it’s getting closer


I’ve been thinking about the coming time a bunch.  I have thrown plans around like I was throwing a frisbee.  i’m going to go to the beach, alone no .  with friends.  no.  camp- yes. wait no.  rent a place.  yes then wait no.  ok stay home.  NO!  people come here?  no.

I go there?  no

light candles and sing songs… no.

go to gatlinburg?  yes, wait no.. wait … I don’t know.

Go on a cruise?  ???? yes.- wait no.

how much to fly to florida?  oh.

go the nation’s capital?  no

I just don’t know what to do.  What would John say we should do?   Fish?

Yeah he would say fish probably.  Maybe we will.  I don’t know.  Yeah, he would like camping and fishing.  that’s what he would do.

well, he did like all the things I thought of.  not lighting candles and singing songs.

All the kids know is that they don’t have to go to school.  I already told the teachers.

I”m so lucky.  I have like three invites for me to be with others.  2 friends separately and my brother.

my mom and dad have not mentioned it.  nor family.

not john’s mom.

I think sometimes, like, does my family know?  I asked the kids if they knew.  All but Anna did, and when she figured the date out she then kinda got obsessed with it.  I don’t know who she is like?  🙂

well a year ago we just got back from our last family outing.  splurge to Atlanta and aquarium.  I said yes to the CNN tour and I”m so glad I did.  I said yes to american girl doll getting her hair did.  I said yes to a super lego structure.  I said yes to shopping.  John got me a double bourbon and coke. oh he knew what would calm me down and the way to my bourbon heart. Now I can’t buy bourbon that much because it’s dangerous for me.  yummy.

I have a year of photo’s on my unbelievable camera that I have not developed.  I’m getting ready to.  I year of hell.  a year of making memories to help us heal our hearts.  I’m trying to be more positive.

I’m healing.  I can tell.  but it’s gonna hurt like hell.

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