I lived a whole year as a widow.
as a single mom
as a mom and a dad.
2014 was a whole year of just me, and kids.
a year of literally putting one foot in front of the other. I can’t say I had resolutions last year, I was kinda in the fuck that mode, I just wanted to get through the day and night. I”m not sure I can even really make resolutions anymore. I’m proud to make it through a day, night, week, month.
14 months without John. I could have had a baby and the baby would have been 7 months old now.
Our children all turned ages,
Kaegan keeps getting more beautiful, a bit more attitude but still so lovely and kind.
Will is slowly getting taller even though he wants to be even taller but having some “fashion” has helped boost some self esteem. He he he.
Anna, has gotten taller, bigger but still so joyful and full of life.
I”ve gotten bigger because I”ve sat a lot and ate whatever I wanted. period.
so it’s getting a bit more harder to move and reach and I stay hot and I’m having trouble with my socks and shoes. so yeah, I gotta walk. and have more salad and water. I’m not getting a fit bit. I’m not joining a gym.
2015 will be my 2nd year. I will graduate with a master’s. I might enter a doctoral program? I might land a new job? I might get healthy? (wait. I am going to get healthier)
I will camp this year more. I will make more new friends. I will participate with life more. for me. not just kids.
I might share this blog with more people?
If I do, I know at times I’ve ranted and there are some personal remarks about some specific people. I might have to tweak that post or two.
I guess people will see grief
this blog was for me. for me to vent and be safe. but I discovered a dark loneliness that made me realize that I have to help others if that’s all there is left to do.
I still wonder why my best friend left me to wonder?
I still wonder why my parents and family did not call my children more?
I still wonder why my mom in law is ok with not seeing her grandchildren and instead holding a grudge against me is more powerful?
I wonder why no one called me on Christmas? I promise myself that If I know someone is alone, I won’t let them be. I will call them at least.
My mom was sad to leave me the other day, she asked if I would be ok. I turned to her and said, mom, i’m going to be ok. later I thought, I wonder why she thought that? I survived the winter of long darkness, with no phone calls, I survived spring coming and seeing all the new jobs of yard work we would need to do. I survived soccer games and 3 school drop off’s in the morning. I survived silly work stuff and left that behind. I survived 5 classes with good grades. I survived a research class with no instruction. I survived denial. I survived being without help. I drove to the grocery store probably 200 times. I did everything that John used to help me with. I will be ok, but I am going to say/write this.
I am hurt for being left behind.