So another door is closing. The saving door. Plan B door. This door came open when plan A life blew up.
Plan B was to be a GA and finish Master’s. Then apply for fellowship and get Ph.D.
Plan B, winter semester 2015 kicked my ass. Her name was Trivette and she gave us a lot of work. I had two classes with her and thankfully had an independent study in research that I trudged slowly along with and took an incomplete to get my head around literature reviews.
Now PlanC……. I can’t see the door????? Hello….. Plan C door where are you???
IN the meantime, plan B.5. is to finish incomplete, take one last glorious class in environments, take children on beach vacation and then take myself to Italy and dream about Reggio practices.
Perhaps a millionaire will meet me on the gulf shore and give me millions to write grief stuff.
Perhaps I will make a new best friend who says, come live with me and let’s watch Netflix all day and everyday.
Perhaps my dream man will come from out of no where and say, marry me and I’ll take you to Montreat?
Perhaps in Italy, I’ll get lost on a train and sit next to a hot stinky italian man and he will whoo me with his pasta?
in the mean time, I’ve got to write a lit review, take pics of my girl’s first formal, attend a few more events for children and pack for vacations.
i say a prayer now, daily. almost.
God, work through me. God, thank you. God, help me. God, keep leading me and I’ll be ok.
I thank him for my beautiful kind kaegan, for my brilliant shy Will and for my joyful exherberant Anna.
Thank for my plan B time. Thank you God. When I choose that path, I knew you were there. I knew it was where I was supposed to be and right now, I’m looking for the path to C… maybe even C then D.
i hear a thought in my mind. wait.
i hear wait. be patient. it will come. believe. make the most of this time. savor this.
I have new meds that have steadied me out. I’m back on stable ground. not sure if it’s the semester over, or really chemicals my body desperately needed. Thank you Lexapro. Wellbutrin, thank you. 2 drugs to help me.
grief is there but I can be with it. Today, I was asked if I will have more children… no. i said, my husband died.
It was easier to say that instead of no. the reason I said this is because she looked at my hand and saw all my children. so i gave her what she wondered.
in a way it was gratifying because she said, oh you have 3 children you are raising on your own?
I mean, thank God, I have like 2 degree’s in children but this teen thing is mind boggling.
anyway I felt like someone validated my exhaustion. not just physical but my daily psychological challenge and yet they are what keeps me up and going. I don’t know how I wold have kept going.
Plan C…… hmmmmmm