The telling of John’s death story

Imagine a rainy spring day….., a calm part of the morning, quiet.  then I get a phone call.

“Mom, can you call me out” Kaegan crying…

“what’s wrong K?”

Mom, I need to come home.  my teacher was teaching us about diabetes in our foods class and she all of a sudden started telling the entire class about dad’s death.  I freaked out and ran out of class.

“come home k, I”ll call right now.”

I called her out and waited.
I fell over on the couch and cried.

what?  what?

why is this teacher saying whatever she was saying?

finally she comes through the door.  I was sitting on the couch and I opened my arms and she just walked over and fell into my arms.

Oh my 16 year old daddy’s girl.

Kaegan’s favorite teacher was teaching the class about diseases that are affected by diet and she was discussing the differences between type 1 and type 2.  Ka was listening, but all of a sudden the teacher started telling the story of our John.  K said, she started saying, there was a young teacher at Koontz with type 1, and he suddenly died….. K stopped hearing anything else.  She raised her hand, and said.  that’s my dad.

the teacher stopped and she said she was stunned and almost vomited on her desk.

She had no idea that Kaegan was John’s daughter.  She knew K had a single mom, she even knew what I did, what I have done but she did not know we were in anyway related to this story in a huge way.

It just hurts.  We were not mad at her but I was annoyed.  I told her.

I don’t know you, I don’t know how you would know how John died.  There is no way you  could know because mostly only our family, close friends know.  literally the people who dared to ask what happened.

She apparently had been subbing for him and I guess she may have been the sub the next day.

She apologized and said she learned a lesson of it’s not her story to tell.

recently I had an emotional reaction to news about a. child that had been mistreated in the schools, I blasted on Facebook the staff.

I was so mad.  then this happened and I thought.

I don’t know this whole story and I don’t have a right to condemn those that cannot share their side due to confidentiality.  I have been through this myself years ago when sued by a former employee.  that changed me.  it made me hate lawyers for twisting words and retelling a story in a different way that was implied.

So we forgave K’s teacher, she learned a lesson dealing with not meaning to hurt anyone.

I cried because it hurts to see your children hurt.  there are no words to describe this to people who do not have children.  Especially when I cannot fix it.  I can help fix broken legs, I can hold a infant body while they put an IV in their neck.  I can inject gluekigon I don’t even know how to spell that into John’s body when he is about bottom out.  I did not save him when it was too high.  I waited too long.

this I will never ever forgive myself for, because it was my stupid ass, let’s wait. I don’t want to deal with bad stuff.  I like to put my head in the hole or hell I like to walk around the hole and pretend it does not exist.

I can’t fix this hole in their hearts.

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