Dating…..

Friends have begged me to write about my dating…. it’s something…

I’m 45….. I started dating since I was 43….. I was 4 years a widow….. I have so far dated… or to make it a bit daring sounding…

a sex aholic/uber driver/cna

a film director./painter… he filmed Ron Jeremy

a magazine owner/writer

an exterminator

a former chef/ and a “stuff hauler”.

an engineer

a machinist /cross dresser

a environmental scientist

a kayack daredevil with brain damage

an advertizer

musician/social worker

hotel manager

orthopedist

So right now, I’m typing this in a Hilton chain hotel paid for by my so called date…. who is late…. he is getting ready to open a new Hilton chain right now the road, … they are not allowed to stay in their own hotels… Jesus… that would make things easier…. but oh well.

anyway… they are opening in 2 days and we … thought we might have a second date 3 days from opening… and I thought it would somehow go well. I arrived at 4:15. I checked in. then I realizEd he is not going to be here soon. So of course I drove to … Target… I got snacks… then I ordered dinner which he can have too. but then 3 hrs pass….. oi vey.

I question my sanity but damn I love a hotel room by my self and with headphones and my laptop and a lavender candle.

I need to write about each of those past loves/ or not loves… slash hilarious interludes… they shall be named…

first let’s start with the sex addict.

he is still in my life.

He is always available if I should so have a need. and damn he is pretty good. Just I dont want to get him talking policially.

but sexually. holy shit.

he knows how to please

he starts off slow and casual. and then he knows how much we like it.

I mean, seriously If you have sexual fantasies then he is the person to try things out with.

but until next time.

Sobriety and Grief

For myself, these two words go hand in hand. Just like two hands that are very much a part of my life….. I think that Grief will always be a part of my make up and who I am and will continue to be…. and now I add sobriety into my body make up.

Grief changed me, it changed my brain, my chemistry, my body organs. Due to grief, I got so sick for a year or so in my lungs that I’m sure that my lungs are damaged or altered from being so sick. My stress changed my chemicals and how my brain feels things. My shock as my grief began, set how I react to things and now…. in sobriety I am changing again.

Sobriety is reframing my life. One- the chemical leaves my body and my body bravely adjusts

my skin changes tones

my blood vessels carry blood better- my blood pressure is better

My sugar cravings have come alive! yikes!

my brain is coming out of a fog that once grief held captive and that wine, tried to soothe. and now,…. the fog moves away and I can see my life ahead of me without me trying so hard.

I’m literally working on changing my brain wiring so that when I see trauma, then I can work through it without a fight or flight response. I can now use my healing love to help me transform how my brain receives messages. The alcohol is not there. Everyday when I don’t have it, my brain has less of a mess to work through. My body functions better.

I’m reexaming everything. but mostly my brain is buzzing. My brain is so hungry to be engaged and to examine things…

I think about politics and people and how they tick together

I think about trauma and race and equity

I think about food and where it comes from and who gets to say how it is labeled.

and also I watched one Star Wars and the new one is coming out and so thank god I started to watch them as they were released as opposed to how they actually were in time? right? ?

today I just said, god, please don’t let me drink today. please let me not drink. I want to get better and find and live my life.