favorite song.

i miss him perking up for something that excited him.  beer, fish, computer game? funny fart stories.  our animals, plants, gardens.

I miss him gardening so much.

oh geez.

and… grief again….

i went out tonight.  on the town.  it was all good.  I was so ok with going out.

until

i forgot my pocket book at the house I had just left in the opposite direction from where I lived.

and

anna talked the whole time, intensly the whole way home in 5:00 traffic.

i was ready for wine.

so i got home.  peeed.  check in with kids.  put on lipstick and mascara and went on my way back to to the house where i left my bag.

i can’t believe I did that.  I tried some ideas of calling other people to see if they would get it for me but no go.

then i got downtown and I circled.  and I circled.  and I … circled.  and finally i found a spot.  and I paralled parked and I parealled parked and whew..  it was hard.

so then i walked and I walked.  and I walked in.  show ticket.  i’m in.  got hugs.

that is really nice.  i get hugs and celebration for seeing me.  (that is new).  (that you GCPW mommas)

so i talk some, the chit and the chat.  then i go get some 7 buck wine .  yikes.

try to surf into some conversation.  no go.

so move on.

listen to music… get hot.  alone  oh no.

so i move out to talk again.  and see friendly lady.  who was recently sick.

hey how ya doing ?  ( much more lovelier)  i am southern.

and she tells me about the flu.

then i ask about the shot.  (in asheville shots are controversial).

she says no.  first time ever she has had this.

then she talks about former minister that had flu and died in 2 days.

well ok

then she goes into detail of how shocking it was.

and how wow.

and sudden.

she got into details

but

the whole time i was thinking.  please.  stop.

please.

yep.

i know.

sudden illeness sucks

yep. death.

i know this.

please.

stop

but I did not.

I did not stop her.  I just listened, finally when she paused some.  .. i said, yeah I know.

I WANTED TO SHOUT.  YEAH I KNOW SO SHUT THE FUCK UP. NOW.  PLEASE STOP.

please.

i know it was awful i know.  i am sad for you.

she had a husband.

i don’t know if she had children.

i do.

a girl and a boy and a girl.

yep and we miss him.

i miss him.

yeah.  i hear you.  it sucks to be sick.

so i move on…

and i try to recover.

i feel so out of place.

not like everyone.

like stupid eyore.

listen to music, chat with new friends.  ( i like my new friends from church)  love them!

then i just want to go home .

so i leave.

i walk alone to the car. in the rain … in the dark and no one to walk me.  i’m ok.  i am mom, i am strong.  = don’t mess with me. i will hurt you.

i drive home.  text fellow widower and say.  i’m headed home.

home

put child to bed. hug another,  tuck another.

wine

facebook

now.

and my thoughts.

i’m ready to stop hurting all the time.  i’m so ready.  i’m ready to stop hurting all the freaking time.  please.

Goodnight Reily

So yesterday I went back to me.  I got my hair colored and trimmed and I”m back to my hair color.  what an expensive mistake.  but ok, I tried darker red and well… it was beautiful.  it was but not on my face.  When my hair was all blown out and made to look like a model, I clapped for joy when I saw myself in the mirror.  Yeah!!!!  Hi me!  I love you, i did not know I loved you, but I do and I missed you so.

I missed my hair color that has always been me.  I tried to change myself and it did not work out.  I wonder if I blogged about if you give a moose a muffin.  ??? hmmm?

Anyway while at the Reily’s 21 saloon, I learned about a book that the owner had written about the experience of losing her son to SIDS when he was 6 months old.  He was a twin to a girl  and he was a younger brother.  She had a copy of the book at the saloon and i read through it a bit.  I stopped because I knew I would order it.  It was so inspirational.  So scary.  This woman after 25 years finally put her journal into a book and she is helping others.  Her son’s name was Reily.  Hense the saloon name and saying good night to him in her prayers.  heart clinch

That is my dream.  I want to have a book.

I want to get my phd.  I want to be dr. parks. I want to know brene brown   I want to teach again. I want to have a natural playground.  I want to take this blog and make it a book.  I want to help other young widows.  I want my friend Todd to have a book and I want to keep moving forward.

