Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.

My sponsor suggested I should read Chapter 1 of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and begin what I believe is my step work. See I’m still very new to AA and to admitting I am an alcoholic and I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing except … not drink.

So step one. admit I am powerless over alcohol.

I am.

I had been aware of the twelve steps for 20 some years now but applying it to myself and this situation was something that it took a few months for me to absorb and understand. Understanding that I had a problem with alcohol. For myself, it was forced in a way by my 12 year old daughter who had had enough. She herself had been the victim of my behavior I exhibited when I became under the influence and blacked out. She was all done. So done, she had been sharing with her sister, her brother, her therapist, her guidance counselor and finally my best friend, who she told, I’m going to ask for help. My best friend heard her loud and clear and was shocked that it was this bad. She said she was not quite aware of how bad I was until after the recent Fourth of July, she saw me quite drunk and acting rude to my daughter and she saw that I was not even aware of my actions. She saw me in a black out, then passed out then to rise again and to drink and eat.

A month or less passed and while taking my daughter out for a lunch and movie, my daughter surprised her with “sharing”. Then a night later when my daughter was alone with me and saw me drinking she tried to stop me and then said, I told “______”. (So Called best friend, has requested not to use her name and has asked to be refered to with a code name, I am not able to summon up the best substitute name so she shall now be called “______”). (Just to make her laugh).

Anyway, my dearest child, shocked me and this lead to a phone to “________”. Who then proceeded to tell me that yes, my child had told her lots and further more it scared the shit out of her, so she decided to tell the Ministers at my church, and she also shared with a friend of mine who she thought I was close to, but I am but I am not. Then she reached out to another one of my best friends, who ….. declined to react.

By the grace of God, this was enough to embarrass the shit out of me and I went into shock. My brother was called and he decided that he should step in as well.

I stopped for 3 days. then I decided to drink and see if I could be ok. Nope.

I then went to a Buddhist recovery group the next day, ready to begin…..

No AA for me I declared, I did not want that. I did not want to see anyone I knew. So I tried. and then about another week or so went by and then I got weak again. So I went to another Buddhist meeting and meditated.

I unsubscribed to all the alcohol things in Facebook and instagram. I started following everything sober. I told my best friend I was an alcoholic and she and I had a fight of sorts that I really can’t recall the details because I was still in shock of her telling everyone and my humiliation is what consumed me.

I tried to stay sober but I started to sneak in wine in tiny boxes thinking I could just have a bit and then hide it.

Do you know that my youngest child was so in tune with me that she would go and look for evidence and she found it. I was such a dumb ass. then they would confront me and I would apologize.

My oldest begged me to stop, she was leaving for college and she said she could not take it. So I saID I WOULD.

I had a dear friend in recovery and he helped me as much as he could but he himself struggled.

He sent me a book and I started trying to read the Buddhist stuff and it was good. I needed more. So I found a therapist. My parents agreed to pay for her.

After a month I told her about my trip to the beach where I snuck and drank and I had been drinking again but not getting out of hand. She looked at me and said, look- you are not going to recover on your own. You have to seriously do this or you will fail. You need more than therapy once a week.

Somehow, or another I drove a half hour to a beginners women’s group where I felt like I would not know anyone. There my male friend, coached me in my car to get out of the car, and to go in. As I got out of the car, a nice lady said, are you looking for a meeting? I said I was and that was the beginning of my real recovery.

A few weeks in, I struggled with my intense desire and frustration with this whole thing and not being able to be in control. That is when the first step really started making sense.

admitting and really knowing. I have no power over alcohol. When I reach out , actually when I steer my cart into the section of wine. I have already fallen off the wagon. because I have already made that decision to drink.

It is that moment that I talked about with my therapist and later my sponsor that it’s in that moment. I am powerless.

It is unmanageable if I do that and if I keep doing that.

It has been in this meeting that I have begun to dissect my addiction and share with others that I have a problem and I just am figuring it out.

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