lucky 13

13 months today. 3 days till Thanksgiving. I am in a new space, my brain is cleaner/clearer. I have hope. My (our) children are thriving. I can make it days without crying. I laugh so often again. I’m going out with friends, new milestones of life are happening and it’s me witnessing them. Anger is leaving that was really deep hurt. I’m so thankful for my blessings that came with our loss. I still constantly question my open personality and yet, living fully seems to be the way to living life. My contribution to the being thankful movement. 

and then a flood of likes and comments came up.  I teared up feeling the love through silly Facebook.  but honestly Facebook has been a place that I communicated fast and easy as well as I have rested in reading about others and others could watch over me.

Gobble gobble.

wow so much still changing.   a few more days and we will head to Virginia to spend a big ol thanksgiving with family.  I am so excited!  My brother and family also in the house at mom and dad’s (just John missing) and then My uncle’s kids are coming and they have new babies.  2 new baby girls!  I’m so excited.  So excited to see family I have not seen in so long and excited to meet new darlings.  We have started new healthy traditions such as the family running the turkey trot together.  I’m not running it due to my back, but I’ll be cheering and watching children.  Just excited to be with family.  I’ll be making a dessert and just laughing.  oh i’m so looking forward to laughing.

This past month, I have been doing a lot more as far as socially.  I’m going out.  All sorts of places and reasons.  Dinner, Dinner out, church, school events, my school.  Just spending time with new friends and old friends.  I can see my heart that has been cracked filling in with the love of friendship.  Some times I go alone, sometimes I take kids.  Having a weekend alone and doing something for myself was really helpful.  Making new goals that will fill my soul and allow me to take care of my babes.  It’s all for them.

This week for them, I turned off cable.  Yikes.  ouch.  but you know what. … friday night I felt almost a sigh of relief.  I wonder what will happen when it snows but I have internet and netflix and music and books.  that makes me happy.  I can help continue to weed out negative (news) and just nourish.  This journey of healing is quite amazing.  I love nourishing my should.  Lots more to do but wow.

I worked with a coach this week and He asked a lot of questions and one that hit me hard though, was answering what’s missing.  I knew what it is but I’m trying to live without it.  It’s that sweet love.  I have lovely love from my darlings, family and friends but sweet love.

I have hope though, I have hope by seeing twinkles in other people’s eyes and hearing other love stories.  I have hope that it’s not over but thinking about what if it is.  I try to be thankful for having a sweet love and having 3 beautiful children  and a lovely family.  I love Asheville and being here.  This town is so soulful for me.  gobble gobble.

a 14 year old and the rest of my life

today my 13 year old turned 14.  Today was ok.  nothing hurt.

We slept in a bit, piddled, we were lazy.  We had big slumber party on friday night with trick or treating, candy, food, camper, snow, house. ummm wait.  snow…. yep, we had snow which caused 6 girls to go inside because it got too cold and the heat would not work and so they piled into 2 beds.  too cute.

Kae was so happy.  I got cute pics of the 6 of them in the snow in all sorts of gear.  I was proud of them, for trick or treating in the rain, piling in a cold camper trying to have a camp out and then coming in due to cold and SNOW.  hilarious.

today we went to Olive Garden for dinner and birthday and brought her bff Hailey who has been like family with us.  It was nice. Kae seemed happy.  14.

Tomorrow will mark year since his service.

Today marked for me a day of not hurting

I told my mom, when today ends I can breathe again.  I know I can get through thanksgiving.  I know I can get through christmas.

I know that this is my life now. it’s hard.  it’s really hard but this is how it is.

this weekend I decided I have to keep going, I have to make fun.  So i emailed my besties and said, I need to go out.  We have a plan.  I have a plan for every weekend now in NOv.  I”m sure I”ll get some more things in Dec.

next weekend I am going to be alone.  the kids don’t want to go to grief camp but i’m making them.  I need some time alone.  I need them to hear things.  I need them to experience good stuff without me and deal maybe with some things.  we shall see.  I’m kinda learning through them, of how children grieve and I am supportive and yet this is new to me too.

The rest of my life starts now.

busy with school and thoughts.  I need to fill up time.  I need to continue to take care of me.  we need to go go and go.

today starts the rest of my life.