facing the demon

the only way I know to really get this out is this way.


Dear John,

Today I went to where I lost you.  or I lost your spirit or soul.  I never wanted to go back there again.  When I drove by it was hard.  so after a night of hell of pain and being so depleted, I just wanted to stop all the pain.  so I went to the ER at 9 am to figure out why I puke and shit and have pains in my belly.

my blood pressure was high. duh.

but honestly John, we know why.  I’ve let myself go and go and go.  I stopped caring because no one else did.  but last night, I realized my kids need me.  When trying to figure out how to get there, and what to do,  the pain so bad, I just pushed on.  I knew somehow it would work out.  I just was hurting so bad I could not even think straight.  I took myself.  no one was around.  it’s a holiday.  I don’t call anyone because I don’t want anyone to have to do this.  It sucks.

So many things came back to me.  Taking you to the ER or the Dr.  all the time, suddenly.  How I brush things off and deny it could be something.  Trying not to get upset because if I lived in how our life was, I might actually be worse off.

I realized or remembered denying how bad things were that day.  trying to push on and not think it’s bad.  because most of the time, it worked out.  but I was mad that day.  I was mad because you had been in the er just 2 weeks before.  It was our year from hell.  2013.  I realized that just this week.  2013.  13.  I never believed in bad luck or bad 13.  whatever .

but this week.  I thought, fuck,  I was just denying that. again.  it was bad luck.

John, I missed Tubing with the kids today because my belly hurt.  I kinda zoned out in the ER trying to steady myself and not go into the hole in front of me.  I looked at the ER and saw all the rooms and I honestly could not remember which one it was.  I thought I knew but I did not.  there are so many.  Then I thought about how many people have died here and how many souls have left in this area.  I wondered if it was happening right then or what.  I saw a woman crying in a room and I wanted to reach out to her.  but I was in this damn hospital bed and that did not bring me many anwers.

It did make me wake up and say, Ashley.  If you don’t take care of yourself like you preach, no one will.

I have to give up some bad stuff.  I have to back off of wine.

So night I was bland and backed off.  I hope I sleep.

I’m going to embrace health tomorrow John.  I hope you have angel wings and spirit that you can funnel to me somehow to keep going.

i miss you John. I miss you so much.



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