Yesterday Kaegan’s first soccer game and she forgot her shin guards.  I was not mad at her at all.  I know her, she made a mistake. I do all the time.  I knew the team needed her to play because they are smaller.  So I grabbed Anna and Will and we took off.  I delivered her shin guards and she thanked me, she felt bad. it was ok.  I can do that.  that’s why i”m here.  The assistant coach was like. oh we told them to make sure they have everything.  like she was fussing at her.  I just looked at the woman and said, you know, Kaegan is amazing.  she made a mistake.  She does more than most kids and adults her age.  I did not like the stupid coach insinuating Kaegan was not responsible.  well, that coach was just trying to have small talk. oh well.  I was annoyed plus, she does not seem like she knows what to do with soccer and that annoyed me too.  she just stood around.. ok.  stop it me.

anyway .  that book was great.  i’m getting it.

and i’m loving spring break.

Spring Break

Well- it’s been a while.

Some yuck days and some awesome days and it’s not often now that I get to say awesome days but I did have some awesome days.  and still I want to write about grief.

year 2.

I have forgotten to be be still or say month whatever…. on the 24th.  I still hold the 24th tight to my heart as a significant number but slowly it does not kill me anymore.

So 16 months since I last saw him.  I think that is how long it was we dated and were in the middle of planning our wedding by the time we had been together that long.  16 years ago I was on spring break but I was engaged.  I was so happy.

Now, I drive the three children we created to school and we work through life issues.  This morning Will was woken by his sister to wake up and he still fell back asleep.  I told them that their daddy had to have 2 alarm clocks in his college apartment so that he would wake up.  One close to his bed and one further away so he had to walk to turn it off.  He still told me of a few times, he slept through the second alarm which was really loud and annoying.  I know, because it was our clock for forever.

So I drop my kids off and come home to a quite house.  I look around and I see fabric samples and rug samples for a new living room/family room i’m planning.  It’s going to have color and joy.  New pictures and paintings.  It will be our new family.  We will have John there but we need to not hurt in this room.  It was kinda his room.  Fish stuff up.  His chair.  We need it to became ours.

I ache so much still.  I just ache for him.  I ache to annoy him, I ache to hear him back me up.  I ache for him to hold our Son when he has a nightmare experience.  I just ache.  Tears come easy and I let them flow.  It does seem like the whole world moved on but me.  Everyone knows death eventually, sorrow, and love ending but only momma’s or daddy’s that lose the spouse and have young children will know my ache.  I’ve met some friends that have moved on…. and are dating and I have some friends that are appalled at dating.  I have read the words of others that seem really bad and others that have found joy in life again.  I think some days now, I know a bit of both and maybe that is just part of my journey?

I’m building a new community of friends and I can be supportive to them. I love meeting new friends that reach out and touch my arm.  They look in my eyes and say hello.  They smile at my children, they text me.  My new church has really brought happy back into my life.  I watched the girls participate yesterday in the church service.  Anna sang in the children’s choir. I love her in that choir robe.  Then she offered the invitation to peace.  Kaegan poured the baptismal water and later she prayed together with one of her new friends in confirmation class.  We all went to youth group and choir practice.  Then we went to the grocery store.  We had a full day.

Anna asked if Daddy ever went to our church and I say, yes he did and he liked it.  I was the one that did not.  but I had no idea.  I am so happy John had been there.  He would love it.

I miss you John.  I’m working on somethings that only you knew about and also that you did not know about. I”m tackling some big issues for me and I can feel myself adjust.  I’m stronger, I”m gentler, I’m so relaxed now.  You/his dying changed me and maybe it was for the better. You have to find the gifts in the loss.

I have a new picture on my desk of him.  He is barefooted which was rare, we were at the beach and he was with my then best friends husband, they were going fishing.  I must have waved and he looked back at me and waved. He had a fishing pole in his hand.  His ball cap and I know he was happy.  That’s how I think of him now.  I know he is happy and he fishes or watches over us.  I honestly feel like he is reaching me through goodness.

this grief stuff is so lonely and I’ve really sequestered myself away in febuary and hurt but by doing that, it made it worse.  I have to pull myself out to continue to move forward.  I though saying no to things would save me but instead it sunk me.  saying yes is lovely and it takes me one step closer to stringing more happy days together.