the blue and a puppy

it’s been awhile. I just could not write.  it seemed like i was in a way trying not to go there .  

Will wanted a puppy for his birthday. I tried to talk him out of it.  but he won.  we love her!  Willow is her name and she is a black pug.  she makes us all smile.  I pick her up and you cannot help but not smile.  you talk in a baby voice.  you cheer for poo poo and pee pee.  it’s so much different from a big dog.  I dream of out fits to dress her in.  I created a pug page on pinterest.  so i have company during the day to keep me a bit busy.  I do well caring for others.  because i’m blue.

i started school and that will help.  i’m overwhelmed.  and i’m blue. 

i miss John.  I miss him so much.  I have been dreaming about him.  No one calls to ask how are you.  No one really asks.   I’m not talking to my mom because she wrote me some email and that’s what i’m dealing with in therapy.  John’s mom is psycho and I have to deal with her due to the kids who love her.  

i miss John.

I miss his hugs.  I miss our humor. I miss him killing wasps or whatever.  I miss him taking care of the camper and us getting excited and trying ideas.  I miss him in the bed.  I miss him on the chair.  I miss him.  I miss cooking for him. I miss him so much.  I miss him being a dad.  

i hate not putting his name down.  I don’t want to not feel this but god it’s so damn hard.  just misery.  I don’t want to be around people because then I have to pretend i”m not sad because no one wants to be around  sad person.  I try to pretend.

i tried to eat healthy.  I will try.  

boiling eggs. 

i just want someone to take care of me. I”m so tired.

i would choose suicide but I would not do that to my kids so I have to just stay in misery.  

i miss you John.

when i write it, it feels good to say it.  but when i let it out, it comes out.  and it does not stop for awhile.  so here it is.  I opened up and said the most painful words. i miss you john. 

10 months and a bit more.  oh god.  this is awful.

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