Prissy and the Chickens- Take 2!

Well one of my first posts right after John died was about a conversation I had with my former mother in law.  I say former because since I’m not married technically to John anymore, I can call her that.  Go ahead and read into that sarcastic writing.

so anyway after 2.5 years of basically not talking.  She decided she really wanted to spend time with the children and I was in a better place so I gave the week available.  They all planned and got excited.  She even drove to Asheville to get them.  6 days.  Wow.

Prissy is still around but not the chickens.  Since John passed away, his mother sold her little house in the middle of nowhere and bought a house bigger than mine in a nice neighborhood right off the BRP.  She has a new car, a golf cart, even though she does not play but the kids love it. She leads a simple life of herself, a few friends and her new church to her.

As a progressive and left leaning Christian, I struggle with forgiving my right wing conservative former mother in law.  but I do feel the anger leaving my soul for her.  I listened to my children talk about their week.  They saw some relatives that are mine, they loved her house and golf cart.  Prissy even lets them pet her.  They had big favorite meals, they went shopping, and on summer adventures.  They had a great vacation and they spent quality time with her.  The oldest shared how they drove past our old house and Grammy broke down.  Later at the dinner table, she broke down again and so did the girls. What my children have not had, is John’s mom to grieve with.  This woman who carried him, birthed him and raised him, longer than I got to be married to him.  She drove him crazy but he loved her, she was his momma.

So this week when I got super freaky because she was reading aloud the bible to my almost agnostic child, but they (the children) calmed me down and said it’s ok, mom.  We are ok.  My Christian self, questioned what I love about God, and begged actually for grace and for help letting go and letting him/or her be with my children as they heard a different interpretation.  See I should so trust it’s going to be ok, because She and her husband/John’s dad raised John in a very conservative home but I did find John.  Who was quite moderate in most ways but loved my liberal left leaning ways.  He turned out ok.  I myself was raised by conservative moderates and look at me.  I’ve embraced having a week of not feeling guilty when I’ve been at work.  That was a big nice break.  I noticed that difference.  This working mom thing is hard.  I want to be with them to make the world the best that I can since we lost part of our family.  I feel guilty a lot for being late to work or because I’m not at home with them when they are barely sick.  If I stay late at work or spend longer days at work.  I feel guilty for asking my mom to help because then she feels guilty for leaving my dad.  My dad feels guilty for feeling guilty and hurting and missing everyone.  I hate guilt.

So Prissy  and Mary had the children and it’s come full circle for me in this grief loophole.  Peace be to thee.


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