winter is kicking my soul’s ass

wow.  2nd winter without John.

new life and new ways.  I feel like we are slowly moving towards being Ashley and the kids and not John, Ashley and kids.

it sucks.

I’ve been missing John lately.  I miss his body to snuggle with.  I miss him like a wife, meaning, I knew him so well and I took care of him. I miss his eternal zit on his left shoulder blade

I miss him telling me poop stories.  i miss cooking for him.  I miss him cooking for me.  I miss fussing at him. I miss being hugged.  I miss his jeans.  I miss his cute butt in his green under ware with dark socks getting ready in the morning.  I miss him loving our kids.

I don’t know how to be right anymore in this world.  I feel really lost and see my kids but damn, this winter is killing me off slowly.

When at my brother’s house, they have a pic of John and I dancing at their wedding and it was nice to see.  I remember that moment and laughing with my cousins and John.  We were trying to have fun and be crazy.  I miss John.

I miss agreeing politically with him.  I miss his open mind, and kindness.  I miss that he was as liberal as I.  He could get more worked up about stuff and he would write things and get in fights on yahoo news.  I kinda thought he was silly about that.  but he was mad about things people would say and I’m glad he was.

I just wish I could have a day with him.  I wish I could sit on the couch with him and just hug.  I wish he could tell me what to do about everything and tell me how much he loved me.

He loved me no matter what.  it was so pure and real.  He loved me no matter what, no matter what weight I was, how short or long my hair was, if I wore make up or not.  He loved me as his best friend.  He yelled  at me and he was there for me.  I miss him so much.

I just wanted to write all this.  i hate you winter.

dear………

Dear………….

this winter has been yuck.  in the past we had kinda always had a trip to see one another.  it helped us pass the winter and man, i loved coming to your house and watching our kids play.

no more.

i know I moved further away but it also seems to have been when you decided, you did not want to be close anymore.

I kinda was left out of that decision,   I would have come to see you.  I continued to call and then one day, I realized umm wait, she does not call me.

you used to tell me everything, we talked about fashion, houses, kids, curriculum, stupid shit, real shit.  you were my best friend.  I loved you so much.  i still love you.

when John died, i reached out and you answered.  you called, but… not like my new friends. and then you drifted back to your new space and here I was again, more alone.

I still miss you and I miss John.

I kinda lost you both at the same time and it blows.

it’s winter and no one calls me and checks on me.  no one calls my kids.

I have my kids pretty protected and they don’t feel the bumps I Do.  they feel their own bumps.

you used to be an aunt to them.  I was aunt to yours.  it was cool.  sometimes I just want to be able to call you and be like we were and hear your voice and find comfort in that you are my best friend.  I don’t have you.  I miss you.  I miss your wicked humor, your confidence, your brain, your smile.  i miss your cooking too.

when I had you, you were an amazing best friend.  the best.

I miss you in a selfish reason way.  I wish you could tell me John stories.  I wish you could ask me for real, are you ok?  but I don’t have that.

i hope that you don’t have lose someone you fell in love with anytime soon.  i miss you and i love you still.

love

ash