have I forgotten yet?

tonight it’s quiet.

crickets are chirping.  I imagined me yelling out to John to say, come to bed.  and I paused.  it’s starting to fade .  it’s not so VIVIID  it’s more faint.  it’s hard to describe but I realized it. his voice in my mind seems fainter.  what he would do seems fainter.  slowly, bed linens have changed.  rugs, arrangements.  i’m changing things.  his things are now in smaller boxes.  still in the room but here.   one day they will leave but not yet.  it’s slowly changing into my room. i’m looking at furniture.  i’m thinking go feminine.  

i’m losing him.  it’s no so vivid.  and yet it does not cut me to the core everyday anymore.  I’m not a mess and my memory is getting better.  

I’m drinking less, I”m eating better.  I go out more.  i’m busy with our kids.  and he is fading.  I sat with his friends tonight and we laughed and laughed.  oh I missed him.  He would have loved this.  

I miss love and having a person.  but I’m getting used to my bed.  my stuff on my bed.  I’m slowly finding my way into me as momma of our family.  it’s so weird.  the jeep is good.  it fits us well.  i don’t forget like I am leaving someone behind.  

here is july and 9 months is rolling up.  wow.  just surreal.  

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