15 more work days

15 more work days till I’m done.  wow.  I’ve been working since…. well college.  I’ve had summers off before but this will be different.  Except I’ll be taking 2 classes and still a single momma.  one thing that will be different is that I will be more alone.  I”m alone a lot already but this will be more alone.  I’m sure I”ll talk and see people but it’s the day to day and getting into that is the hour by hour.  Recently I reached out to a blogger/author and fellow widower.  I asked this Dad of 3 girls about how to get through the holidays especially for me Father’s day coming up.  I don’t want to deal with it but I’m going to have to.  He traveled a lot and stayed/stays busy.  He said he does not like to be alone and so he stays really busy.  I know I need to go more.  

I need to bike more with kids

fish

walk

hike

ask people if they want to do these things with me.  also.  I don’t have to do it alone.

I just need to get out of my bed.  

It’s like I get going and do some things like flowers and yard stuff and then I fall back down.  Today though I’m going to therapy and meeting a lady from the church to just have coffee.  I need to do stuff when I get home like bills and homework and laundry.  I need to keep moving.  I look at my new friends blog and book and pics and he is making memories with his girls.  They act silly and they are making the best of it.  I think I do this to an extent and everyone would say, give yourself a break ash, I know.  I just need to not act like a turtle as much as I do.  I guess though eventually I’ll break out of this whatever.  

I”m staring out of my window at my desk right now and I see my hammock right beside the rodedendren bush that has been in full bloom for almost 2 weeks.  It is so gorgeous.  I see my front yard living room I created.  My yard looks great.  I need to work on the carport and my roses are blooming.  I need some trellis or something.  I see a million projects for me to do but that’s when I get all sad because I don’t have help.  

15 more days of handling work stuff.  It will be so strange to walk away from what was my dream job.  It is.  I just can’t do it and kids and roller coaster that work is.  I have to let go of the roller coaster that it is, so that I can stabilize and be healthy.  I can’t handle teachers and drama.  I can’t handle people freaking out about change.  because then I do and I love change.  My plan B is continually getting better.  I got the Graduate assistant position and I got a $1000 scholarship too!  Yeah!  Now to finsih the incompletes so I can just do 2 classes this summer. I think I said that already.   

Ok so I”m off to process more with the world greatest therapist.

 

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