Well- it’s been a while.
Some yuck days and some awesome days and it’s not often now that I get to say awesome days but I did have some awesome days. and still I want to write about grief.
I have forgotten to be be still or say month whatever…. on the 24th. I still hold the 24th tight to my heart as a significant number but slowly it does not kill me anymore.
So 16 months since I last saw him. I think that is how long it was we dated and were in the middle of planning our wedding by the time we had been together that long. 16 years ago I was on spring break but I was engaged. I was so happy.
Now, I drive the three children we created to school and we work through life issues. This morning Will was woken by his sister to wake up and he still fell back asleep. I told them that their daddy had to have 2 alarm clocks in his college apartment so that he would wake up. One close to his bed and one further away so he had to walk to turn it off. He still told me of a few times, he slept through the second alarm which was really loud and annoying. I know, because it was our clock for forever.
So I drop my kids off and come home to a quite house. I look around and I see fabric samples and rug samples for a new living room/family room i’m planning. It’s going to have color and joy. New pictures and paintings. It will be our new family. We will have John there but we need to not hurt in this room. It was kinda his room. Fish stuff up. His chair. We need it to became ours.
I ache so much still. I just ache for him. I ache to annoy him, I ache to hear him back me up. I ache for him to hold our Son when he has a nightmare experience. I just ache. Tears come easy and I let them flow. It does seem like the whole world moved on but me. Everyone knows death eventually, sorrow, and love ending but only momma’s or daddy’s that lose the spouse and have young children will know my ache. I’ve met some friends that have moved on…. and are dating and I have some friends that are appalled at dating. I have read the words of others that seem really bad and others that have found joy in life again. I think some days now, I know a bit of both and maybe that is just part of my journey?
I’m building a new community of friends and I can be supportive to them. I love meeting new friends that reach out and touch my arm. They look in my eyes and say hello. They smile at my children, they text me. My new church has really brought happy back into my life. I watched the girls participate yesterday in the church service. Anna sang in the children’s choir. I love her in that choir robe. Then she offered the invitation to peace. Kaegan poured the baptismal water and later she prayed together with one of her new friends in confirmation class. We all went to youth group and choir practice. Then we went to the grocery store. We had a full day.
Anna asked if Daddy ever went to our church and I say, yes he did and he liked it. I was the one that did not. but I had no idea. I am so happy John had been there. He would love it.
I miss you John. I’m working on somethings that only you knew about and also that you did not know about. I”m tackling some big issues for me and I can feel myself adjust. I’m stronger, I”m gentler, I’m so relaxed now. You/his dying changed me and maybe it was for the better. You have to find the gifts in the loss.
I have a new picture on my desk of him. He is barefooted which was rare, we were at the beach and he was with my then best friends husband, they were going fishing. I must have waved and he looked back at me and waved. He had a fishing pole in his hand. His ball cap and I know he was happy. That’s how I think of him now. I know he is happy and he fishes or watches over us. I honestly feel like he is reaching me through goodness.
this grief stuff is so lonely and I’ve really sequestered myself away in febuary and hurt but by doing that, it made it worse. I have to pull myself out to continue to move forward. I though saying no to things would save me but instead it sunk me. saying yes is lovely and it takes me one step closer to stringing more happy days together.