I am jealous

I am jealous of…

people who are happy

people who get breaks from work/ or life.

I’m jealous of the person who went through heart ache because she is beautiful, she makes great money and as fast as the bad stuff happened to her, good stuff totally comes to her.  I am so jealous.

Friends meet her for drinks and everyone posts the perfect pic about being there for a friend.

they send her texts to say hang in there.

she gets to have a break from being a mom

I think her friends help her have breaks.

I don’t know why my friends have never said, take a break Ashley.  I can give you a break.

none of my friends showed up to help move me.  wait, one did.

I did it all.

I think 12 people at least will probably help her move.

I’m so jealous that everyone’s family likes to be together.

mine drifted away.

I’m jealous of the sweet couple that let’s me keep their child because they are doing a great job at marriage.

I’m jealous of a friend who gets to keep going on the career ladder.

I”m jealous of the friend who got a job because he was a guy in the field.

I”m jealous I’m green and I”m annoyed at myself and where the hell is my happy boat?

The telling of John’s death story

Imagine a rainy spring day….., a calm part of the morning, quiet.  then I get a phone call.

“Mom, can you call me out” Kaegan crying…

“what’s wrong K?”

Mom, I need to come home.  my teacher was teaching us about diabetes in our foods class and she all of a sudden started telling the entire class about dad’s death.  I freaked out and ran out of class.

“come home k, I”ll call right now.”

I called her out and waited.
I fell over on the couch and cried.

what?  what?

why is this teacher saying whatever she was saying?

finally she comes through the door.  I was sitting on the couch and I opened my arms and she just walked over and fell into my arms.

Oh my 16 year old daddy’s girl.

Kaegan’s favorite teacher was teaching the class about diseases that are affected by diet and she was discussing the differences between type 1 and type 2.  Ka was listening, but all of a sudden the teacher started telling the story of our John.  K said, she started saying, there was a young teacher at Koontz with type 1, and he suddenly died….. K stopped hearing anything else.  She raised her hand, and said.  that’s my dad.

the teacher stopped and she said she was stunned and almost vomited on her desk.

She had no idea that Kaegan was John’s daughter.  She knew K had a single mom, she even knew what I did, what I have done but she did not know we were in anyway related to this story in a huge way.

It just hurts.  We were not mad at her but I was annoyed.  I told her.

I don’t know you, I don’t know how you would know how John died.  There is no way you  could know because mostly only our family, close friends know.  literally the people who dared to ask what happened.

She apparently had been subbing for him and I guess she may have been the sub the next day.

She apologized and said she learned a lesson of it’s not her story to tell.

recently I had an emotional reaction to news about a. child that had been mistreated in the schools, I blasted on Facebook the staff.

I was so mad.  then this happened and I thought.

I don’t know this whole story and I don’t have a right to condemn those that cannot share their side due to confidentiality.  I have been through this myself years ago when sued by a former employee.  that changed me.  it made me hate lawyers for twisting words and retelling a story in a different way that was implied.

So we forgave K’s teacher, she learned a lesson dealing with not meaning to hurt anyone.

I cried because it hurts to see your children hurt.  there are no words to describe this to people who do not have children.  Especially when I cannot fix it.  I can help fix broken legs, I can hold a infant body while they put an IV in their neck.  I can inject gluekigon I don’t even know how to spell that into John’s body when he is about bottom out.  I did not save him when it was too high.  I waited too long.

this I will never ever forgive myself for, because it was my stupid ass, let’s wait. I don’t want to deal with bad stuff.  I like to put my head in the hole or hell I like to walk around the hole and pretend it does not exist.

I can’t fix this hole in their hearts.


I used to think of grief as the ocean, storms, surges, waves, calm then raging. Recently, I think of it still in a water sense but I see a river now.  Maybe it’s all the rain, but I think about all the things that flood prone places have to protect them.  Certain insurances, or not.  barriers, then protocol of what to get out when it starts flooding, the sand bags, higher ground and boats and rafts.

In my past I have always suffered from depression and ironically spring helps and it also sometimes spins me around a bit too much.   I am so freaking glad to leave winter and I get giddy in March.  but…. I seriously am so annoyed with myself right now and my secret gloom.

it’s flooding in my heart and in my head.

I am extremely grateful to have had the dream and follow the dare to quit the job that I hated.  I love being at home and I love caring for infants.  I do need to work on getting out.  I have been trying.  Then I got sick and I seem to have stayed exhausted.  I have my feelings hurt when I reached out and tried to say help.  I feel like I’ve backed myself up in a my lonely corner and I have painted the picture well of surviving but I’m floating.

I do like that I’m 43, and I have some perspective that a lot of people don’t.  I’ve had three children, a mis carriage, I have watched my children get really sick and I’ve had to hold them down in the ER’s while they were worked on.  I’ve gone without sleep.  I’ve held a few friends in bad times and almost gave up my own soul trying to fix theirs.  I’ve messed with friendships I should not have.

I am finally in this comfortable sweet spot and instead I feel like crying and dying.

I can’t do the later because I can’t.

I’m wearing my life jacket,  I’m enjoying my children.  I just wish I could figure out how to bust out of this melancholy state and find something to soothe my soul.  Sometimes I think it would be love and not being so alone, but honestly, I don’t want to put up with stupid men.

I needed to let this out.

Unicorn Poop turned into Unicorn puke

If there was ever a creative writing prompt……it should be Unicorn poop…..

If you were alive in the last year then you may have been subjected and then tickled to watch a very long commercial/ comical marketing reach that was for people who suffer with bowel discharge issues.  By that I mean, sometimes they have trouble pooping.  So the squatty potty was invented to move the legs into a more natural for pooping position and loads of people swear by it.  Last Christmas, my parents gifted my family one.  My children swear by it.

fastward to last night.

Need to know first though…

I have a 10 year old daughter who loves Unicorns.

She collects them

I took her to get the Unicorn smoothie thing at Starbucks….

Ok so you are up to date.

So last night at her Chorus concert the Chorus teacher brought in a local ice cream store vendor to set up for after the concert.  (although, my ice cream addicted father was almost late to the concert because he was already buying ice cream).

Anyway the concert was lovely, crowd went outside and my father offered to buy his sweet granddaughter some ice cream.  She loves ice cream.  Did you know that this ice cream place, made a great decision.   They created an ice cream that looks like the poo that the unicorn makes when on the squatty potty.   Well all a 10 year old girl has to hear is unicorn poop and of course they want it.  So here she came with a LARGE size of ice cream.  She giggled, she smiled, she oooeeeddddd and ahhhhhhed.   Everyone tasted it.  It was like fruity pebbles x 75.   It was super sweet.

fast forward to 2 am.

I hear some loud noises in the night.  like someone moving down a ladder.  We have a ladder in Anna’s bedroom on her loft.  I wait.  nothing.  then I see a light come on.  I hear a toilet lid hit.  I jump up and find my two daughters in the bathroom.  Someone felt sick.

We decided to move to my bathroom.  nothing came.  So she got in bed with me and I stroked her hair. She was almost asleep when all of a sudden…. she jumped up and made it 10 feet to the toilet and all Unicorn puke hell broke out.  3 huge vomits later, I got up to flush and check on her.  Then there in the toilet was….. unicorn poop puke.  All bright blue.

Anna calmed down, wiped her face and said.. hey, mom.  I feel better now.