A deep deep hole

Today I’m finally at a place where I can just write.  I seem to have lost all energy or want or desire and writing used to be a release but now there is no reason to write because it’s like I’m just floating….

This week, I took off to my friends lake house and it’s so isolated, calm and just a nice time out.   Part of me thought, this is the last thing I need is more isolation but I needed a free place.  When I thought about the trip, I thought about reading.   Reading used to be my passion, my love, so many books.  I’ve quit reading.  I’ve quit doing basically anything that used to bring me joy.  Most days I vegetate on the couch after work and stare at Facebook or watch netflix.  that is my life.  I mean mine.  I do take my kids places and we grocery shop but I do nothing for me.

So I got to the lake and peered at the books and I could not decide. I felt excited.  I finally picked a book called On Agate Hill by Lee Smith.  This book started slow but it was so freaking deep and wonderful.  It was almost a 4 series.  In the end the vibrant star of the book, ends life being simple, lived through joy and hell and made peace with her life that would have sent me over the edge.  It delt with grief.

Finally I finished the book and I read the author’s note and she told the story of losing her son to schizophrenia and the grief she felt that froze her.  Finally the doctor said… you need to write and she forced herself to write, and slowly this book I just read, came alive.  She found a way to get excited and explore subjects so close to her heart and yet weave this amazing story.  She talked about reading a book, that I have at my house but did not have the heart to read yet and now, I can’t wait to get home and start it.  I’m reading another book as I leave the lake house behind.  but it was floating in the water that I felt what my soul has been doing.

I’ve been floating.  not sinking really, not swimming or diving, or jumping or treading.  I’ve been floating.  and when your ears are underwater, and everything is muffled.  that is what it also feels like.  the world is muffled.  Ive noticed that I have strong strong reactions to stress.  or to discomfort.  I just think my soul is worn out.  I am hurting so much and I have no way to fix it.

This grief of my former life has just swallowed me whole.  Every now and then, I can hear my former life, when I see others that I used to work along side, I see them having great success, I see others keep raising the bar, and insteadI feel like I don’t have anything to make me even feel like rising up.  I want to rise up.  Like Brene Brown’s book.  I thought I had, but I find that I’m just floating.

Oh gosh, I wish that tomorrow will be the day that life get’s better.  I try and realize that it’s not as bad as it was.  Of constantly crying of being in constant shock.

I can’t honestly believe that I am standing and carrying on.  I remember crying every morning and holding on to the side of the wall to stay upright.  Crying so hard, I gag over and over and throw up.  not being able to cry because a new physical reaction caused me to not release.  Then getting so sick and coughing and gagging more.  Not being able to walk or talk well without coughing.

Drinking every night as fast as I could to numb my mind, numb the shock.  The shock of losing John, of losing my former life.

I have had some beautiful things come in though and I have to remind myself that I did find a community of women that have been fun and it has lead to new friendships.   Because when I lost John, I lost my former life.  Friends faded away or moved away.  I lost again and again. I think God is waiting for me or he knows this takes time.  I have to believe in that.

The other night I slept so well, and I had the most wonderful dream.  I met a man, and he fell for me.  He made me amazing jewelry that had cool meaning.  He did not have all of his fingers and I asked him, “how will we hold hands?”  He said we will hold fingers.  I actually would wake up and go back to the dream and I was smiling in my dream.  Like Ashley smiling and laughing and feeling so happy.  I missed being loved and watched over.  There is nothing in this world that feels like love.

Until then Im in this deep hole, looking up and wondering how to get out and to keep living in a way that is not in a hole, not floating.  or numbing.