In the last 3 months I’ve had more people ask me, have you thought of dating again? See if you have been with me on this grief journey, I saw a really strange reaction from myself since John died.
- He died= me shocked.
- Me shocked and realizing I’m a widow.
- Me realizing raising 3 kids is going to be hard.
- Me being in such mourning that I think my thinking was off and I thought about who will I date. Odd to think about this now.
- just a few months later, I was chatting with a couple of males and I myself thought romantically about them.
- Sudden realization they are assholes.
- a quick 3 month Match membership.
- booty call
- busy life, busy life….. great friendships…
- Realization that I’m ok.
- All of a sudden more people ask if I want to date.
- Me weighing more than any time of my life but not really feeling like changing that.
- Watching Whoopie Goldberg say, she does not want to get married, she wants to just be with herself.
- Me grinning. Then someone asks me again, have I dated ?
So yesterday I was fine being by myself. Then I have a dream of someone just hugging me and I could feel their sweat shirt in my hug. I burrowed my nose into their neck corner and breathed in their scent. For a dream, this was especially vivid. I woke up and relished that feeling. I do missing hugging.
I have a few people who hug me. I mean I don’t really want to cuddle with a girl. I have a guy friend who seriously hugs me and has held me. but he is married and well, it’s just not ok for me to ask for that.
So today, I wish I could snuggle and hug like crazy. So I thought of all the other things that you forget.
like fartting. I don’t want anyone to fart on me. well, I guess it’s ok if I really know them.
ok but I don’t want to be fussed at. I just want someone to really like me and I not ever be wrong and that I”m a dream to be around even if I”m not.
I don’t want someone to get on my nerves. I don’t want to be mad about their mouth noises. or smell or if they don’t do something I wanted them to do.
I don’t know what it’s like to date anymore. I don’t know the rules of dating and I don’t really want to.
When I tried the Match.com thing, a man that I talked to, seemed so nice, and we had several common things then…. he did not like my dry responses of humor and said that I was mean. I’m not mean? what dude?
then one day he just did not reply and I was ok with this and so I did not pay 50 bucks to look at other single men and not really like anyone based on pics and strange bio’s. I mean, how weird is that.
So if I do it again which I think might be the only way to date again, what would I say about myself.
Hi, I’m a mom of 3.
I like to watch TV shows and read. I love music and occasionally like to go hear music but I also don’t like to be hot or too cold or too wet. I”m 43, I’m done with that.
I love to camp, and have campfires.
I like to cook. I love to travel. I really like being with my girlfriends and laughing. that is my most favorite thing to do.
Dear men, I’d like to do something with someone nice. I would like to go see waterfalls and views. I would like to travel to places I’ve never been to and see stuff.
I would like to watch tv shows. I will also sometimes go to the movies.
I would like to try new foods. I would like to be treated like really well. I would like you to adore me a lot at first and then it can calm down. I would like to have surprises a lot. I would like to laugh loudly. I would love to have someone make me laugh. I would like your ideas to sometimes be better than mine but I want to come to that conclusion.
I’d love for someone to do something for me that I hate to do. like get my oil changed. go get groceries.
I would like to nurture someone that is male and hug them. I’d love to make them laugh and also make them yummy stuff and watch them enjoy it.
but I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to hurt your feelings or hurt mine.
crap, someone sent me a pic of a winter walk and frozen water and that’s what I wanted to see today. but with someone to admire it with me. then they send the pic and it’s what I literally just wrote about. yeah, I like that.
so now because I wrote all that I feel sad. it’s winter and cold and I think I like winter. and I wish I had someone to bring me a beer or glass of wine and make me dinner. then watch a movie. or meet some other couple to have dinner and we all laugh. that would be nice.
fuck now I’m sad.