I used to think of grief as the ocean, storms, surges, waves, calm then raging. Recently, I think of it still in a water sense but I see a river now. Maybe it’s all the rain, but I think about all the things that flood prone places have to protect them. Certain insurances, or not. barriers, then protocol of what to get out when it starts flooding, the sand bags, higher ground and boats and rafts.
In my past I have always suffered from depression and ironically spring helps and it also sometimes spins me around a bit too much. I am so freaking glad to leave winter and I get giddy in March. but…. I seriously am so annoyed with myself right now and my secret gloom.
it’s flooding in my heart and in my head.
I am extremely grateful to have had the dream and follow the dare to quit the job that I hated. I love being at home and I love caring for infants. I do need to work on getting out. I have been trying. Then I got sick and I seem to have stayed exhausted. I have my feelings hurt when I reached out and tried to say help. I feel like I’ve backed myself up in a my lonely corner and I have painted the picture well of surviving but I’m floating.
I do like that I’m 43, and I have some perspective that a lot of people don’t. I’ve had three children, a mis carriage, I have watched my children get really sick and I’ve had to hold them down in the ER’s while they were worked on. I’ve gone without sleep. I’ve held a few friends in bad times and almost gave up my own soul trying to fix theirs. I’ve messed with friendships I should not have.
I am finally in this comfortable sweet spot and instead I feel like crying and dying.
I can’t do the later because I can’t.
I’m wearing my life jacket, I’m enjoying my children. I just wish I could figure out how to bust out of this melancholy state and find something to soothe my soul. Sometimes I think it would be love and not being so alone, but honestly, I don’t want to put up with stupid men.
I needed to let this out.