You are better than that.

well I just got through another holiday.  Mother’s day. Most would say huh?  but you are here.  but honestly, it just reminds you of everything.

I want to say though that it did go better.

I woke up at the LEAF festival where I had won weekend passes.  I managed to only go for a little less than 24 hrs.  IT was on my bucket list and now it’s off,  we camped in a tent.  I slept on an mattress beside one of my good friends and her husband.  So I felt safe.  I slept in my tent beside her boys so she and her hubby could go party.  I thought originally I would go but I was exhausted with the walking and the heat.  the heat. .  …. whew.

So in the morning, My friend Anna make me coffee and that was just bliss.  Then she made me a sausage, warmed up pancakes and a potato thing with a piece of cheese.  I was in awe.   I was just going to eat a pop tart.  this was gormet.

soon after, I started to pack the tent an bags and rolled up a few things and I headed to get the car.  It ended up being a good mile walk with just Will and I.  but you know what it was good.  I need to walk and it was nice to walk with just Will.  It was under the tree’s and we could stare at the people and tents.  then I drove back and the kids and Anna had broken down the tent for me.  So all we did was load and drive home by 10am.  whew…. i was so happy.

Then I got teary.

The kids brought me the handmade cards.  Will gave me his “used” old headlamp I gave him but he got another nice new one and so i got this one.  The girls made cards.  Anna’s card said she loved me and gulp… it also said.

I”m sorry Dad is not here.

so I burst into tears.

Later I called my mom and while listening to all the nice things the men did for other mothers and ladies I got jealous and said it.  So my mom got mad and then I got mad and then i yelled and hung up on her.

nice. ashley.  nice.

grief is a bitch.  It’s so selfish.  It hurts so much and you are bleeding out and watching emotions pour out.  I also think grief is now even more of a bitch when it’s a year and a half older.  Also not only is my grief a bitch but it gets even meaner when it gets compared to grief.  My mom decided to compare my grief that she has known.  I did not want that.  I know she misses her dad and her mom.  Gosh I do know that.  I know she misses her friend Anne.  but it made me mad that she decided she could tell me she understood my grief when it’s not the same thing.  It’s not the same thing being a momma of 3 and grieving yourself but also holding up your children when they grieve.

I got mad because my mom said my dad called his sister to wish her a happy mothers day.  he did not call me.

I got mad because my uncle planted bushes in a yard for a woman who is going to be a widow.

I got mad because no one helped my kids remember me.

yep, I”m going to admit it.

when you lose a spouse.  and it’s later.  people don’t think about raising children to think about others.  so it’s up to me and i have to admit, sometimes I”m good but sometimes I suck.

I read about other people getting help and I don’t.

Now to be fair, my parents are like giving up their retirement and moving here part time.  whew and it’s gonna be a ride but hopefully things will get better.

I called my mom and apologized.

I had cried and through my tears, I heard my conscience push through, let’s call that God.  God knows me, and loves me and well I choose to think that he knows me .  i heard.  Ashley that was not ok and that is not who you are.  I know you are hurting, but it’s not ok to say those things.  You are better than that.

that’s what I heard and it’s what I cling to.

I am better than feeling sorry for myself.  I make things happen.

I make happy.

I do this.

I”m am better than stuff.

I am better than people not thinking of me.

I will make a difference in this world and when I have my pity party, soon after even before I can finsih the cry, God who was there, kinda helps me get perspective and regroup.

crap- i acted stupid. what do I do?  you apologize and you mean it.  then you pick up your pity party self and keep moving forward.

writing helps. but not yesterday.  too tough.

Father’s day, will be tough again but we will be in Florida.  I plan the tough days.  maybe I should go ahead and plan for my next mother’s day.  Maybe my mom will be here and I can pay attention to her.  yeah.  maybe that will be.

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